New Year, New Week

The first week of the year has been tough. I haven’t been as successful in the mornings as I’d like. It’s the constant snoozing and not having time to collect myself before facing the day that’s killing me. Thankfully Mum has been really helpful with Vivian. I’ve been late to work almost every day but in my defense, it was a struggle just to show up. Finding a remote job isn’t as easy as everyone makes it out to be. There’s SO much competition in the fields I’m searching for, it’s ridiculous. 200 applicants for 1 job? It’s hard to stand out. I’ve made my resume user friendly, whatever that means, and my administrative experience is limited. It’s a great job, I don’t know why I’m struggling to overcome my mountain of anxiety, it’s not a grueling job now that I’m choosing my battles more wisely. It’s pretty sweet with some great benefits and perks. I’m four months away from being there for a year. I’m glad for that because for a while, it was hard to keep a job for me. A lot of it has to do with being drunk literally all of the time. 

My Dad is engaged and I think it’s really asinine of him to force the romance. He claims to be so lonely so he’s searching for a subservient Thai bride. This one happens to be younger than me, I’m a little offended. In one phone call, he mentioned how things weren’t going as good as he’d hoped with their relationship (well why did he expect, they met online) and then the next phone call, he’s confession to popping the question. I have a feeling that I’ll be fighting this Thai bride for my inheritance but so be it. 

I had to postpone my doctor’s appointment again, I’m so ashamed. I really need to talk to a doctor about help for my mental health and a new gastroenterologist. I can tell that something is wrong in my gut and I know for a fact that I need medication, possibly even therapy. My anxiety levels are high and my neck/shoulders are so tense. I wish that I had muscle relaxers. 

88 days sober. I still haven’t reached out for a sponsor or attended an AA meeting. Of course I still feel like drinking, that will most likely never go away, but it’s easier looking at that phase of my life in the rear view mirror rather than still living in it.