Navigating Chaos: A Day of Family Bonding

Mood:

Listening to: Lupage- Bass down low

Today was really frustrating. I was internally screaming the entire day and trying to smile on the outside. So yesterday, Mum was invited to her bosses’ annual birthday party at a State Park about forty minutes away. I was trying to be supportive to Mum and her job as well as find something to do because there’s no school and Vivian needed something to do. It started off with no address. Just drive to the State Park, there will be a playground on your left when you get there. Mind you, this State Park has multiple entrances, multiple areas, multiple things to see. With Vivian dressed, gently rushing us because she heard that there’s a party happening somewhere, we rushed to the store to get things: gift card, birthday card, road snacks, etc. When we leave, in the GPS, I just chose a location, the most southern one. It seemed closest. Oh and also, the sky had some dark and funky clouds threatening to throw down some rain. During the entire forty-minute road trip, we discussed “Would You Rather” questions and by the end, I was already overstimulated. Keep in mind, at that point, I had had at least 300mg of caffeine. Anyway, we get to the campground site and that’s not the spot. There was a lot of activity happening across the road, so we went there. Thankfully I found a parking spot, then Mum left the car to find the party while Viv and I stayed behind. When she came back five minutes later, we gathered our belongings and headed in. I thought that I wouldn’t be cold since when it’s hot, I’m such a baby now, so I only brought one jacket. We were met by the guest of honor’s father. He was a very nice man, but scattered. He hurried us along to the buffet line and said, “I give you hot dogs and sausages” in a thick Ukrainian accent. I just wanted to get our spot situated and the blanket laid out so we weren’t holding food, trying to juggle both with a Vivian to keep an eye on. He insisted we put our blanket in what seemed to be a walkway into the playground nearby so when he was distracted, I laid our blanket next to the playground. The grass was wet. I wasn’t really hungry and discovered when we arrived at our destination that my vape which I had planned on hitting all friggin’ day was bone dry. Mum ate, Viv did too. They both plopped down on the blanket in the most inconvenient spots, leaving no room for me. When Mum asked why I was standing, I had to tell her, but she perceived it as me being rude and flustered, which I was but damn. There were kids on the playground that were being kids, loud and rambunctious, but unfortunately they weren’t the kids we were hoping for. By that I mean Mum’s bosses’ kids. They had gone for a hike, as did he.

It started to rain.

By this time, Viv was bored with the playground and wanted to go for a walk, which I absolutely detest but obliged. I didn’t want to be there in the first place and now, I have to walk. Oh, and it was full-on raining at that point. The three of us walked by the river, threw rocks in, they got their feet wet, but I wasn’t as “brave”. We continued to walk in hopes of catching a waterfall nearby, which we did but it was really far. We had to stop at the Nature Store that was thankfully on the way to the southern Waterfall for ponchos just to continue forward. I didn’t want to be there, I had been to this State Park before with Mark (bad memories), it was raining, I was cold and hungry and nearing full sobriety. I was really grumpy.

And then… Vivian got grumpy too.

Ugh, it was awful. When I’m in a grumpy mood, it’s tolerable, but when it’s the both of us in a bad mood, I feel so bad for my Mum. I really tried to keep it together and I knew that if I said something about how I was really feeling, we would have gone straight home with an awkwardly silent car ride on the way followed by a lecture from Mum about how it’s so hard to be around Viv and I, which I get. I just want a friggin day where I’m not needed, I don’t have to go anywhere or do anything, where I can make my decisions in my own time.

Tomorrow is Viv’s birthday. She’s very excited about it and I’m really trying to be happy. I should be, why not? I don’t want to be like how Mum used to be, destroying every holiday with an emotional meltdown. After I drop her off at school tomorrow morning, I’ll have some me time. It feels selfish needing this me time, but I need it. Like, really badly.