Megan’s Paper Trail

Bad Mood Vibin’

July 9, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Metallica’s Nothing Else Matters

Well, today was a ginormous waste of a day off. I assumed Mum would take Vivian to Vacation Bible School across the street and let me sleep in, but the fact that I mentioned there’s a lot of kids there, it made her nervous to take her. Anyway, Mum made Viv breakfast, I got her to VBS. I came home, drank my energy drink, updated my blog a bit, then decided to go recycling and deposit that money into my checking to cover the cost of laundry late. It’s the little things in life.

Mum had made an appointment for my car across town under the assumption that we were dropping Vivian off around 2pm, like we normally do on Thursdays, but not today. We’re keeping her so she can go to the whole week of VBS (only we missed Monday because of the zoo, oops). Anyway, We got some lunch, Mexican cuisine that I actually enjoyed, then headed to our appointment early. I told Mum that the A/C isn’t really a priority, the brakes are. So we tacked on a Brake Check which apparently added on two more hours to our diagnosis. Our original concern was just A/C that was going to take an hour and a half to diagnose. So anyway! We walked across the street and headed for the Mall, which was a mistake. Barnes & Noble was first where we could only look but not buy, so that was torture, I really love that store. Then we were going to go to the Spirit Halloween store which just opened up, but then decided to go to a movie instead, which was a relief. I don’t have money to browse with and she doesn’t have money either and I absolutely detest “window-shopping”. Anyway, a trip to the cinema was perfect for a warm summer day. Wonderful A/C, no talking to each other (AKA no arguing between my 60 year old mother and my 8 year old daughter), buttered popcorn. She dropped $50 on tickets for us to see the Minions and Monsters movie which I wasn’t really excited to see but it was our only option. It was an alright movie, Vivian loved it. Anyway, we get back to the mechanic and basically it’s $1,100 for the A/C, it’s $1,500 for the brakes, and even more money for other things they found wrong with it. So now I’m at a crossroads. I know which direction to take and I’m not about to dump a bunch of money into my car when it’s not even worth that to begin with. I need a crappy loan to get a crappy car and I’m asking the Lord to guide me to the right one.

Mum and Viv were in bad moods when we got home. I realized that Mum does a lot of things for my daughter, but she does them conditionally. She demands to be appreciated and doesn’t care about your age or your disorder. I could tell me was in a crummy mood and I was headed to the laundry mat. She told Vivian if she was a good person, she would go with me, but Viv refused so Mum made her feel guilty. I didn’t want to deal with it, being the fucking mediator between my small, autistic daughter and my sixty year-old mother who should fucking know better than to make a small child cry. She uses guilt and always has. It’s why I’m so fucked up. Maybe someone used that tactic with her in her childhood and it fucked her up because it fucked me up and now it’s spreading to Vivian. I don’t want her to be weak against my Mum. I want her to fight back because I couldn’t.

After debating whether or not I should take Viv to Mark’s house early because I had a feeling that Mum had been drinking but decided not to, I got her in the bath, yet Mum was complaining that her water was too hot and she’s using too much. It’s so fucking ridiculous. I wish she would just leave her the fuck alone. I hate how they argue like fucking siblings, it’s so annoying and sad. She’s definitely been drinking and that’s so frustrating to deal with. It makes me want to drink just to tolerate her and her behavior and she doesn’t fucking understand that. She just says that I’m weak. Today though has definitely been one of those days where I wish I didn’t live with her. She’s drunk and constantly going on about stuff that frankly, I do t want to here (I.e. how everything is so expensive, how heartless my Dad can be, etc). Part of her rant included her knowing that eventually I’m going to be in a place where I can move out and be on my own. I personally don’t think that’ll happen for a while unless I move back in with Mark but I don’t want to think like that so early in our relationship or while Mum is drunk. Fighting with her is useless.

It does get me to dreaming of my own home. A place to call my own, where I can kick out who ever I want and I don’t have to tolerate shit. All of my belongings there, Vivian with her own room, me with my own bathroom. I’d love to have a home with Mark. I know he can be a tidy individual. Anyway, plots to grow food outside, an open floor plan for the living room and kitchen. Ugh, I’m dreaming…
Just Another Chapter

July 8, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret

Not a whole lot going on. We went to the indoor amusement park where I got to filling out my notecards for work. We have so many wines, I need to know a little about each so I’m putting the same kind of information on each card about the wine, it’s body and oak content, things like that. I’m color-coordinating them as well. It’s going to be so glorious. I’ll give away my old notecards to a noob. I’m excited to work this weekend, it’s owner’s appreciation weekend so even our boss is insisting that we “give them the pickle”. I love it. I’m learning so much and don’t even drink the stuff, it’s crazy. I was scheduled to work an event on Saturday so that should be fun.

