Megan’s Paper Trail

Sleepovers & YouTube

July 30, 2026

Mood:

Listening to : Inglorious Basterds

Wow, this month really flew by. I’m excited to sleep at my boyfriend’s house tonight. I even informed Mum and she had nothing to say other than “okay”. It’s 2026, this is the only time he and I have for one another. I packed my bag and my toiletries because I plan on showering after work. I also plan on getting some bookie when it’s bedtime but who knows when he goes to bed. He’s a night owl and I have those tendencies too, but I try to keep a normal schedule for Vivian and for work.

I’ve been bitten HARD by the YouTube bug. I love watching commentary videos and other videos about my habits. I want to BE a YouTuber but feel SO juvenile claiming that. Also, wtf would I talk about? I’m a mom, I’m a millennial, I have limited editing skills.
Relationship Static

July 29, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: System of a Down’s Aerials

Vivian had a playdate with Amber’s son at the indoor amusement park. It was nice catching up with Amber, but I noticed that Viv likes to “parallel play”. She’ll play alongside others but most keep to herself. I was the same way after I moved in with Dad. Imagine: you’re in third grade. You’re popular, people like you, you have friends, then you come home after a day of school to find all of your belongings packed into boxes and bags. You’re told you’re going to live with your Dad in another town and attend a new school. Pretty devastating, right? I didn’t really recover. My first friend didn’t come until 7th grade, a few years later. I was the girl who had fun sleepovers, with the Mom that did the fun crafts. That all was upended that day I came home. In my adulthood, Mum would tell me everything was supposed to be temporary but things didn’t turn out that way. I have no comment on the situation given that I was directly involved. Dad’s was more stable for me at that time and that’s okay. People make mistakes, I don’t fault her for that anymore. I will, however, rant about my childhood because it was not easy or nurturing. Anyway! Viv had a good time, I had a good time.

I was so angry with Mark. For like, two days. I finally broke the silence, asking if I did something wrong, knowing full-well I have done nothing wrong. He didn’t know how tightly wound I was so he was waiting for a response from me. Totally the opposite reaction I was hoping for but whatever. I said I didn’t know that. We moved on. I asked about his favorite anime, hoping to glean a character that I could dress up as to turn him on. To paraphrase, he said he didn’t need that. It didn’t take much to turn him on, but if I want to dress up for me to feel sexy, that’s fine. I said that I just wanted to be his fantasy. His literal choice of words: “What if you already are?” I about melted. This mother fucker. I told him that I was flattered and that was it. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it however I was completely elated. He can be such a prick and then say the most flattering thing… I don’t understand. I’m sleeping over at his house tomorrow night and I’ve got some really cute pajamas. He won’t give a fuck about them but I know they’re cute.
When Quiet Gets Loud

July 26, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Mindless Self Indulgence’s Bitches

Work went by really fast. And when I wasn’t serving people, I was worrying about my relationship with Mark. He hasn’t texted me all day and it bothered me. Like, to the point of tears. Then, after work, I went to pick up Vivian and everything was fine. I was very short, like my hair which he didn’t really have anything to say about except that I look good with shorter hair (riiiight) and he said it in front of his mama instead of just me so it’s basically bullshit in my opinion. I told him twice that I had transformed my hair and he never asked for a picture or what I did. I wish he would tell me that I’m pretty, like some validation after not having any for so long. His opinion is important to me and his silence really makes me angry. I haven’t texted him and don’t intend on doing so until he does first. And I know that sounds childish but imagine you’re the person who’s always (and I do mean always) starting the conversation and getting absolutely no back and forth. Imagine the other person is sharing what they like to do and you’re interested and asking questions, then the tables are turned and the other person could give a shit less, changes the subject or in fact goes silent. It’s infuriating. But when I have a problem, he’s right there with a solution, even if it’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard. Ugh, sorry. I’m just angry and hungry. I’m angry with him and angry that there’s a 90% chance that Mum’s had a drink if it’s not morning or time for work. I just want to eat and go to sleep. I don’t want to pretend to be happy anymore or smile for others and put on a brave face. Today has been emotionally tough for me with this whole Mark situation. I thought things would be different now that we’re “together” but it’s not. It’s actually worse. There’s even less communication now and I fucking hate that. I kept checking my phone ALL day like a jackass, hoping for even a “sup” text. I feel like such an idiot for wanting this. He didn’t even get me anything for my birthday. The horrendous trip was the gift (I assume) and that makes me want to cry. Not even a dinner, with just the two of us, or flowers the day of. Who the fuck did I think I was getting in to a relationship with? A thoughtful, talkative person who encourages me to be better and tells me that I’m pretty? That’s what I wanted. He is not that. He once was, but something happened and he lost that capability.
Birthday Transformation

