Angry & Lazy

Mood:

Listening to: Orgy’s Blue Monday

I’m so angry right now. I woke up angry. Before I left for work yesterday, Mum and I briefly discussed what was for dinner. I pulled out some buns from the freezer and she mentioned chicken that we could put in the crockpot with some BBQ sauce. I agreed, this was a good idea. Fast forward a few hours later, she comes home on her break and is furious that the kitchen isn’t clean. The dishes in the dishwasher are clean but the disgusting counters are off-putting. Mind you, she was the last person to cook in the kitchen. So she texts me her frustration, why didn’t I offer to put the chicken in the crockpot, why is the kitchen still a mess, the cats had no food, I’m on my own for dinner… in the moment, yesterday, when I read the texts, I felt really bad. Guilty, even. Her tricks had worked. I told myself that I would clean when I got home. Work was a bear, I’ll talk more later, so when I got home, the lights were off, she was in her room, she didn’t say a word to me. She was literally treating me like shit for not cleaning the kitchen. The kitchen that she completely disrespects while cooking. How many fucking times have I told her to clean as she went? Good chefs clean as they go, to keep a tidy work station and also so it’s not so fucking miserable to clean in the end, why can’t she do the same? I’m not allowed to complain though, she makes the majority of the meals. So I quietly but angrily cleaned the kitchen, debating whether or not I should throw away the fucking sticker from the fruit for the 4387565354768th time because she can’t move three fucking feet to throw it away her damn self. I’m so annoyed. I’m annoyed that she gets to give the silent treatment for doing something like that whereas if the tables were turned, I would be understanding and not a total bitch about it, probably take the initiative and clean it myself. She took this to another level, like she often does. I’m so sick of her emotional roller coaster and I wish she’d get some fucking mental help but she doesn’t trust big pharma so whatever. The person around her just has to deal with it. When Dad and I talk about her being “unstable”, we’re referring to mentally, not her physical location or job and I wish she knew that. I wish she would shut the fuck up about wanting to go to real estate school and just do it already. She pushed me through it and I couldn’t do it so maybe that’s what’s stopping her, I don’t know. Anyway, I’m going off topic. I don’t even want to bring Viv home tonight, honestly. I’d like to stay at Mark’s but I’m mad at him, more on that later.

I didn’t feel like cleaning when I got home because work was long and arduous. It was a pairings dinner outside in the courtyard that I wore smart shoes to this time instead of Uggs. I noticed that I was the floater again and even went to message the assistant in charge of the event asking if I’m in trouble, but I couldn’t, he has messages disabled. Anyway, I get there, a lead mistakes me for the production team and takes me downstairs where there’s nothing to do, then we got upstairs, she learns her mistake, and abandons me so I just went to the courtyard where the dinner was actually taking place. We set up tables, battled wind and folded napkins, filled water glasses, got our steps in for sure. It’s fun to watch the teams rehearse their moves and plating arrangements. There was so much debating going on between the groups how it should look, there were entirely too many “chefs in the kitchen”, but I enjoyed absorbing and quietly forming my own opinion. Come to find out, the hospitality team liked me as a floater because I was so helpful last time so that made me feel better. The founder of the vineyard was eating at the dinner, I even got to touch his shoulder and take his plate. It was neat. At the end of the night, after gathering tons of wine orders together, we realized that the previous team didn’t set us up for success for the following day and made our jobs harder in every way possible so that sucked. I think I was there until a little after 10pm. It sucked coming home to an absolute Drama Queen.

I’m so screwed when it comes to a car and after talking with someone who does sub-par loans to absolute losers like meself, I’d still need a co-signer with a decent credit score to help out. With me being so angry right now, I don’t want to ask Mum and I certainly can’t ask Dad. I’m just so thankful every time my car starts. There’s no fixing it at this time, just fill with gas and change the oil, that’s all I can do until I replace it.

I’m also annoyed at Mark. I know I said that I wouldn’t focus so much on getting texts and that? Since “merging” together, I don’t hear from him at all, just like before when we weren’t together. I asked at 10:30pm “You up?” and no response. It’s almost 10am now and still no response. Highly unlikely for him and Vivian to be asleep for that long, just saying. So with Mark being a dick and Mum being the way she is, I’m left with no one to talk to. I guess I’ll just keep my head down and work. I picked up Thursdays by changing my availability and even told Mum. I don’t care how she feels, I need money to dig myself out of this hole where I can’t even get a sub-par loan with a shitty interest rate, I mean come on. In her drunken ramblings the other day, she finally said that she doesn’t want me to give her money anymore because “it’s not working”. She was hoping that I’d give her large amounts of money so she can pay off her credit card debt that I’ve somehow become responsible for also, but then I’ll ask for money between pay days because I’ve given it all to her… it just doesn’t seem to be adding up. She said it was because she’s using that money so we don’t have to live so boring. By that she means, going out to eat, etc. After doing the maths, I’ve overpaid her by about $200, but there’s vacation costs and other things I’m not thinking of that she’s including, so it’s just really messy. But I want to stop and start having my money for myself instead of giving it all to her. I don’t have pay-day advances anymore so I don’t need financial assistance in that way anymore. I was wondering when this was going to end.     

I had Taco Bell twice yesterday. Just thinking about that makes me want to throw up.