Mood: 
Listening to: Bhad Bhabie’s Gucci Flip Flops
Ugh, my attempts to blog lately have been absolutely pathetic. An incoherent paragraph here, small sentence note there… I just delete them and wonder if the information I chose was truly worth updating the world about. In my previous entry, I mentioned that Mark wanted to merge houses and move into my tiny two-bedroom flat, which I was totally on-board with, but he has changed his mind. In a good way though. His sister and her beau will take over the mortgage and he’ll contribute as a rent payer. In the meantime, he’s going to find a job, gain some traction and save some money because in (idk) 6-8 months, he wants to look for a four bedroom house for himself, me, Vivian, my Mum, and eventually Jackie when she moves back to go to community college. I’m excited for this plan, but let’s be honest, I’m almost 40. I’ve seen so many plans fall through. We’ve only been serious for about a month and a half, so only time will tell. He also mentioned that he didn’t want to rush things like we’ve done in the past, which is absolutely true. Moving myself into his tiny room in his parent’s house, thinking everything would be fine was slightly a mistake. It was cramped. I needed my space. Over the course of our on-again-off-again relationship, I’ve learned that I’ve developed a mask when I’m around him. Mum said she could tell that I’m slightly different when he visits, like not my true self. Apart from the breaking my heart every once in a while, I don’t know why this has happened, but it has, and I honestly wasn’t prepared to be in even smaller quarters with him, our daughter, Mum, three cats, two hamsters, and a bunny. That’s just like, too much to handle in my opinion. So I’m glad. I’m glad that the pressures off. I mentioned it to Mum after he told me and she was disappointed. She wanted him to move in for help with rent. I don’t blame her but at the same time, like I said, I need my space. My alone time. My quiet time. It’s hard to have that, even now.
Mum’s milestone birthday is on the horizon (three weeks from now) and I’m so frustrated that she hasn’t chosen what she wants to do or where she wants to go. I’ve given her package prices for going to our favorite resort in the Desert (from Expedia as well as buying from the website), I’ve set a $500 budget and found places in the area to drive to. She hasn’t told me what she wants to do yet. I’ve even asked, “what do you picture yourself doing on your birthday?” Nothing! I know she wants to go away, but it’s like six hundred dollars a person just to get there and have a place to float. Personally, I’d love to go to the Desert. I love the weather this time of year and the mineral waters in the pool are so relaxing. We joked at first but are now serious about bringing an electric skillet to cook meals in the room and save on money. We should just go. I actually have a deposit saved up (started in the summer) so I’ll be able to help with my portion right away and then the rest of it for sure by February. But anyway, she hasn’t made a choice! And now she’s changing the dates on me so I can work but my boss is in the middle of making the schedule with my time-off request. Ugh! So frustrating! I just want her to have a good time. This is the time to go all out. It’s a friggin’ Birthday!
This tax season, instead of spending my refund on frivolous shit (I always gather a stupid Amazon Wishlist together to sort through when I’ve got the money), I’m going to try to negotiate and pay off my debt. Actually get an emergency fund set up. I feel like I’m not budgeting right. I’ll gather all of my bills for the month and then that’s it, and that’s where I fail. I know what’s expected of me but the rest of the money gets spent on bullshit like $3 Cokes and Taco Bell. I want to pay off the two cards in collections, get Mum and Mark paid off, and then stash the rest in a place that’s not often thought of as an emergency fund. I’ve noticed over the last few years that I frequently have at least $500-$800 in car repairs and I feel like a chicken shit having to ask for help with it. So anyway, I need an emergency fund, for legit emergencies like car repairs or when Vivian needs something for school.
By the way, it’s been five weeks since my last sip of whiskey. As a tasting room associate, I do swallow samples from time to time, but it’s usually with someone else, like we’re tasting it together. I don’t have a glass after work, I certainly don’t go to the liquor store. I don’t even dabble in the non-alcoholic beverages anymore. To be honest, the last sip of wine that I used to really enjoy, made my body physically sick. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom and didn’t feel right for a hot minute. I’m glad. It reminded me of the first sip of alcohol: how it made my face hot and my belly tingle. And then drink after drink, that feeling would go away, but I’m keeping it at the forefront of my mind. I don’t want to be an alcoholic anymore. I like my mind clear and not embarrassing myself, in-person or online. I have however picked up smoking cigarettes. I know, it’s filthy and disgusting but instead of scheming on how I’ll get to liquor store when it opens at 8am, I just head downstairs and have a quick smoke and I’m ready to face the day. It’s a bad habit but drinking was worse. So I’ve traded one for the other. But yay, five weeks! Drinking everyday, all day wasn’t sustainable, for my daughter, my Mum, my boyfriend, or my job. My life, basically. I hope it lasts.
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