Relapsing & CKY

Mood:

Listening to: Metallica’s For Whom The Bell Tolls

I slept at Mark’s house last night and Mum, knowing what I was doing, decided not to talk to me all day. It’s such bullshit. It’s not my fault that I have people in my life and people that actually want to be in my life. I feel bad but it is what it is. We watched half a Godzilla movie last night. I was given a synopsis of the first half but didn’t really pay attention. I was just happy to spend time with my man and our daughter, which is completely healthy, Mother. Anyway, Vivian was put to bed and since I had taken an everything shower, I was eaten out, probably the best it’s ever been. He’s so amazing at it. You can tell he has a passion for it, it’s not just bullshit we’ve all seen in porn. After climaxing thrice, he decided it was his turn and after applying a prophylactic, he literally used his muscles, pulled me forward by my hips (hottest thing I’ve ever experienced) and had his way with me. I love that our sessions don’t take hours, like previous partners. He was so turned on by me getting off and having my feet wrapped around his head, he got off quickly. He usually does and to be honest, I’m flattered given he’s had a lap dance (and probably more) in the Orient. I’m sorry to be graphic, he’s just so amazing. It’s awesome to have such meaningful sex with someone who means something to me. We’ve been doing this dance for over ten years. I remember when we were first dating, holding off having sex for the first week, claiming to be a good girl, then unleashing my sexual prowess on him after not being able to take it anymore. It literally took a week. I remember every moment, in that blue-painted room, it was so cheeky. He was so gentle but firm, just like now. I love the way he is, sexually: no creepy fantasies, no cross-dressing or cock-cages, no forceful gestures. Looking back, I’ve been sexually assaulted by a partner and that was such a terrible experience. I love that Mark is so different in a good way.

Anyway! Work was great yesterday! I was in the special owner’s room by myself. I was constantly doing something so time really went by quickly. I had a shiftie after work, I’m ashamed to admit but it tastes so good in the moment. I’m really going off the bandwagon with this relapse. It’s embarrassing. I hope I can continue to conceal it from my loved ones until I can get it it together. It all started when I didn’t have to give all of my money to Mum so it starts with me. I have to make the conscious decision not to because I have money and the store is open. It’s such bullshit, this addiction. Amber finally asked about it and I had to tell her about my relapse. She mentioned how she was nervous about me moving back into Mum’s since Mum hasn’t decided to stop drinking. I tried to explain to her the confusing back and forth that Mum and I experience and I think she understood. It’s hard to understand because there’s so many facets. In the end, my sobriety can’t dictate what Mum does because she’s a grown-ass adult and so am I.

Probably mentioned this before, but I first heard Rammstein through Bam Margera’s CkY2Y. My friends and I were obsessed with this video (a literal VHS) and I loved it (Du Hast) because the beat was contagious and it was sung in German, which is my most celebrated nationality given that I’m American and have three other nationalities to choose from. Anywheezie, Rammstein is so much more than Du Hast. They have an amazing discography but you really have to get over them singing in German. Personally, I don’t mind. I love learning the lyrics and their translation. I love their music videos, I own all of them on DVD.