I’ve decided to put together something nice for Mark’s mother who was talking very grim on the fourth of July. Like, this is her last year, things of that nature. So I’ve reached out to each of her kids and her husband with questions and requests for pictures. Hopefully they’re generous and give time something to work with but regardless I’m going to make it look nice.

I’ve been trying to enjoy my time off. There’s a lot planned next week so I’m trying to live in the now. There’s a park meet-up with Mark and Vivian where we’re just walking through the park and talking about whatever, spending time together. Then that evening, my besties and I are getting together at a Korean restaurant downtown. Then the next day, Mark has invited me to join him, Jackie, and Vivian on a train ride through a local mountain and river. It should be fun. Then the following week, we’re going cabining in Eastern Oregon. I’m so excited. I don’t know what the sleeping arrangement will be or how we’ll cook but I’m still excited to spend time with my boyfriend. Finally! I get to say that.
A Walk on the Wild Side

July 6, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Roksonix’s Dogfight

There’s no need to tell Mum tall tales about Mark and I. I finally got up the nerve to tell him how I felt without dropping the L bomb. I believe I said something along the lines of not wanting to hide whatever we are. He replied with wanting to acknowledge my sobriety and that he “wouldn’t be opposed” to being in a relationship. Not the most romantic confession ever but it is what he said. So now we’re officially boyfriend and girlfriend again, I about went to the moon and back. Immediately, priorities have shifted. I spent time with Mum but I waited until she was in bed with the lights out to sneak out of the house. I know, I’m thirty or forty years old now and I shouldn’t have to be doing that but I do because of who my Mum is. I mentioned the thought of spending the night over there and she immediately protested. I didn’t want to fight, I just wanted to go without an argument. Anyway! It was about half past midnight when I left.

The door was unlocked. I silently locked it behind me and put my energy drinks in the fridge. I crept into his bedroom, closed the door, and set my bag on the ground. I debated whether to climb over him or go around the bed. When I started to make my way around the bed, he said “not that way”. He was awake, I was startled. I ultimately climbed over him and laid next to him, spooning his body, placing my hand on his chest. We briefly spoke but then my hand slowly moved to his sexy region and I couldn’t contain myself. This is my boyfriend now, I wanted him, and from the feel of it, he wanted me too. After one of my famous blowjobs, we pretty much had the best sex I’ve ever had. “Just sit” has an entirely new meaning and I’ve never felt the way I did last night. I literally enjoyed sex, which is sad but I don’t normally do, he was hitting a spot no one has before and I was on cloud nine. We made love, some of it without protection, and it felt so amazing. I fell asleep with him spooning me, that was amazing too. I missed that so much. Now my goal is to recreate that feeling, again and again and again.

He originally invited me over to save an early morning trip so we woke up early. I actually woke up before his alarm and got to nursing my daily energy drink. Everyone got ready quickly and we hit the road, all five of us. Jackie brought her girlfriend, who is nice but awkward. Most non binary people are, no offense. Traffic on the way to Portland was horrendous. He kept claiming that there was an accident but I was insisting this was regular morning rush hour traffic. We agreed to disagree (but I never saw a collision sooo…). The zoo was fun. Vivian and I went a few years ago and there was a lot of construction going on. This time, there still was construction but not as much. They really enhanced things since we were last there. I didn’t forget my phone this time so I got lots of pictures. The trip home was a breeze. I saved us a side-quest trip to a convenience store for Tylenol for Jackie when I spotted some at the gift shop before we left. For some reason, I felt good about that small win, he even mentioned “good eye”. A compliment is a compliment. We got back to his house and made out the menu for the week that we’re cabining. After a doggy-style quickie, I took Vivian home where Mum had dinner waiting for both of us. It was really nice. I could tell she had been drinking though after she wouldn’t stop talking for literally ten minutes straight (I watched the clock). It’s annoying but whatever. I’ve found some new happiness to obsess over.
Riding High

July 5, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Lekota’s I Used To

I was really riding high from that kiss yesterday. Mark even invited me over to spend the night and like an idiot, I said yes without thinking it through. I want to, I really do, I’m just nervous about telling Mum. It’s not that I’m asking for my mother’s permission, however she’s really dependent on me and in my opinion mentally fragile. Oh, and also religious. I knew that if I told her that I was going to Mark’s house to spend the night, she would flip and I’d end up not enjoying the night or the trip to the zoo and it’d be awkward when Vivian and I came home because she feels so “abandoned”. I played the scenario out in my head and unfortunately, Mark gets shat on. I hurt him a lot in this way and I’m sick of doing it. Perhaps I should tell Mum that he and I are in a relationship and so I have to make time for him. He gets over it but eventually, he won’t and his feelings will finally take over.
Fourth of July Fun

July 4, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Megan Thee Stallion’s Best You Ever Had

Today was a roller coaster. Work was so, so slow. Everyone had plans to go out and do other things besides tasting wine at a vineyard, I don’t blame them, it’s a holiday weekend. While at work, when a lead asked me if I wanted any food put in for lunch, I suggested since it was so dead, perhaps I leave early. Big mistake, huge. They said they would revisit the idea in a few hours. I shouldn’t have asked because looking back, I ended up staying the longest. I got to watch all of these people go home while I was left behind. Oh well, I was making money. I got my busiest toward the end of my shift, I had three tables in two hours which was more than I did all day. I made people smile, gave them “bonus pours” and enhanced our reputation by doing so.

