Finding Balance: Managing Life After Alcohol

Mood:

Listening to: Funtcase – Acid Riddim

Today was day two of sobriety from alcohol, slowly approaching Day three. I decided to keep my sobriety date of May 13th. I’ve been fighting an unseen battle since making the decision to stay clean and it hasn’t been easy. I left work early today. It took so much to get to my lunch hour and I couldn’t see myself staying the rest of the five hours left. But that’s the way it goes on Fridays and eventually Saturdays. Today I was on time and ready to go, but it was so painfully slow and Mum had the day off, I’d rather spend it with her. And to hear people at work saying every other minute “there’s so many of us here, we keep bumping into each other…” I figured maybe one of us could leave since the leads are too stupid to realize that the business isn’t there so neither should the staff. It’s not a holiday weekend, the weather outside is cloudy and awful, we’re not about to get a rush. I’m discovering more and more people at work to avoid and I wish that these people knew that about themselves. I avoid you because you’re rude and seem completely unapproachable. There was one lead today that was training someone, yet this trainee kept coming to me, asking questions and thankfully I knew the answer. I had to gather that information myself because it wasn’t just handed over freely. Gee, I wonder why she didn’t feel comfortable going to her trainer. Could it be that her trainer’s a frigid bitch and emotionally unavailable to train someone else on how to do a good job or even how to do their job in general? Just sayin’. Something in me just didn’t want to work today and I’m a big girl, I can make these types of decisions on my own and suffer the consequences later.

My time away from work was miserable. Vivian was in a lot of pain due to a cut on her lip that Mark let get out of control. I had to take her to the urgent care where they prescribed us medicine that Vivian absolutely hated taking and I absolutely hated giving it to her. It was a liquid antibiotic that didn’t taste very good and a steroidal lip ointment for the wound that stung her when I applied it. She was miserable, I was miserable. I kept her home from school because I didn’t want to make THEM miserable. Her teacher reached out to me to see how she was doing, it was very nice of her. Anyway, I never really relaxed and the flat was a hot mess the entire time, I was too lazy to do anything. As usual, on Wednesday, I finally mustered up the motivation to clean, even after I feel like it’s already too late.

I have one week (allegedly) until my next payday so I’m really looking forward to that. A couple of days ago, I started a digital ledger and literally watched a hundred dollar loan fade away on impulse buys. My poor Mum. I put her through so much and I really need to just put my head down for a while and work hard. But not too hard because if I do, I might not receive gov’t assistance. I changed my availability to just Friday through Sunday, I keep wanting to take Thursday off, to enjoy them child free and work free like I was beginning to look forward to so I officially made it possible for myself. Mum and I call them “Therapeutic Thursdays”. We both have the day off and enjoy being lazy together. Sometimes we take in a movie… well, most times we take in a movie. We get movie theater popcorn from an actual movie theater down the street and watch something at home so we can pause and pee at our leisure. It’s good times and I’m glad to not be stressing out over a full time job like I was. I still feel so foolish wasting all of my money, especially so quickly. I impulsively buy. It’s another friggin’ addiction that I have to deal with. I can’t be trusted with credit cards and I have absolutely no savings. The last time I was able to save a large amount of money, it was over twenty years and I eventually blew it all on a new computer that I no longer have. It’s annoying how I treat money and I need to have more respect for it. Especially since I work so hard for it.