Halloween 2025

I’ve been having a difficult time relaxing lately. Like more than usual. And I’m concerned about my anxiety attacks before going to social events. I had another one while driving Vivian to a Trunk-or-Treat. I literally started to cry and I really hate that. It could be my Aunt Flo making her way into town or it could be that I haven’t been consistent with my mood stabilizer and antidepressant. Anyway, Mark brought it to my attention that I’ve been in a bad mood for the majority of the “Holiday season” which I guess includes school supply shopping and now Halloween. To be far, I was irritated with school supply shopping because we waited until the last minute and couldn’t find an item on our list. We had to order it and wait for it to ship to complete our list that we’ve had access to for months. That was entirely his fault. But the anxiety attacks are prohibiting me from living my best life. I wish I had something stronger. And I wish I had the gastric sleeve surgery so as to feel better about myself.

Now with Halloween, I just felt overstimulated and rushed. Work was meh and I left early so I could get Viv ready. Once I got home, I just wanted to veg out but had to get myself ready and her ready and eat their crappy dinner when I had planned on getting us fast food. I forgot her makeup, I forgot my shoes. Like I mentioned on the way there, everything boiled up and I literally considered buying a bag of candy and lying to everyone, claiming we had a good time but then I thought about the lack of photographic evidence. Ugh. So we went. Thankfully we found a good parking spot while lots of others were left aggressively searching. Vivian’s church always has a great Trunk-or-Treat so she had a good time. Lots of people, lots of pictures, lots of anxiety. There weren’t as many trunks this year which is a shame because it didn’t rain until about 8pm. It motivated me to sign up for a themed trunk next year to avoid the craziness of having to be here and there, pulled in too many directions. 

After that event, we went to another church nearby that usually has a Trunk-or-Treat event but this year they went with a Halloween Party instead. They had games and a bouncy house, Viv had a good time. I was exhausted, emotionally from having to put on a happy face and physically because I haven’t truly relaxed in weeks. After that spooky flop, we went to Mum’s work for some shrimp and fries. She bought some macarons from the Italian Deli next door and they were fabulous. Delightfully delicate crunch with amazing flavor in the middle. I need more of them in my life. Anyway, when I got home, that’s when Mark brought to my attention that I only have so much time, on this earth and with her, so in more words or less, I better start being in a better mood for big events. I tried to explain to him that being the “fun parent” as he has lovingly labeled me is exhausting… he didn’t understand. I even asked him before we left if he wanted to go with us and literally avoid the crowds by waiting in the car, but he said no. He really pissed me off before we left too: poking fun at me any chance he could get. That shit gets old. Half of me wishes I had a man that knew the difference between being funny and being disrespectful and the other half can live without love and romance. Mark used to be good at it but then he fucked up with a blonde co-worker at a pool bar he actually took me to first.

Currently, I’m at Mum’s house, having a sleepover with her and Viv even though I said I wouldn’t this weekend because I’m sick of traveling. I’ve even looked into renting a house so Mum and I could just live together so I wouldn’t have to drive across town and also wouldn’t have to hear her complain about needing a roommate. No such luck on the rentals, not this time of year. Anyway! On the way over here, I started thinking about how I wish I could be my own boss and get back into the restaurant industry because I really liked it when it was does properly. I thought about the organic cafe in my hometown that we visited on vacation and wondered if I couldn’t bring that kind of flair to my new town. Now I’m obsessed with creating a menu and taking the steps to make a business, something I’m passionate about, something to leave to Vivian that she can either take and run with or begrudgingly sell my life’s work.