Work was brutal today. It was the annual Family Fair day that’s free to the public so we got all walks of life at the community center. Lots of rude, overweight people. I mean, if you’re going to be rude, the least you could do is be in shape. Anyway! I really had to fight the urge to make up some excuse to leave. I was stuck in the cafe pretty much all day; I didn’t get to see any of the fun stuff: the ponies, the bouncy houses, face painting! I love getting my face painted. I asked Mark to bring Viv but he didn’t. He insisted that Vivian wanted to go to the Falls today, however I was told that she needed cough medicine so he kept her home… which is pure bullshit. He just wanted to play video games all day. I hate how lazy he is but I’m sure he hates how unreliable I can be. My Mum would have been more than happy to bring Vivian for an afternoon of fun, but whatever. I had a feeling he wasn’t going to take her, anything to avoid an idea of mine that wasn’t his or large crowds.
I’ve finally decided that when I receive this large inheritance, I’ll be buying a house that’s completely mine. I get to be the antagonist that can say “Get out of MY house!” It’s sad how many times that’s been said to me by a drunken idiot who’s home I was in, for example ex-boyfriends, my own mother. Anyway! I’d like a standard home with two bathrooms and three bedrooms, a fourth would be even better, but I don’t want to spend too much. I’m going to spend about half of my inheritance on a house and then perhaps have my Mum move in to help with the mortgage. The mortgage will still be a couple thousand, but I don’t know. It all depends on prices, interest rates, and the type of loan that we decide to pursue.
I think I have ADHD. I’ve been getting extremely overstimulated, counting the sounds that are penetrating my ear drums. I also haven’t taken a shower this month. That’s right: the entire month of September, I have not taken a shower. It’s been over three weeks. I don’t understand why I’m like this. I’m disgusting and I’m sure that people can smell me. I apply deodorant but there’s still other areas of odor that need to be tended to. I’m hooking up with a new doctor so I’ll be sure to tell her about all of my mental health issues. I asked ChatGPT to compare living in SoCal versus where I am now and unfortunately, where I am now is more affordable and less stressful. There’s a house in SoCal that’s part of my family’s inheritance and my stance would be: don’t sell it. God isn’t making any more land and it’s so hard to acquire some. I don’t want to live in it, but I don’t want to sell it and split the profits. However… if there’s no connection to SoCal anymore, such as Leo decides to move to Thailand, it might be viable to sell it, but I need to establish a homestead here. I’m sick of living in Mark’s Family’s house. I’m sick of living with my Mum. I’m sick of hoping that my besties will open their home to me even though they don’t have the space. I need my legit sanctuary. A room to myself, my own bathroom, a kitchen that I’m responsible for stocking and cleaning. I love living at Mark’s but I really hate it at the same time. Especially the weird energy between Mark and I. He’s only touchy-feely when he wants sex, meanwhile, he pokes fun at absolutely any opportunity and that’s not a relationship. I don’t care if that’s how he shows his affection, it’s rude and it causes me to be defensive and explain myself, to which he gets defensive and tells me that I don’t have to defend me… it’s bullshit. It’s confusing and I’d rather not have it in my life. He’s a great co-parent, but we can’t be together and I’m slowly starting to realize this. He’s a unique person and to be honest, he was fourth on my list of crushes at work at the time. I don’t know what possessed me to pursue him, but now I have a Vivian on my hands and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
A few days ago, Mum and I decided on some plane tickets and a car rental and actually made a purchase. It definitely solidified the plan. We also talked about how we don’t have the best record of traveling together, so we made a pact to talk to each other about anything unexpected so no one cops an attitude.
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