Course of the Day

Mood:

Listening to: Bloodhound Gang’s Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

I woke up early this morning. Like, too early for a day off but oh well. Vivian slept in my bed and didn’t punch or kick me. It was actually a good night’s sleep.

It finally happened yesterday. After the countless times I had heard my Mum having sex with her partners, I’m pretty sure Viv heard Mark and I doing it. After everything was over, she burst into his room, shouting “what’s happening here?” Mark was quick with the distraction but she saw my naked butt while I covered my front and I heard her laughing once the door was closed. Oh well. It could have been way, way worse, like it was for me.

Tonight has been rough. What am I saying, the DAY has been rough since the silent treatment yesterday. Mum had tried to be nice all day, at the fountains, at the indoor amusement park, and I obliged but with hesitancy. I told her I had to run an errand and she COMPLETELY changed the entire course of my day with going here and there. It was surprising. Tonight though, she gaslit me into thinking that she DIDN’T give me the silent treatment yesterday, ruining my whole night, like I didn’t sit there in the fucking dark after she turned the hall light off while knowing I’m home with my door open. For 10 whole minutes I sat there before realizing that she doesn’t have total control over me and then promptly leaving to get something to eat. After I expressed my anger about last night and she said it wasn’t true, she called me a “fucking bitch” and fled to the bathroom to take a shower. In that moment, I decided to leave because this was just going to get worse. She had made a really nice shredded BBQ chicken sandwich dinner and I was fucking starving but then she fucked it up by gaslighting me, not even listening. She was angry that I left, saying that I didn’t need to do that, but I don’t care. It’s more peaceful at Mark’s anyway. I hate being cut off from my computer and such. I think it was the money talk we had that pissed her off the most. I told her how much money I had borrowed, how much I had given her, how much I wasn’t sure of that I owed for our two recent vacations. I tried to be pleasant about it by saying that I only have this much left. If I give it all to her, I’ll have to borrow more. She didn’t understand. She saw it as me skiving off on my responsibilities HOWEVER I don’t know the true amount that’s owed because of credit cards and the interest paid. It’s confusing.

I logged into my benefits site yesterday after receiving a few texts from them and saw a letter stating how much I’d receive after updating them on how much I make at my job working a measly three days a week. After doing so, I’ve lost food stamps so now ”it’s on” to get the fuck back to work. I updated my availability before seeing this notice so I’m looking forward to working more and having my money be my money. That was something that pissed off Mum the most. Hearing that she wasn’t this massive cash cow for me anymore and how I only owed her so much, in fact I’ve over paid by a bit. I seriously was NOT trying to be a bitch about it, but of course she took it completely the wrong way. It breaks my heart how many times I’ve had to tell my autistic daughter why we’re staying at her Dad’s house tonight instead of my house. It makes me seem so unstable. I fucking hate it. It’s more motivation to pay back my debt, improve my credit score so I can be trusted with an apartment and a fucking car loan without someone else saying it’s okay. Being so irresponsible in my past has robbed me of independence in the future. I hate that.