Megan’s Paper Trail

Back to School, Back to Happy

September 9, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Rammstein’s Halleluja

Vivian’s first day was a success! I didn’t even have to wake her up, she was sitting on her bed when I went to her room. I made her usual breakfast request: pancakes and sausage. Mark got her dressed and then had to redress her after I observed that she mixed athletic high-tops with a pretty sequined dress. He thought that would be okay but I didn’t want her to look like a goofball (especially on the first day) so she changed her outfit rather than the shoes. They’re pretty cool shoes too, I’ve never had a pair like that. I don’t blame her for wanting to wear them. We got her to school on time, I got my annual picture of her holding the “first day of school” sign (five years running now). It was a good morning. I was a little stressed because Mum kept texting me requests from her room while I had lots of stuff going on, I may or may not have snapped at Mark when he questioned what I was packing Vivian for lunch. When I closed up a baggy half full of shredded mozzarella, he said it would be too messy for her to eat. I stopped what I was doing, thought to myself ‘what a dumb fucking thing to say’ and then stared at him. “You’ve stopped me from what I was doing so what would you like me to do instead?”. He looked at me and stood down, then continued to help Vivian but I felt bad. I apologized later for it.

After we got her off to school, we tidied my flat a bit for Mum before taking off to his house to play FFXIV. He plays it frequently with some people he met a long time ago and asked me to give it try, again. I’m really not enjoying it to be honest. I didn’t enjoy it previously either. I’m still wondering whether or not to stop playing World of Warcraft for a while because I’m not finding any joy in it. So playing an entirely different game that’s mighty similar? I don’t know. But yeah. We took separate cars so I could leave in the afternoon to pick Viv up from school. Before I left, I fiddled around with the HUD and did some minor storyline quests with Mark over my shoulder, but I just didn’t get into it. How long do I have to play before I say that I officially don’t like it? He used to play WOW but vowed never again. Its storyline is too “we trust you, oh no you betrayed us… okay we trust you again. Oh no, you betrayed us again!” I can see that being frustrating to deal considering he mainly plays for the story, not the other stuff. His favorite game of all, EverQuest, must have an amazing storyline because that game looks like trash (the graphics give me a headache) and it was so difficult to play for me. I tried it though. For him. It wasn’t my cup of tea. I like my World of Warcraft, but lately I’ve been thinking “what’s the point”.

Things between he and I are still going great. We’re communicating and I’m not holding back. We’re both still touchy-feely with each other. He’s slept over a couple times. He made dinner for Mum and I again on Tuesday night, chicken and mashed which was divine. He wanted to be there for Vivian’s first day of school so he slept over on Tuesday. It’s been really nice. I’m calling him out more on his bullshit (the shit he says sometimes, I don’t understand) and it feels good not keeping it in just to save his ego. He doesn’t need an ego around me. I should be a safe person to let his guard down when I’m around and vice versa.

I drank today. On my way to Mark’s, I noticed he took a different route home so I stopped by the liquor store. It just made me sleepy and not a good Mom to Viv. Why? Why do I do it? I can’t even afford it and everything is going so well in life. Why do I feel the need to drink? I guess I wanted that bubbly feeling I get from a sip of Brut instead of the temporary high from shots of whiskey. I wish I didn’t drink. I can’t let the important people in my life know what I’m getting up to or else I’ll disappoint them and I don’t want to do that. Tomorrow is pay day, the ultimate test. I have so many bills and things to pay back, it’s sickening. I hope it’s a big one… that’s what she said.
The Never-Ending Shift

September 6, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Bhad Bhabie’s Racks (featuring City Girls)

Yesterday went pretty well. I was the breaker at work, so that kind of sucked. It requires giving people their lunch break and in the process, assuming their tables while they’re away, so you’re basically having different sections/tables/customer interactions all day. It’s frustrating. I’d rather have a section that’s mine all day and get to know those customers, from the beginning of their experience to the end. I tried to leave early (again) but it didn’t pan out like that. I had to take over someone’s section towards the end of the night so they could leave since they were an opener. Thank God I was there for that one table at 6:15pm in that section… Anyway! They don’t care about burning through labor and I’m fine with that. After work, I went to Mark’s for a sleepover. They were watching Avengers so I stayed in the kitchen and watched my YouTube trash while eating corndogs. I woke up to rain coming down like cats and dogs. It was so awesome and I’m very excited for the Autumn-Winter season. The ‘ber months are the best months!