July 24, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Rammstein’s Sonne

Man, yesterday was rough. That whole trip was rough! I honestly feel different after going through so much. It’s like, character development. So… we packed up and left the cabin around 9-9:30pm. Mark headed east to avoid the way we came (forest fires that seemed okay to pass through when we arrived but whatever) and twisty, turney roads up a treacherous mountain (Jackie got sick when we drove it the previous day). So east we went. For a whole hour. We finally reached some kind of civilization and ended up about 8 minutes from the Idaho border. We certainly were in East Oregon. We gassed up and headed North for an interstate to take us even further into civilization. By the time we reached it, it was about midnight but we literally drove into a new time zone (Mountain) so keeping track of time was confusing. I was just focusing on the GPS and how much we had left. It seemed to be 6-8 hours forever. Once we got to the interstate, I felt better about sleeping but couldn’t. I nodded out a few times but kept awake for Mark. Poor girls, they were crammed in the back and didn’t fall asleep until it was like 1am. Anyway, we got home around 7am. He went right to sleep, rightfully so, and I was wide awake. I was on a mission. My vape ran out of juice on the way home so I was jonesing for a puff. I didn’t have any cash, I gave it all to Mark and felt bad asking for it back. I checked my car, no recycling, however, in their garage, there was two bags. Checkmate. I had half a bag in my car too. I headed to the recycling plant in Mark’s side of town. When I noticed that at 8am, the line was around the building. Fuck that. I ended up going downtown where I stood in line for only fifteen minutes. Then I found out my favorite dispensary on his side of town wasn’t open so I had to go somewhere else. Somewhere new, it was an okay place. I got back to his house smoked, finally feeling like I could relax.

Looking back, this whole adventure was character building. When times get tough, I’ll just think of that cabin in the middle of the wilderness/desert. I’m so happy to be home. Today was my birthday! Mum made an appointment for me to have my hair “transformed” so that went well. I’m sporting a shorter hairstyle. I told the stylist that I wanted a collar-bone length shag, but she did her thing and that’s what I wanted. I’ve got feathered bangs and shorter hair. Definitely won’t have to wear it up at work. Then we went to the Outback for lunch and got completely stuffed which ruined our next plans which were going to a craft shop and paint stuff. We headed home instead. It’s cool here. I played some World of Warcraft, more than usual. I usually just do some daily stuff, but I’m running dungeons again, “time-walking” dungeons, so it’s also a trip down memory lane going through all of these dungeons that I completed over and over again like fifteen years ago. I’m not a healer, so I’m enjoying the experience rather than white-knuckling through having to heal everyone and possibly be booted if I let someone die. Anyway, we might go to see The Odyssey in theaters and I’m fully aware that it won’t be very good. It’s not getting good reviews, but it’s only been a week since it’s reached theaters.

My room is a mess, there’s laundry to do, new bedsheets to apply. I left crucial parts of my bedding in Mark’s car. He’s going to clear it out so I’ll get it back Sunday, but still. It’s my stuff. I paid my storage bill today; it went up since the last time I paid it and I really hate that considering I went through fiery hoops four months ago to save myself some money and now it’s like all of that is moot. Screw the storage unit industry. They’re absolute vultures.
Cabining Trip, Day Two

July 22, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Led Zeppelin’s Lemon Song

Day two of cabining. It’s been much more relaxed. We’ve played games inside to avoid the heat. I feel bad, Vivian has been attached to the Switch. There’s been a debate this whole time whether or not I should have brought it with me but oh well. A six hour car road with nothing to do except stare out the window and listen to whatever the parents decide to listen to was not the journey I imagined for her. Anyway, my stomach has been upset all day. I woke up around 2:30am and couldn’t make it to the bathroom. I didn’t have toilet paper because I thought I would make it but I didn’t. We’ve decided to leave but later this evening which is a really dumb idea but oh well. I’m really trying to keep my opinions to myself. I don’t think a lot of thought was put into this but it’s hard to be the sole person planning something for four people. It’s been an adventure, that’s all I’ll say but I’m also very glad to be sleeping on a legitimate mattress tonight. Also I’m out of vape juice and I have a burned joint as his house that’s calling my name. Anyway. I took a nap to escape the heat, but really, was tired because I hadn’t had my daily dose of power drink.

Brought a book. Didn’t read it. I even got it from the public library instead of my personal library. What is wrong with me?

