Pull the Trigger

A whole new month. It’s nuts how time is flying by. I can’t believe I’m thirty eight years old now. I can remember back in 1998, wishing it was 2005 already, and here we are, twenty years later after that. Ugh. Anyway, Amber sent a text a few days later, saying what I so desperately craved, along with a gift card. Apparently she was waiting for payday to send a birthday gift/message. It’s still no excuse though, she could have said something on the actual day. You want people to feel special on their birthday, that’s the point, isn’t it? Anyway, I sound like an ungrateful bitch, but I’m not. I thanked her, however I’m not setting up our monthly Bestie meeting. I’m sick of her bringing her boyfriend to our girl’s night. He’s not a girl nor does he treat Ruby with respect, constantly poking fun at her. I’ll reach out to Ruby individually instead of using our group text and see when she’s free. Currently she’s in Spain, heading for Italy. Lucky duck, but according to Mark, I’m not allowed to be jealous since I can’t save up money to take such a trip… Prickface.

I went on a five mile walk with him the other day and I don’t know what I was thinking. I keep finding myself doing things that I don’t like just to spend time with him. He wouldn’t be caught dead doing that for me. He could tell that I had been drinking so that made our journey awful. Lots of tears on my behalf. I told him how I felt like he and I were like his brother and that situation with his ex going on: she had no where else to go so he let her move in. Did Mark do the same thing because my Mum forcing me by drunkenly barging in my room? He said no. Once I got a steady job, he would have told me to “git”. This happened last week so my mind is fuzzy about everything that was said. I asked him if he would like to come to California with me in October and he said he’d be working by then… I highly, HIGHLY doubt that he’ll have a job by then and even told myself that if he didn’t I would ask him again, buuuut fuck that. He won’t be coming with me, even if he wants to. I came home last night and he didn’t speak a word to me. Boyfriends and girlfriends are a little more friendlier than that. They acknowledge each other and ask how their day was… just because Mark had nothing going on doing his day doesn’t mean that mine went the same way, I went to work for cryin’ out loud. All I know is that I don’t like being in a relationship with him because he doesn’t treat me like we’re in one. I’m not talking about gifts and signs of affection, it’s the not talking to me, making me feel invisible. He had nothing to say when I told him that we don’t kiss each other goodnight, we don’t text, we don’t even talk. Once I’m able to maintain savings and sobriety, I’m moving out. Plain and simple. I hope that Lucy will be able to handle it as well as myself. But that walk, that night, was the last time I will cry over him and how he treats me. “I am who I am”. He won’t change. I don’t need a relationship anyway. It’s always been pure drama because guys can’t keep to themselves. I’ve got my daughter, I’ve got my vibrator, I just need to maintain independence and stop spending rent money on tattoos.

It’s been two days without a drop of alcohol. I have fought it so much today, it’s pathetic. It feels good though. My mind is clearer. I can remember things, make plans and execute them. It’s only been two frickin days, imagine months or years of sobriety. I’ve decided to journal again and have planned for three questions in the morning and three questions in the evening, not too overwhelming. I did some journaling today although it’s tough to pull off with a child asking me questions that she already knows the answer to. That’s the autism. I could kill myself for smoking during my pregnancy. I love her so much and had no idea of the damage I was causing. These next two weeks are going to be really tough. No alcohol, no cigarettes, no money. I’ve decided not to give my money to Mark. Not because I’m mad at him but because I need to show myself that I can do it without a crippling addiction to alcohol and tattoos.

I need to start pulling the trigger on fun stuff that I like to do, like actually do it rather than find comfort in thinking about it. I bought a Lord of the Rings the day it came out and have yet to play it. Maybe I could play it with Vivian tonight. It’s my sleepover night with her, I love those nights. When I get my own place she’ll have her own room and will still get to sleep in my bed. Anyway, I’m trying to remain sober from alcohol. It’s rough, sitting with these feelings, having to process them, and just move on.