Work today was absolutely relentless. There was a constant flow of business all day, which is fine but still, I had had enough. Just when I thought it was over, I’d get another table. And then just when I thought that was it, I’d get another table. It was quite annoying. Plus there was live music for five hours of my seven hour shift. The band was okay, they certainly reached across a lot of different genres of music. It was entertaining to hear a mellow, ethereal version of “I’m In Love With A Stripper”, but after hearing them for two days in a row, I was done. I don’t like live music at my work, especially music that I’m not the biggest fan of, for example, their sound. I complained to some of my co-workers that they weren’t singing enough Cardi B for me and they did not expect a person like me to listen to such things. I think it’s the metal-chick-persona that I give off. I wear a lot of black and dark, bold colors on my lips. I also just dyed my hair black so… someone like that listening to Glorilla rap with Megan Thee Stallion shocked them. That is just the tip of the iceberg. Don’t get me started on my beloved Dubstep, I’m a total BASSHEAD. I came home tonight to play Scrabble with Mum and she’s making dinner. I’m so blessed. I really feel like things are coming together. Knock on some fucking wood, why am I jinxing shit?!
Back to School, Back to Us

September 4, 2026

Mood:

Listening to : Saweetie’s Best Friend (feat. Doja Cat)

I actually got off of work early yesterday. It was kind of slow but I wasn’t a crucial position and I planted the “I want to early” seed early. It was Vivian’s open house at school and I really wanted to be there, especially with Mark. I got home and he picked us up. We met Viv’s teacher and got to see her classroom. Staff kept telling us to head to the cafeteria for something special for Vivian. I didn’t know what to expect. When we got there, they had redecorated the cafeteria with pictures of students and Vivian was one of them! It was so special. Vivian was thrilled. After that, we headed to dinner and then home. It was a great night spent together as a family unit.

Another surreal night in the books. Mark spent the night again and Mum was totally fine with it. I truly hope that this version of him remains sustainable. He’s so open about things and has obviously put his guard down. It was such a great feeling sitting on the couch in my living room, with my boyfriend, watching TV, and then heading to bed together. It’s been such an amazing time and hope that life only gets better from here. With things changing, it would be so amazing to rent a large house together, or even move Mum and everything into Mark’s house. I’d just love to blend my families.
Surreality

September 3, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Brandi Investigates on the YouTube

Yesterday was pretty surreal. Mark actually came over, cooked dinner for Mum and I and even spent the night. My mind is still literally blown. The three of us sat at a table, ate a dinner that he and I cooked, and actually had a great time together. It was so amazing. I wish I had taken a picture but that would have been weird. Actually I did when everyone was in my room, but it was in secret. I just couldn’t believe it. Mum and Mark have never really gotten along so this was incredible. Both of them were putting their hurt feelings aside. He’s still here, in my bed! If you would have asked me a month ago, three weeks ago, two days ago, if I thought Mark and Mum would be in the same room, I would have just laughed in your face. Now, it’s different. I love it. It makes me want to stick with me and find a larger house for us to live in together. I know that’s a huge step from cooking us dinner, but it was just so nice. I truly hope that this change in behavior or sudden realization about our faults (mainly his) last for a great while, like forever. He’s a whole different human and I love it. His guard is down, he’s sharing things about his life, the way it was supposed to be. My besties are gonna be mad but oh well. Sam was a fun distraction but I’m over it. And the fact that me being quiet on my end basically initiated him ghosting me, it wasn’t hard to get over him. Essentially he was waiting for me to chase him and I’m so done with that noise. I think I made the right decision. What he did was a bitch move, but it’s his loss. It’s his loss.