So after playing games, Mark decided to take us out for dinner since it would be less of a hassle and he needed gas for the car so we loaded up, drove an hour through twisty mountain roads to a more populated area where we filled up our gas tank and filled our bellies with Arby’s. I’ve had Arby’s a handful of times in my life, mostly out of desperation. It’s not my scene, but oh well. Then to avoid the same road back, we drove half an hour west before heading south then back east again. I’m exhausted… The heat, the traveling, the lack of comfort. I’m not used to it, call me spoiled. We got back to the cabin, packed up, and left about 9pm. Driving off into the darkness…

Pros of this vacation: spending time with Mark, Vivian, and Jackie. Beautiful sights. Quaint cabin.

Next vacation will be spent at home, in the A/C, napping and doom-scrolling.
Cabining Trip

July 21, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Pantera’s Walk

Sunday night was rough. Work eventually finished, hassle after hassle, but then I had to stop by a dispensary for Mum on my way home to get a few things I forgot for the trip. Even though I wanted to just get the night over with, she had some chili dogs waiting, so how could I say no? I ate, gathered my things, said my goodbyes, and headed for Mark’s house. I was exhausted but so happy to see Vivian. Before I had gotten there, Mark was telling me there’s a possibility that we might have to take two cars and that we might have to consolidate everyone’s clothes into one suitcase. It was unnerving not knowing what the actual plan was, it added to the stress. I helped as much as I could before pooping out. I took a shower, finished a couple tasks, then laid in bed where I’m pretty my eyes shut right away. I was out “like a light”.

Yesterday was fun but challenging. In the end, we decided to take one car (his black hatchback) and that we were going to have put everyone’s clothing in one mega suitcase he whipped out. We finished packing, crammed everything in the car including the children (Jackie and Vivian), and hit the road around 11:30am. We got Wendy’s on the way, it was so glorious. It was a six hour drive so we stopped every couple of hours for bathrooms and stretching. It took forever to get the camp ground but it was a really nice road trip despite the lack of leg room. We talked, listened to music, there were minimal snacks though.

The cabin was quaint. A basic little house with a futon couch, couple of tables, four chairs, and a bunk bed. After my first nights sleep, I learned that these cabins were provided/manufactured by the same company that builds the jail bedroom setups. It was reminiscent for me of my two day stint in jail. Anyway! There is no bathroom or kitchen, so Mark brought a little propane set up to cook with. For bathrooms… there’s two and the nearest one is a quarter mile from the cabin through a field of crunchy, dead grass. This does not bode well for me in the mornings when I have basically a poo explosion first thing around 5am and then farty aftershocks for the next few hours that require more toilet time. It was rough this morning but I managed. Like clockwork, I was up at 5am. So was Mark, he had a cluster headache. After watching him through fingers on my face inject himself with headache medicine, I went back to sleep.

At the end of last night, we tried playing games at the table but the midges from the lake overtook the cabin. We had the light on and apparently they love that. Vivian was irrationally afraid, I was tired and hot and overstimulated, I excused myself to cry outside but kept it together when I went back in. Mark could tell I was upset but I smiled through. Vivian was so gassy she slept was Mark instead of me, it was kind of funny. This is our first trip as a couple again and I don’t want to complain but I don’t think this is a fun trip. I have ZERO cell service and it’s hot. And Vivian updates us on how she’s doing every five minutes. “I’m hot, I’m tired, can we go?” Also, this is my legitimate day two with no alcohol so there’s that to contend with. When loading the car, one of my essential bags had to be put up front of me, leaving very little room for my legs. He said we might have to leave it behind. I about had a meltdown when he said that however I did mention how I knew he was trying very hard and doing everything he could. It was just tough to deal with but we made it work. It sucked being so weak.

But yeah. It’s hot. The sun is definitely shining through the smoky haze. On our way here, we discovered that we were driving near the biggest wildfire in America right now. So that’s fun.
High Anxiety

July 19, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: The Eagles’ Lyin’ Eyes

I don’t want to be at work. I hate this feeling and I don’t want to be at work. I got up early, like I usually do these days, and thought to myself ‘maybe Mum’s left some rum under the kitchen sink.’ And sure enough, there it was. First thing on my stomach: rum and energy drink. It felt great… for about ten minutes, then the feeling wore off, then I drank more, then I felt lazy. Then I had to eat but there was nothing for me, so I got McDonald’s. I still had to pack for a three day trip, get ready for work, and pick up a coworker, all by 11am. It was nearing 9:30am and I finally got my ass moving. I managed to pack a small suitcase, two shopping bags, and an overnight bag; I really tried not to overpack. I forgot my favorite energy drinks and the Nintendo, but oh well, I guess. Because I drank first thing, now my body’s done for the day, only I have a whole shift to get through. It’s maddening. Why am I like this?!
Playing Hooky

