Mood: 
Listening to: Rammstein’s Halleluja
Vivian’s first day was a success! I didn’t even have to wake her up, she was sitting on her bed when I went to her room. I made her usual breakfast request: pancakes and sausage. Mark got her dressed and then had to redress her after I observed that she mixed athletic high-tops with a pretty sequined dress. He thought that would be okay but I didn’t want her to look like a goofball (especially on the first day) so she changed her outfit rather than the shoes. They’re pretty cool shoes too, I’ve never had a pair like that. I don’t blame her for wanting to wear them. We got her to school on time, I got my annual picture of her holding the “first day of school” sign (five years running now). It was a good morning. I was a little stressed because Mum kept texting me requests from her room while I had lots of stuff going on, I may or may not have snapped at Mark when he questioned what I was packing Vivian for lunch. When I closed up a baggy half full of shredded mozzarella, he said it would be too messy for her to eat. I stopped what I was doing, thought to myself ‘what a dumb fucking thing to say’ and then stared at him. “You’ve stopped me from what I was doing so what would you like me to do instead?”. He looked at me and stood down, then continued to help Vivian but I felt bad. I apologized later for it.
After we got her off to school, we tidied my flat a bit for Mum before taking off to his house to play FFXIV. He plays it frequently with some people he met a long time ago and asked me to give it try, again. I’m really not enjoying it to be honest. I didn’t enjoy it previously either. I’m still wondering whether or not to stop playing World of Warcraft for a while because I’m not finding any joy in it. So playing an entirely different game that’s mighty similar? I don’t know. But yeah. We took separate cars so I could leave in the afternoon to pick Viv up from school. Before I left, I fiddled around with the HUD and did some minor storyline quests with Mark over my shoulder, but I just didn’t get into it. How long do I have to play before I say that I officially don’t like it? He used to play WOW but vowed never again. Its storyline is too “we trust you, oh no you betrayed us… okay we trust you again. Oh no, you betrayed us again!” I can see that being frustrating to deal considering he mainly plays for the story, not the other stuff. His favorite game of all, EverQuest, must have an amazing storyline because that game looks like trash (the graphics give me a headache) and it was so difficult to play for me. I tried it though. For him. It wasn’t my cup of tea. I like my World of Warcraft, but lately I’ve been thinking “what’s the point”.
Things between he and I are still going great. We’re communicating and I’m not holding back. We’re both still touchy-feely with each other. He’s slept over a couple times. He made dinner for Mum and I again on Tuesday night, chicken and mashed which was divine. He wanted to be there for Vivian’s first day of school so he slept over on Tuesday. It’s been really nice. I’m calling him out more on his bullshit (the shit he says sometimes, I don’t understand) and it feels good not keeping it in just to save his ego. He doesn’t need an ego around me. I should be a safe person to let his guard down when I’m around and vice versa.
I drank today. On my way to Mark’s, I noticed he took a different route home so I stopped by the liquor store. It just made me sleepy and not a good Mom to Viv. Why? Why do I do it? I can’t even afford it and everything is going so well in life. Why do I feel the need to drink? I guess I wanted that bubbly feeling I get from a sip of Brut instead of the temporary high from shots of whiskey. I wish I didn’t drink. I can’t let the important people in my life know what I’m getting up to or else I’ll disappoint them and I don’t want to do that. Tomorrow is pay day, the ultimate test. I have so many bills and things to pay back, it’s sickening. I hope it’s a big one… that’s what she said.
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