I know I said that I was done with this chapter in my life, but now I feel like there’s a whole new chapter with Mark opening up, being an entirely different person. A better human, with more communication and openness. Ugh, am I being naïve? He’s going through something with his family so I hope that all of this newfound ability to be himself is genuine. I’m going to be myself also and not hold back. If I’ve got a question, I’m bringing it to his attention.
Try the Starter

September 2, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Eminem’s Still Don’t Give A Fuck

Mark texted me, today, again.

I had mentioned to him that Mum was making some food and bought a cobbler for him and his Dad to enjoy while his Mother has been admitted to the hospital. She’s really not doing well and I’m scared for her. He wasn’t in a good way either. He needed to see me. I told him that I didn’t want to go to his house because I didn’t trust myself alone with him, so he compromised and said to meet at an all-night diner. After much deliberation, I decided to get my apology in person for the first time ever. I brought along the cobbler too. He vented about his situation and told me how he regrets how he handled our situation. Eventually, I followed him home. I have loved this man for ten years and finally got some sincerity. It’s like I can be myself now and say what I want. We basically reconciled but I’m still extremely hesitant. The sex between Mark and I had been really great back in July and last night was good too. Really good because there was no filter. Being with Sam brought me out of my shell, helped me remember who I am, and I’m not going to let my insecurities from Mark affect how I am in front of him anymore. It felt really good getting what I wanted from him after needing it for so long.

Anyway, after all that at Mark’s house, I go to leave and my fucking car wouldn’t start. He tried to hook it up to some jumper cables, but that didn’t seem to be the issue. While waiting for AAA, I deduced from ChatGPT that it might be the starter. The technician confirmed that when he got there and did his little thing on the car so I towed it to my mechanic who is thankfully on that side of town. Mark gave me a ride home. It was after 4am when I crashed in bed. Who knows if Mark will feel this way in six months? In two months?
And There He Was

August 31, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Cardi B’s AH HA

I knew it. I knew that once I moved on and found some happiness in a different person and stopped being so obsessed with Mark, he would try to weasel his way back into my life. Mark bared his soul yesterday but after setting him up for an apology and never receiving one, I realized that it’s too late and I’m done with his toxicity. “Am I supposed to keep the door open forever until you come to your senses?” He called those fighting words. His mom isn’t doing so well so I feel bad and don’t want to be an utter bitch to him, but I’m still hurt. And I told him that. The normal human reaction after someone says that you hurt them would be to say “I’m sorry for hurting you”. He didn’t. Multiple set-ups for an apology were dropped. It was more the opposite and I can’t be with someone who doesn’t feel comfortable with me. He’s not comfortable enough to put down his walls and be vulnerable, to share his thoughts. He just explodes and expects me to wait for him to come back with his tail between his legs. “We ain’t finna do that”. I’m being a little more understanding when it comes to him because of his Mum, but he doesn’t want to be romantically involved with me and didn’t disputed it when I told him. I learned more about him last night in his text messages than I have all year. I’m literally shaking my head.
Cloud Nine

August 30, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Glorilla’s Unh Unh

I’m still on cloud nine. Samuel and I had a third date tonight/last night. I worked a super long and grueling shift beforehand. Our date was supposed to be at a bar, with people and loud noises and stimulation. Literally within the hour we were supposed to meet up, I asked him if he wouldn’t mind changing it up considering the day that I had had in the special owner’s room to which he agreed very easily, he truly didn’t care. I got ready outside of my car in the vineyard parking lot and excitedly headed to his house. He drove us to Chipotle (my request) in his really sexy truck where I was happy to pay for us after he paid on the first date. He left his wallet in the truck by accident so I was literally so happy to step in. Anyway, we watched an episode of True Blood which is a crazy Vampire show while we ate. It was so comforting because that’s all I wanted to do: eat a nice dinner with his man with a good show on. Then he kicked my ass at Mario Kart after I talked a big game. Then the sexy stuff happened. It was really amazing. We have a lot of similarities being so close in age. We both have the same taste in music (except for my obsession with female hip-hop artists and dubstep) and pop culture references. I hope he likes me just as much as I like him. Only time will tell. Let’s just say I didn’t need to take my clothes off (or my boots) for him to get to know me… and my kitty.

