Mood: 
Listening to: Bhad Bhabie’s Hi Bich
Well. The second date with Samuel went pretty friggin’ well. I went to his house. I know. I already know: that was a naughty idea. I brought a movie as a sheath, “here, let’s watch Fight Club”, how silly of me. We watched about twenty minutes of that before Tom Cruise was brought up, then suddenly he turned on Risky Business. Oh, it was because I was sliding across his floor with my socks on and mentioned that I had never seen it. Neither had he. Interesting, I thought I was the only one who hadn’t seen it. Anyway, that movie made it about forty minutes before things started to happen. Good things. Really good things. I won’t go into detail, but I really like him. Like, a lot. He’s a lot of fun and he’s really good in bed. I paused my Tinder and canceled my other dates. I haven’t told him about Tinder even though I want to. I would think it’s flattering but someone else might think that it’s creepy for some stupid reason. After the deed was done, we laid in his bed, naked, and just talked, about his family, about my family, everything. It was so neat. He’s excited about our third date tomorrow night at the arcade bar downtown, as am I. It’s an experience for us to see how we enjoy each other out in the world while having fun together. I told him that I was super competitive and he called that a “green flag”. He put a wager on our gaming. I asked what the winner would get, to which he put the ball back in my court. I decided to shoot my shot: “Winner picks the fourth date?”
“Deal!”
Like, an enthusiastic answer, right away. Really reassuring. Ugh, I really, really like him. Our fourth date might be a day trip, like a drive somewhere. I’m so excited. He’s all I can think about. Work is going to be so long tomorrow. I really, really want this guy to be my boyfriend and so far, so good, but guys are unpredictable. Mark showed me that men are unpredictable pigs. Samuel seems different. While lying in his bed naked, just chatting, as an Air Force guy, he had some choice things to say about Marines, how reckless and stupid they can be and it just made me laugh. Mark is a marine and he’s kinda fucked up in that way. Anyway. I don’t know when the right time to bring up relationship stuff with Sam would be. After the 5th date? I just want to have a fun time with him, like all the time. I’m really nervous about tomorrow night, even though he’s seen me naked. I get too excited but it’s all that I can think about. He’s pretty neat.
I really miss Vivian. I don’t think I’ll be doing this again, letting her stay at Mark’s for so long. I can’t wait to see her on Sunday. I’m picking her up after work. I miss her little face, even her silly tantrums. Life feels good right now. I’m doing my best to balance Mum, Viv, and now Samuel. Mum definitely doesn’t feel left out, on the outside anyway. I’d love to blend my life with Samuel’s eventually… Whoa, this is not a conversation for right now. It really feels nice completely ignoring Mark after being so obsessed for so long. He’s sent me some Viv updates, what she’s been up to and it’s nice, but I’m not into chatting. We are done in that sense. Even though she didn’t see a picture of Mark, a girl at work said that I’m way more available and easy to catch. “It’s his loss.” It’s his LOSS. He created an insecurity in me by ghosting me all those years ago and then broke my heart again and again. I’m done with that phase. I’ve tried to move on with boyfriends and Hoe Phases and alcohol in the past but this time, I’m ultra serious. As he said to me coldly when Viv was first born, “You’re just the mother of my child.” which to me, is a huge title, but to him, it means shit. So, with that being said, he’s just the father of my daughter and that’s all he’ll ever be.
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