I was excited to get off work early because A. Mum had the day off (she is in the middle of a four day weekend) and B. Mark had invited me to his house to celebrate the Fourth of July. I got out of work around 8:30pm, stopped by Taco Bell on the way to his house for some dinner because I knew that I wasn’t going to want what they had for dinner (potato and pea curry), then wound up at his around 9pm. Vivian, Mark, and Mark’s Mum were outside, hanging out, lighting sparklers and smoke bombs. Vivian was having such a great time! We were waiting for Jackie and her girlfriend/boyfriend/non-binary-whatever to arrive before blowing up the big stuff. I got to chat with his Mum, learn how disappointed she is in her kids, and how she feels like she’s nearing the end of her life. I really, really want to make her birthday special somehow. I know Mark will probably bake a cake but I want to gather some “Why I Love my Wife/ Mom/Grandma” cards and put them together. Her birthday isn’t until August so I have time. My original intention was to take Vivian home with me after the firework show but it was after 11pm and I wanted to get to bed and be ready for work tomorrow. Mark didn’t have an issue so I was glad. We said our goodbyes and everybody went inside. I went to my car, got in, started it up, and began choosing a song. I noticed Mark had come outside and was heading for my car. When he approached the window, I rolled it down and he leaned in for a kiss. My heart flew to the moon and back. It was like a silent gesture, him saying “I’m really glad that you were here.” It was nice. It was nice to be a little family again. I wish he and my Mum would get along for the ultimate perfect family portrait for me but I don’t think that will ever happen. Anyway, I drove home smiling.

‘Twas a good day.
Digital To-Dos & Goals

July 2, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Glorilla’s TGIF

I debated whether or not to pick up a shift today. It’s so typical that three people have asked in the group chat if someone can work for them. Oh well. I’ve decided to stay home with Mum and Viv. Easy going day. I still feel like I’m dragging my feet and not getting what I want done. My digital To-Do list seems to grow and grow, rarely am I crossing off or deleting things from it. Nonetheless, I’m happy to be using the digital To-Do list and it’s annoying how long it took me to stop using handwritten notes.

It’s been a nice few days off. July 1st came with a raise. I get to work an event next weekend, which I feel honored to be chosen to do… but I don’t know if it’s truly an honor. I do know that I’m “in” with the Hospitality administrator, she likes me and I’m also “in” with her assistant, so perhaps when the schedule was made, they were like, “Yeah, we want Megan.” I do a really good job when I’m there and it’s only been three months however I want to tell my boss my career goals which include their company. I want to train people how to give a good experience and I want to have a say in the training process. My one 9-5 training/education was not very good and I don’t want others to have that same experience, but I don’t know how to tell my boss that without sounding like a major Dick.
Fun Relief

June 29, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: City Girls’ Careless

Finally! A good Monday! I picked up Vivian yesterday since I didn’t work so when I woke up, there was no transitional period. We done did that already! I had a to-do list on my phone that I was taking more seriously than the handwritten one so I got shit done! I called my new credit card company to update my info so I could access my account. I called and scheduled Vivian’s appointments for later today and tomorrow, took her to the appointment where she was a trooper with the blood draw. We went to pick her new glasses too but once again, the technician snapped the arm off so like I suggested last time but was denied, we chose another frame and left. We went to the indoor amusement park that gave us such a headache last Monday and actually had a good time. So good in fact that Vivian peed her pants. She was having so much fun, she forgot to go to the bathroom. Mum wanted to take her home as punishment but I’m not going to be that parent. It was a mistake.