July 18, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Korn’s Coming Undone

Am I an ungrateful bitch? I’m asking because both of the birthday gifts that I received from my best friends were crafts, which I guess is fine but they’re like really intricate crafts. Like LEGO puzzles and quilling. No thanks. Both of them. Both of the people who should know me best got me something to put together, which I absolutely hate. I’m so disappointed, I could cry. Not because I didn’t get anything cute or fun but because they should know better, knowing me. Oh well. I give gift cards to their favorite shops so what the fuck am I complaining about? Note to self: don’t think/try so fucking hard in the future. Plus when I’m around Amber or in her house, I get so envious of what she has. I wish I was as put together as she is, with a car from this century and a house with a yard and a man in her bed. Fuck, I hate what I’ve done with my life.

I received my birthday gift while caring for Amber’s dog while she’s away on a day trip. I have a feeling this might be a test, to see if I can be trusted in her house, alone with her booze. There’s cameras all over the place so I’m sure she saw my every move. I’m not even looking quite frankly because I bought some on the way there. I’m not sure when I slipped off my sobriety train but it’s been a few days. Lately, I’m filled with so much anxiety and dread because of it and lack of my meds AND my Aunt Flo coming to town. I decided to call off work, I just couldn’t pretend to be happy all damn day while working in the sun. I texted my boss and put a message in our group chat for coverage. Hopefully I don’t get in trouble. Anyway, I took the day for myself and it was kind of miserable. My first stop was the library. It was nice going through my favorite sections without a little girl asking me when we were leaving. I found cookbooks and books to take with me while cabining next week. I found a quiet spot to sit by the conference rooms and meant to crack open my books but was distracted by the YouTube. I was there for about two hours before being hassled by some Africans multiple times to join their free financial aid seminar happening shortly. It was very annoying so I checked out too many books and left. I was extremely paranoid about running into Mum while driving downtown, my car is very noticeable. I fled to the city center and had some orange chicken. I was there for about two hours before realizing I was the only patron left after their mini late lunch rush. Then I sat in my car for a while, in the heat. I applied my makeup in case I ran into Mum (no make up would have been a dead give away) then headed for the house but saw she was still home on her lunch break so I went to Vivian’s church down the street where I watched some Intervention on my phone to kill time. It was so hot, even in the shade. After two more hours, when I knew it was safe to go home, I did. I stripped off my work gear, my boots, my bra, and stood naked in front of the A/C. It was glorious. In the span of seven hours, I had drank a pint of whiskey and was feeling really tired, groggy, and ashamed. Why do I keep doing this? I didn’t even enjoy my “day off”. I avoided my house so as not to raise Mum’s suspicions and in turn, had a miserable, hot day in the car instead. I have to stop drinking. Period. I have Mark back on my side, things with Mum are so much nicer when she knows I’m sober, I feel better when I’m sober, I can’t fuck this up again… So why did I do this to myself!? A problem from a few days ago caused me to drink and now those repercussions are still biting me in the ass. To avoid the charges showing up on my bank statement, I’ve been using my credit card and saving receipts, which is just awful. I’m an awful human being.

I’ll pretty much be on my period the entire time we’re cabining which fucking sucks but what am I supposed to do about that? Not a bloody thing (pardon the pun). It’s legitimately happening this time. We’re driving six hours away on Monday so I have to pack tonight and I’m completely not in the mood.
First Time Train Ride

July 17, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Bhad Bhabie’s YAMS

It’s been a few days since my last update. The drama between Mum and I eventually calmed down, as it tends to do. We apologized to each other and understood that we were both being too “girly”, taking things too personal. Tbh, I was just sick of being the “bigger man” and not taking offense to her bullshit behavior, but whatever. The arguing has ceased, for now.

Mark, Jackie, Vivian, and I went on a train ride through the forest on Wednesday. It was my first time being on a train (in this country, I’ve been on the Metro in Paris). We arrived at an actual train station, sat in a railroad car at a table, with air conditioning, it was glorious. The train went a slow-medium pace which was great for pictures. We arrived at a fruit company in the middle of nowhere where Mark had ordered us lunch. We took pictures of Mt. Adams and Mt. Hood. It was a great afternoon. Driving two hours each way just to take an hour round trip train wasn’t the best idea, but it’s proof that Mark is trying. And it was a new experience for my book. We got to bond as a family.

