Unchosen

Mood:

Listening to: PEEKABOO, Flowdan, & Skrillex’s Badders

Man. My bad feelings from yesterday are ruining this day off. I’ve been napping on and off all day until I had to pick up Viv. I just want him to want me and I’m left wondering what’s wrong with me? Nothing. I’m working on myself and I keep forgetting to love myself first. I still don’t know about this camping trip. It would be fun but (and that’s a large but) there’s romantic expectations from my brain that I can’t ignore and I’ll be analyzing everything he does and doesn’t do. It’s going to be a nightmare (I think) and I won’t have alcohol as a crutch like I did in the past. Is this a fucking test? Besides my vacation with Mum, I haven’t been away from home for that long since my sobriety so it’ll be a challenge and I have to plan accordingly. Again, I just wish that he would want me the way that I want him. I’m pretty obvious about my feelings so he must not feel the same.

Too much caffeine maybe. My self talk is bad. My thoughts aren’t the most positive. I’m trying to enjoy my days off with Vivian but I keep thinking about my problems with Mark, my financial stress.. I’m annoyed, dammit. I picked up a shift at work so I work on Thursday when I normally have the day off.