Meltdowns & Missing Profiles

Mood:

Listening to: ZZ Top’s Sharp Dressed Man

Yesterday was rough. It was rough emotionally for me and since I was having a bad day, I tried to distance myself, however my mother perceived that as me being a spoiled bitch and treating everyone badly. Everything was fine before we picked up Vivian and that’s usually how it goes on Mondays. We picked her up and went to a new indoor amusement park in town. I was already pretty overstimulated from the 444mg caffeine. Now add in screaming playing children and the sneaking suspicion that Mum had been drinking, I was on edge. Then two mistakes happened: I didn’t specify that I wanted to purchase the 60 day summer pass however the cashier when ringing us up asked zero questions. There was a missed opportunity to make a sale on the summer pass. Anyway, this held us up. Mum was insisting on purchasing the summer pass even though we had never been there before, which didn’t make any sense to me. This held us up for a while. Vivian was starting to get impatient. When the manager was summoned, he couldn’t even log in to the software needed for refunds so they shooed us away and said that would work on it. Of course they didn’t and they never came and found me, but that was probably for the best. The first thing we tried were these mega slides. I assumed Viv would go up on her own but suddenly, Mum followed her all the way up. After waiting a couple minutes, I silently blew my temper, gave up waiting and went to sit at a booth. Viv comes to me “Grandma is a bully!” I already knew what was going on because it happened to me so many times as a kid. Because Viv was so scared, my mom thought it was encouragement to make her feel bad. “Kindergarteners are going down that slide, you’re just afraid!” It shot me back to a time at the fair where I was made to feel like shit because I was too afraid to go on a Ferris wheel. My mom can be really cruel and I’ve brought that to her attention but she doesn’t give a fuck. I directed Viv to the dodgeball court where she stood in line. I had a feeling she just wanted to lay on the court like she does at the other trampoline park and that wasn’t going to fly here because they were playing legitimate dodgeball. I had to keep telling myself that I can’t be a Hover-Mom and have these high expectations of what her fun should like. It wasn’t working. Mum was getting more and more frustrated that Viv wasn’t having as much fun as she thought she would. It was so frustrating having to deal with Mum’s emotions and Viv’s emotions AND mine. This is why I came off as a spoiled bitch, trying to maintain feelings.

We went home and things just got worse. She continued to drink and I tried to tell her that her comment earlier about how money comes easy to me hurt my feelings but that was taken too personally. I broke down and asked her for alcohol and that made things even worse. “Do you think that’s the answer?” I could smell the rum on her breath. It made me so angry and upset at how hypocritical she was being. She was literally projecting about her own behavior on to me and didn’t realize. With her being inebriated, we weren’t going anywhere. She was going to take everything I said personally. To avoid further fighting, I just fell asleep. She took over Viv’s care for the evening. I woke up later, had a snack. During the snack, she poked her head in my room and said not to stay up so late. It pissed me off but it was warranted. The previous night, I didn’t sleep and ended up crashing about 6am Monday. Regardless, it made me mad. Viv had a vacation bible summer camp that Mum frivolously signed her up for so she took Viv to that. I got to sleep in a bit but was still irked about yesterday. Mum was being weird, texting me rather than coming to my room, avoiding me or any eye contact, like I had done something wrong when actually, I kept my cool even after asking for alcohol and not getting any. She was the one who made it awkward and ugly by drinking and trying to pick a fight with me.

Anyway, I’m done talking about it. She’s still being weird to me but maybe it’s because she’s embarrassed. I would be too if I acted like she did. I don’t want Viv to see any more of what she’s already witnessed. It’s so peaceful at Mark’s house but when she comes here, there’s emotions to deal with. My Aunt Flo made her debut today so that explains my feelings being all over the place. It just sucks having to grieve the end of my friendship with my besties. I’m serious about this. Our little get together on Sunday will probably be the last time we see each other for a while because I’m sure as fuck not initiating anything, like ever again. To be honest, half of me doesn’t want to go but I’ll be learning about the place where I work and that’s fun. I won’t get to drink any fucking wine but that’s cool. I can’t wait to get dressed up and pretend like I want to be there. I just have a sneaking suspicion that they both think they’re better than me because their lives are so great meanwhile mine isn’t. I’m seriously upset about this and I’m looking for someone to talk to and I have none. I need legitimate therapy.

I deactivated my social media, like pretty much all of it, except for one but I would deactivate that too if I knew how. There’s no reason to communicate with the outside world anymore. I don’t have anything to say and no one has anything to say to me so I’ll just continue moving forward the best I can without all of that nonsense. I’m not in good shape and I don’t go on vacations so besides Vivian, there’s nothing to show off. I suspect that my Dad laying into me, pretty much crying to me over the phone, about how I should get the gastric sleeve surgery had something to do with posting selfies of my chubby face on social media. Otherwise, why else would he say it? I’m considering it and have spoken to my doctor but there’s loopholes and I’m not going to lie to the doctor about anything like nicotine use just to get things started quicker because it’s my health.