For A Little While, We Were a Family

It was a really nice Saturday. I got to have breakfast with Mark and Vivian. I ordered strawberry crepes and my stomach got so sick. Even after a trip to the bathroom, I was so sick. I felt bad. I didn’t finish and had to take them to-go. We went to the movie which was really great. I didn’t have getting fingered at the Regal on my bingo card for 2026, but that happened. I knew he was “attracted” to me today. It’s a shame I didn’t prep for it. By prep, I mean shower and shave and girlify myself. I’m sure he’s used to it because it’s always so spontaneous. Whenever it’s planned, it never goes as planned. I’m always asking for a raincheck or it doesn’t work out. Anyway, he’s not mad at me anymore. Although I’m left wondering where the hell we stand? Is it just sleeping together with no feeling behind it? He knows how I feel so why the disrespect? We have a kid together for crying out loud, we were engaged to be married at one point. So I don’t know how to feel. I don’t want to come off as needy or like we’re in a relationship when in his mind we’re not, been there, felt that, but I’d sure AF like to know. He’s pretty adamant about keeping feelings locked up tight. He’s a man after all.

After the movie, Vivian came home with me and we just vegged out. She played the Switch, I played World of Warcraft. Eventually we took a screen break and colored together. It was nice. I want to do more stuff like that but it’s hard for me to be creative and the parent and work full-time. She wants to do such a good job and gets frustrated when it doesn’t look good… I love her. She’s just like me. I can’t wait to see what kind of a woman she’s going to become. I pray every day that she grows into a strong, independent woman and that God blesses her with smarts and wit. I’m starting to really enjoy my time with her since quitting that job. I’ll never know what was said or how they felt about it (probably annoyed) but you know? They’ll never know how I felt or what I said because they never asked. I tried to plead my case in that stupid write-up meeting, but it’s hard for me to stick up for myself sometimes. I was blindsided by the meeting as well. To be honest, I was lied to. Ms. Clancy said that we all needed to get together and discuss the new software that was just demonstrated for us. What a fool I was to not see it coming. I don’t regret my choice to resign.

Next week, I’m going to hit the applications hard. Press some people, follow-up in-person and emails. I have to find a job. This isn’t the first time Mum has allowed me to quit an awful job, she’s so amazing. Perhaps it’s me being dramatic and these jobs really aren’t as bad as they seem, but this last one was a doozy. It paid what it did because of what they required from the candidate, which was too much and should have been a salary position, but whatever. Towards the end, I’m not really sure what Ms. Clancy was getting up to at her desk. I was doing the weekend party coordinating and managing the café and putting events together or taking them down. What’s left? Talking with people and pushing buttons, that’s what. I really hope that her team don’t listen to her and treat her the same way that they treated me. I’m still angry that the higher-ups accused me of having the issue. I didn’t make them fear me enough to listen, that’s essentially what I was told.

I’ve spent this whole entry talking about a previous job. Ugh. I got out of bed to blog, so wth? I was just shocked about the whole fingering thing. I didn’t know he’d go from not speaking to me, completely angry to sexually assaulting me in a theater. During a children’s movie no less. I’m not mad at him. I liked it. I went back to his house for some more after the movie… and to pick up Vivian’s medicine. It had to be refrigerated so he couldn’t bring it with him. I got to take a little nap and had a nice, simple dinner with Mum. It was a really nice Saturday. I haven’t had one of those in about eleven months.