I swear, the universe tapped Mark on the shoulder and was like, “hey, she’s totally moving on, you should text her like she wanted”. He tried to start multiple conversations with me but I’m just not giving in anymore. It’s all about Viv and some sympathy about his drama but that’s about it; he lost access to me. It took ten years to move on after realizing that I deserve so much more and I really think that I found that in Sam. I told him that I paused my Tinder to which he said he turned off notifications and hasn’t look at it since we’ve been chatting. It felt nice to feel some reciprocity. I think I’m just going to delete it. I’m still so afraid that he’s going to ghost me but that’s my insecurity to deal with. I can’t project that onto him. He’s not Mark, he’s an entirely different human. Anyway, Mark literally asked about my days off and if I did anything fun. Like he’s ever really given a fuck before.
Kissing Him, Missing Her

August 28, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Bhad Bhabie’s Hi Bich

Well. The second date with Samuel went pretty friggin’ well. I went to his house. I know. I already know: that was a naughty idea. I brought a movie as a sheath, “here, let’s watch Fight Club”, how silly of me. We watched about twenty minutes of that before Tom Cruise was brought up, then suddenly he turned on Risky Business. Oh, it was because I was sliding across his floor with my socks on and mentioned that I had never seen it. Neither had he. Interesting, I thought I was the only one who hadn’t seen it. Anyway, that movie made it about forty minutes before things started to happen. Good things. Really good things. I won’t go into detail, but I really like him. Like, a lot. He’s a lot of fun and he’s really good in bed. I paused my Tinder and canceled my other dates. I haven’t told him about Tinder even though I want to. I would think it’s flattering but someone else might think that it’s creepy for some stupid reason. After the deed was done, we laid in his bed, naked, and just talked, about his family, about my family, everything. It was so neat. He’s excited about our third date tomorrow night at the arcade bar downtown, as am I. It’s an experience for us to see how we enjoy each other out in the world while having fun together. I told him that I was super competitive and he called that a “green flag”. He put a wager on our gaming. I asked what the winner would get, to which he put the ball back in my court. I decided to shoot my shot: “Winner picks the fourth date?”

“Deal!”

Like, an enthusiastic answer, right away. Really reassuring. Ugh, I really, really like him. Our fourth date might be a day trip, like a drive somewhere. I’m so excited. He’s all I can think about. Work is going to be so long tomorrow. I really, really want this guy to be my boyfriend and so far, so good, but guys are unpredictable. Mark showed me that men are unpredictable pigs. Samuel seems different. While lying in his bed naked, just chatting, as an Air Force guy, he had some choice things to say about Marines, how reckless and stupid they can be and it just made me laugh. Mark is a marine and he’s kinda fucked up in that way. Anyway. I don’t know when the right time to bring up relationship stuff with Sam would be. After the 5th date? I just want to have a fun time with him, like all the time. I’m really nervous about tomorrow night, even though he’s seen me naked. I get too excited but it’s all that I can think about. He’s pretty neat.

I really miss Vivian. I don’t think I’ll be doing this again, letting her stay at Mark’s for so long. I can’t wait to see her on Sunday. I’m picking her up after work. I miss her little face, even her silly tantrums. Life feels good right now. I’m doing my best to balance Mum, Viv, and now Samuel. Mum definitely doesn’t feel left out, on the outside anyway. I’d love to blend my life with Samuel’s eventually… Whoa, this is not a conversation for right now. It really feels nice completely ignoring Mark after being so obsessed for so long. He’s sent me some Viv updates, what she’s been up to and it’s nice, but I’m not into chatting. We are done in that sense. Even though she didn’t see a picture of Mark, a girl at work said that I’m way more available and easy to catch. “It’s his loss.” It’s his LOSS. He created an insecurity in me by ghosting me all those years ago and then broke my heart again and again. I’m done with that phase. I’ve tried to move on with boyfriends and Hoe Phases and alcohol in the past but this time, I’m ultra serious. As he said to me coldly when Viv was first born, “You’re just the mother of my child.” which to me, is a huge title, but to him, it means shit. So, with that being said, he’s just the father of my daughter and that’s all he’ll ever be.
First Date Vibes

