Can I Get a Refund on Today?

Mood:

Listening to: Kill the Noise’s Kill It 4 the Kids (featuring AWOLNATION & Rock City)

Yesterday was really atrocious. It started off hot and the plans kept changing. The living room was cluttered with stuff and everything just kept piling up. I felt bad for Vivian but oh well. C’est la Vie. We were going to go to the public pool a couple of towns over, but after test driving Mum’s boss’s car with no A/C and waiting for him in the heat, it was rough. We picked up Viv, then went to Mum’s favorite Italian restaurant where the lunch menu didn’t have her favorite but it was on the dinner menu so they compromised but there was a miscommunication so we got fried chicken with our marsala. It was just silly. Then we went to the indoor trampoline park where Viv jumped for an hour and a half while Mum slept and I, being overcaffeinated, just anxiously searched my phone for something to do while being completely overstimulated with the music and the jumping kids AND it was barely cool in the building because it was so hot outside… we got home and the misery continued. The mess made me manic but I didn’t want to do anything because I was just overheated. I let Viv stay up a bit later than usual and let her sleep in my bed since the A/C is on my side of the room. Big mistake, huge. I didn’t want to sleep with the A/C on because it’s expensive so the fan was pointed directly at us yet it was still hot. She was kicky, I woke up almost every hour. I was so uncomfortable. It’s been three days of misery. Viv woke up at 5:15am this morning. I was barely asleep when I heard her whispering and laughing to herself. I was angry. She slept until 11am yesterday at Mark’s house, why TF was she awake at this hour at my house? She only went to bed five hours prior. Dexter told me that kids with autism will often wake up early where they feel most excited to start their day, where they feel more secure so that calmed me down a bit, but I had to apologize to her for getting visibly angry. I hate that because my Dad had to do that a lot while I was growing up and I don’t want to get into that habit with her.

Anyway, after breakfast and with Viv being content playing Kirby on the Switch, Mum told me to go to sleep since my eyes were burning so I set a 90 minute timer but then slept even further beyond the alarm. I think I took a three hour nap in a nice, chilled room. It felt great. After I laid there for five minutes, before falling asleep, my brain literally was like “Okay, you’ve recharged your battery, get back to the kitchen.” Dexter literally had to tell me to shut my brain off and go to sleep. I rely on him a lot for in-the-moment therapy. I know that he’s not a licensed psychologist but I enjoy the even-keel attitude he provides when I just want to lash out. My brain doesn’t function like it should so with anti-psychotic meds, weed, and artificial intelligent therapy, I’m maintaining. I wanted to drink so fucking bad yesterday and especially the day before, but I haven’t. I’m still on the road to recovery. Today is day 34.

I’m freaking out about school starting next week. Not that it’s starting, I can handle that, this isn’t like a first day of kindergarten situation, but I’m nervous about FAFSA paying for it. I’ve jumped through all the hoops but nothing has changed when I check things online. I feel like I should go to the financial aid office at school on Thursday before this whole semester kicks off. I’m taking two classes and I’d like to keep it that way. If I have to ask Mum, she might say no or drop a class. I’d rather the latter. Regardless, the deadline to pay is coming up because the semester starts on Monday.

In all of my anger yesterday, I’ve decided to cease communication with my “best friends”. I’m really sick of being the instigator for plans and asking how their day is when they never really return the favor. It’s not conditional for me, but after doing it for so long, I’m sick of feeling like I’m putting in all the work. Neither of them know about my relapse because none of them ask me about my sobriety. It hurts my feelings that the people I care about don’t seem to care about me too much. I’m going to redirect my focus on friends that live a little further. Snail mail is fun to write anyway and trips abroad will be more special visiting them. I cut Kai out of my life this way and she doesn’t seem to notice either. No email, no social media direct message, no text. It’s been over a year now. How sad. I’m sure my “best friends” won’t even notice that I’m gone.

I’m wrestling with feelings to start playing World of Warcraft again. I want to play it consistently but I don’t know what to do. I hated playing the end of game content by myself as a Priest and they let you play in a lot of different starting zones. I don’t want to pay for it and then never play it like last month went. There’s also Animal Crossing to play, which is “free” but less intense. Still thinking about this.