Sober Spiel

I slept at Mum’s again and Mark actually called this morning. He was wondering if I was gonna stop by his house before heading to work, to which I replied that I was. I could hear a slight inflection in his voice and could tell… after hanging up with him, I literally said out loud: “he’s only showing me attention because he’s horny.” Blunt but true. It made his affections not the center of my world for some reason. He’s just treated me so… unlovingly, it’s been awkward. I’ve crossed the fence many times on whether we’re still together or not and it shouldn’t be like that. I shouldn’t have to question that in any capacity. Perhaps being apart will grow us closer together, it worked for Mum and me. So I went over for some nookie and to get ready for work. He and I had a great conversation, it flowed effortlessly and felt natural. I broke down and told him about my sobriety. He wasn’t convinced. He said to comeback to him in six months. It just makes me want to be even more sober. He says that he’s heard the “it’s been 30 days” spiel a lot and frankly I don’t remember boasting like that “every time” because I understand how important moving in silence is. I told him that starting January, I’m going to treat saving for Disneyland like a bill. He said he’d heard that before too. Ugh, I’ve been such an asshole, not staying true to my word.