Not My Day

Mood:

Listening to: Knife Party’s Destroy Them With Lazers

What a stupid day. So the camping trip, the one that I’ve spent lots of time and money on, has officially been canceled. The family dog isn’t doing well. He’s having problems with his back legs and Mark’s siblings that live in fucking town are too selfish to come over every day and help out while the family goes camping. Oh well. I was literally shopping for things when I got the text. So I decided to romanticize my afternoon by going to the beach, actually touch the fucking water. I tell Mum… big mistake. She said that she did the same thing once and didn’t enjoy herself so her opinion completely changed my plans. I asked my besties if they were around to do anything, of course they’re busy, they’ve got their own lives going on. I compromised and decided to go to the river about twenty minutes away. The parking situation was meh, luckily I found a spot facing the water. When I got out to find a spot to lay my towel down near the water, no such luck. This family pitched their canopy and claimed a huge spot, the one I had in mind, so I just turned around and went back to the car. Then I decided to go back to my original plan and head to the beach. When I turned my car on, it screeched and hollered, then I lost the cool sensation from my air conditioning unit. So after that bullshit, I just came home. I’m so fucking angry. I took the day off of work and apparently I shouldn’t have. I don’t know what to do with myself and I’m afraid that if I make any plans, Mum will just come through with her fucking wrecking ball.

There’s so much wrong with my car, it’s just one fucking thing after another. So let’s see: The headlights don’t work, the tires keep seeping air out, I have an oil leak from the top and the bottom, my A/C doesn’t work anymore, the radiator needs servicing, the chamber that holds my battery is shaky, no radio, no FOB, no security system… I’ve had this car for six years and I’m just so done with it. There hasn’t been enough time at my job to consider shopping for a used car, sales-people usually like to see longevity there so they know you can routinely make the payments. I’d pick up another day at work to pay for a newer used car. Something, literally, from this century.

Ugh, it’s so fucking hot. I was hoping to escape the heat with camping and then the beach. This is the ultimate challenge for my sobriety. I know Mum has rum in her room, she was drunk last night. We’ve got two A/C units sitting in the living room that I don’t know how to set up, but she does and who knows when she’ll hook them up.

Earlier, I was at Walmart, shopping for shit for this fucking camping trip and I remember being cast as the Nurse in Romeo and Juliet when I was in high school. The Nurse had to dote on Juliet and treat her as though she was her baby. The actress that played Juliet had to show me how to be a loving Mom by petting my hair and looking at me lovingly and hugging me. It made me think about where my Mom was when I was being shown how to be a “sweet” mother. She was in prison because she refused to do rehab and needed to come off as “hard” to, I don’t know, the public? I’m just so angry today and I don’t have a target. Usually, I’d drown myself in whiskey, it’s only been thirty-two days… plus seven months minus four days. The math is so complicated. I should just forget about my original sobriety date and continue to idolize my new date.