Playing Hooky

Mood:

Listening to: Korn’s Coming Undone

Am I an ungrateful bitch? I’m asking because both of the birthday gifts that I received from my best friends were crafts, which I guess is fine but they’re like really intricate crafts. Like LEGO puzzles and quilling. No thanks. Both of them. Both of the people who should know me best got me something to put together, which I absolutely hate. I’m so disappointed, I could cry. Not because I didn’t get anything cute or fun but because they should know better, knowing me. Oh well. I give gift cards to their favorite shops so what the fuck am I complaining about? Note to self: don’t think/try so fucking hard in the future. Plus when I’m around Amber or in her house, I get so envious of what she has. I wish I was as put together as she is, with a car from this century and a house with a yard and a man in her bed. Fuck, I hate what I’ve done with my life.

I received my birthday gift while caring for Amber’s dog while she’s away on a day trip. I have a feeling this might be a test, to see if I can be trusted in her house, alone with her booze. There’s cameras all over the place so I’m sure she saw my every move. I’m not even looking quite frankly because I bought some on the way there. I’m not sure when I slipped off my sobriety train but it’s been a few days. Lately, I’m filled with so much anxiety and dread because of it and lack of my meds AND my Aunt Flo coming to town. I decided to call off work, I just couldn’t pretend to be happy all damn day while working in the sun. I texted my boss and put a message in our group chat for coverage. Hopefully I don’t get in trouble. Anyway, I took the day for myself and it was kind of miserable. My first stop was the library. It was nice going through my favorite sections without a little girl asking me when we were leaving. I found cookbooks and books to take with me while cabining next week. I found a quiet spot to sit by the conference rooms and meant to crack open my books but was distracted by the YouTube. I was there for about two hours before being hassled by some Africans multiple times to join their free financial aid seminar happening shortly. It was very annoying so I checked out too many books and left. I was extremely paranoid about running into Mum while driving downtown, my car is very noticeable. I fled to the city center and had some orange chicken. I was there for about two hours before realizing I was the only patron left after their mini late lunch rush. Then I sat in my car for a while, in the heat. I applied my makeup in case I ran into Mum (no make up would have been a dead give away) then headed for the house but saw she was still home on her lunch break so I went to Vivian’s church down the street where I watched some Intervention on my phone to kill time. It was so hot, even in the shade. After two more hours, when I knew it was safe to go home, I did. I stripped off my work gear, my boots, my bra, and stood naked in front of the A/C. It was glorious. In the span of seven hours, I had drank a pint of whiskey and was feeling really tired, groggy, and ashamed. Why do I keep doing this? I didn’t even enjoy my “day off”. I avoided my house so as not to raise Mum’s suspicions and in turn, had a miserable, hot day in the car instead. I have to stop drinking. Period. I have Mark back on my side, things with Mum are so much nicer when she knows I’m sober, I feel better when I’m sober, I can’t fuck this up again… So why did I do this to myself!? A problem from a few days ago caused me to drink and now those repercussions are still biting me in the ass. To avoid the charges showing up on my bank statement, I’ve been using my credit card and saving receipts, which is just awful. I’m an awful human being.

I’ll pretty much be on my period the entire time we’re cabining which fucking sucks but what am I supposed to do about that? Not a bloody thing (pardon the pun). It’s legitimately happening this time. We’re driving six hours away on Monday so I have to pack tonight and I’m completely not in the mood.