August 26, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Megan Thee Stallion’s HISS

Today was good. Like, really good. I picked up a shift at work from a lead who was in trouble so that felt good. It was extremely busy for a Wednesday in the special Owner’s room. The tasting room as a whole wasn’t as busy as I was. It felt good. I wasn’t even supposed to be there. I got to leave early because it was slow which was great because I had a date after work. Yes, that’s right. A date and not with the guy mentioned in the previous entry who was using AI for replies. A lot of my co-workers were rooting for me before I left so that was sweet. I’ll have good news to report. He and I really hit it off, just like in our texts. We met at a restaurant downtown and basically stayed until they closed. He walked me to my car and we bullshitted for a bit before he pulled me in for a really nice kiss. After a few more delicious kisses, I asked to go back to his house like an idiot and then when I pulled up, was like, “What the fuck am I doing?” I didn’t want to have sex on the first date and even told him that. He was fine with it but we made out like teenagers, dry humping and all. It was so great. We honestly didn’t have sex which is really huge for me, I left before that could happen.

Okay. So he’s really sweet. He’s respectful. He’s a military man. He has his own place, he has a kid. He has a really cool job that he’s had for a long while. He has great taste in music and has a great sense of humor. I don’t want to spill too much because he seems really cool and I want to be his girlfriend already, like really bad, but who the fuck knows when that will happen? I’m sure it won’t happen like the last guy I was with that I found in the dating pool. Anyway! We have a second date tomorrow night. It’s definitely going to get physical so I’m nervous about that, but at least we met, those nervous feels have subsided. I didn’t get creepy vibes from him at all. Quite the opposite. And he’s got a bald head and light eyes, which I go crazy for. We almost did it, but like I said, I left. It was getting hot and heavy. He’s a great kisser. He’s been upgraded in my phone from “Tinder Dude” to his true name. Is that too soon?

I was up front about the date with Mum. I didn’t lie, I was straight up and told her where I was going to be. I was supposed to pick her up after she got off of work so I mentioned it while trying to coordinate when I needed to be there. When I texted her this message, she replied with “I’ll be fine.” I just knew she was going to be mad about what I was doing but whatever. I’m trying to move on from Mark and this is my process. This new guy is so sweet and ugh. I don’t want to jinx anything so I’ll stop talking about him right… now. I’m more concerned with how upset Mum was but the, out of the blue, later in the day, she texted me to leave her steak out of the freezer if I was going home with a smiley face, her way of subtly saying that she wasn’t mad. It felt good to see that she was completely destroyed because I went on a date. When I got home, she even asked how it was. It feels good to know that she can handle this kind of news and that I can talk to her about it. I’m not moving out, I’m not abandoning her, I’m having fun and eating free shrimp. And getting my kitty some attention.
Potential AI Boyfriend?

August 24, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Rammstein’s Das Modell

Okay. New boy from Tinder is rocking my socks off. He’s using ChatGPT though, I could tell from the amount of emojis because no grown man uses 2-3 in a response unless he’s a child and when he sent a message that was a bold font, I could tell that was from an AI. I have to change the formatting before sending my messages. It’s okay though because I too am using an AI to help spice up our conversation. I don’t know what to say and the AI just does the talking for me. I’m half flattered, half “wtf”. How can I be mad about him doing something that I’m doing? At least he’s communicating with me, unlike Mark who couldn’t find the time in his busy, unemployed schedule to send a “sup” or even a “ugh, my day sucks”. Anyway! I’m planning this date with him. I won’t reveal a name because if I did that with every potential person I’d be going on a date with, I’d go through the alphabet three times over.

Mark asked to keep Viv an extra day because of family that’s visiting from out of town. I’m annoyed because he knew they were fucking coming, for like months. Why ask me the day before she’s supposed to be dropped off if you can keep her for an extra day? I guess I overreacted because I asked him to keep her all week and he obliged. I’ll miss her but I’ve got so much to do in her room while she’s gone.