I picked up a shift the following day for a co-worker who wasn’t feeling good. This was not a good idea. I was totally not prepared for the week. Vivian witnessed me have a meltdown over not being able to find a certain a friggin’ outfit and I hate that. Work was busy for a Thursday, Busy for me anyway. I was in the special owner’s room with tons of reservations, I wasn’t expecting that. I had a problem table that literally almost brought me to tears but thankfully a manager stepped in to remedy the situation. The previous day, I had told Mark that I would come by after work to watch a Monster movie with him and Vivian, but after the shift being the way it was and the morning that I had, I just needed time to decompress and prepare for the work week.

Currently my room is still a mess. I got home last night to a wonderful dinner prepared by Mum. Fried chicken, fried zucchini, and macaroni salad. We watched The Great British Baking Show during dinner and she got a hankering for dessert. Meanwhile, I was so stuffed full, it was glorious. She asked if I needed anything from the store because she was gonna make pudding and whipped cream so I gave her a short list of things I needed to take for lunch at work. While she was at the store, I got so sleepy. I fell asleep at my desk before crawling into bed. This made her mad. She was under the impression that I also wanted dessert. I was rude for going to bed. Anyway, this morning things are fine. She understood but I still apologized for being rude. Ugh, my room. It’s still so awful! Everything is everywhere and there’s just no order.

You know how sometimes you can remember birthdays of people that have become moot or insignificant in your life? Well, today is Adam’s birthday. Ugh, prick.
Course of the Day

July 13, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Bloodhound Gang’s Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

I woke up early this morning. Like, too early for a day off but oh well. Vivian slept in my bed and didn’t punch or kick me. It was actually a good night’s sleep.

It finally happened yesterday. After the countless times I had heard my Mum having sex with her partners, I’m pretty sure Viv heard Mark and I doing it. After everything was over, she burst into his room, shouting “what’s happening here?” Mark was quick with the distraction but she saw my naked butt while I covered my front and I heard her laughing once the door was closed. Oh well. It could have been way, way worse, like it was for me.

Tonight has been rough. What am I saying, the DAY has been rough since the silent treatment yesterday. Mum had tried to be nice all day, at the fountains, at the indoor amusement park, and I obliged but with hesitancy. I told her I had to run an errand and she COMPLETELY changed the entire course of my day with going here and there. It was surprising. Tonight though, she gaslit me into thinking that she DIDN’T give me the silent treatment yesterday, ruining my whole night, like I didn’t sit there in the fucking dark after she turned the hall light off while knowing I’m home with my door open. For 10 whole minutes I sat there before realizing that she doesn’t have total control over me and then promptly leaving to get something to eat. After I expressed my anger about last night and she said it wasn’t true, she called me a “fucking bitch” and fled to the bathroom to take a shower. In that moment, I decided to leave because this was just going to get worse. She had made a really nice shredded BBQ chicken sandwich dinner and I was fucking starving but then she fucked it up by gaslighting me, not even listening. She was angry that I left, saying that I didn’t need to do that, but I don’t care. It’s more peaceful at Mark’s anyway. I hate being cut off from my computer and such. I think it was the money talk we had that pissed her off the most. I told her how much money I had borrowed, how much I had given her, how much I wasn’t sure of that I owed for our two recent vacations. I tried to be pleasant about it by saying that I only have this much left. If I give it all to her, I’ll have to borrow more. She didn’t understand. She saw it as me skiving off on my responsibilities HOWEVER I don’t know the true amount that’s owed because of credit cards and the interest paid. It’s confusing.

I logged into my benefits site yesterday after receiving a few texts from them and saw a letter stating how much I’d receive after updating them on how much I make at my job working a measly three days a week. After doing so, I’ve lost food stamps so now ”it’s on” to get the fuck back to work. I updated my availability before seeing this notice so I’m looking forward to working more and having my money be my money. That was something that pissed off Mum the most. Hearing that she wasn’t this massive cash cow for me anymore and how I only owed her so much, in fact I’ve over paid by a bit. I seriously was NOT trying to be a bitch about it, but of course she took it completely the wrong way. It breaks my heart how many times I’ve had to tell my autistic daughter why we’re staying at her Dad’s house tonight instead of my house. It makes me seem so unstable. I fucking hate it. It’s more motivation to pay back my debt, improve my credit score so I can be trusted with an apartment and a fucking car loan without someone else saying it’s okay. Being so irresponsible in my past has robbed me of independence in the future. I hate that.