I feel better having dropped those courses but also, I feel more aligned with the hospitality and training career path I’m choosing. I’m going to get certified as a guest service professional and then turn that in to my boss. I will also let her know my desired path which is to be a learning and development specialist. I love helping people be and do their best. I actually get excited about doing that because it can be done where I work, kind of right away. And I’d rather be doing that than what I’m doing now because while it’s not boring, I’ve been doing it for a long time and I’d like to show others how to do it right.
INFJ in the Wild

June 28, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Prodigy’s Firestarter

The other night, my assignments and test for chapter 1 for ONE of my classes was due and I sat there, contemplating whether I should just drop it or not. It pissed me off but in the end, I finished my assignments and aced the test. I felt so proud of myself for accomplishing the tasks before the deadline. The old me would have dropped out immediately. However, this afternoon, with another deadline approaching quickly, I sat at my computer, opened the reading material and started to read, but nothing was sticking. I began to even wonder if this was a good idea because the stuff I was reading was so boring. I get it, it’s the world of accounting, it’s not going to be exciting and maybe that’s why I’m so turned off by it. But literally, as I’m reading the text, I’m thinking ‘Will I enjoy this career?’ I know people piss me off, like a lot, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not very good at taking care of them. Anyway, long story short: I have dropped those classes with the looming deadlines, switched my mind once again from Accounting to Hospitality and I’m going to keep it that way. I’m actually excited about Hospitality because I’ve worked in customer service for so long and have encountered so many situations, in and out of the food industry. I retook the Myers-Briggs personality test just for funsies and came out as an INFJ-T. Reading through all the strengths and weaknesses, it described me to a T. Just because I’m an introvert doesn’t mean that I should fear people, I just prefer being alone, that’s all. So by switching majors, I have registered for fall classes, which don’t start until three months from now. Plenty of time to prepare.

I swear, I have taken on a leopard print persona. Everything I own is leopard print now. It catches my eye most of all and I love it. Today was the gathering with the “besties” and I chose a leopard print dress. But everyday I’ve incorporated it somehow into my life. Mark says it reminds him of Peggy from the show Married With Children and to me, that’s not such a bad thing. So yeah, the bestie gathering. We met at my work for a tour and a tasting. It was so nice to see them, I was genuinely happy. I made notes on my reservation about the wines that I think they’d like to try and specifically mentioned that I wasn’t drinking. Our tour guide poured me some anyway, a really nice, bubbly selection too, to which I responded by pouring it into Amber’s glass. I think I told three or four co-workers today that I was in recovery. It was slightly embarrassing, but oh well. The tour was nice, I learned some stuff about the winery that I didn’t know. I got to eat some of the new menu items which were mighty tasty. Over the course of our time together, I realized that I indeed am Type-A. My besties are more spontaneous whereas I need to plan things, hence why I’m always the one reaching out and choosing the place. So many people in my life are go-with-the-flow kind of people so I need to realize that and chill. Of course we’re getting together next month, they’re happy to see me and I’m happy to see them.

Amber took a picture of Ruby and I before the tour with her insta-print camera. When it developed, I about dropped to the floor. I noticed how large I am. Like, really large. I feel large because I am large. I hate being this size. It’s the biggest I’ve ever been, I feel, and I’m really pushing my doctor for the gastric sleeve surgery. I’ve been big all of my life, it’s not fair how many hoops I have to jump through. Anyway, it wrecked my self-confidence for the rest of the day. I arrived feeling so good.
A Hundred-Dollar High & a Used Car Low

June 27, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black

Work was so long today but really good. My sales are really phenomenal and the guests really love my service. I was in the special owner’s room where the noise level is little lower for more one-on-one talk about the wines. I got a $100 tip today, too bad our tips are pooled. So you’re welcome for being myself everybody! I don’t pitch out wine club but people that are already members get really, really good service from me and tend to purchase a lot of bottles.

Mum found out that her boss who was trying to sell us his BMW for five grand increased the asking price by about $10k so that sucks. We were really looking forward to riding in style. Meanwhile, I have no A/C, my brakes are shot and my headlights don’t work at night. So yeah. It’s time for repairs or “something else”. I’m thinking “something else”. I got my money’s worth out of my car that’s older than YouTube. It’s time to step into something a little newer and that’s always scary. A thorough investigation must be done before the purchase.
Meltdowns & Missing Profiles

June 23, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: ZZ Top’s Sharp Dressed Man

Yesterday was rough. It was rough emotionally for me and since I was having a bad day, I tried to distance myself, however my mother perceived that as me being a spoiled bitch and treating everyone badly. Everything was fine before we picked up Vivian and that’s usually how it goes on Mondays. We picked her up and went to a new indoor amusement park in town. I was already pretty overstimulated from the 444mg caffeine. Now add in screaming playing children and the sneaking suspicion that Mum had been drinking, I was on edge. Then two mistakes happened: I didn’t specify that I wanted to purchase the 60 day summer pass however the cashier when ringing us up asked zero questions. There was a missed opportunity to make a sale on the summer pass. Anyway, this held us up. Mum was insisting on purchasing the summer pass even though we had never been there before, which didn’t make any sense to me. This held us up for a while. Vivian was starting to get impatient. When the manager was summoned, he couldn’t even log in to the software needed for refunds so they shooed us away and said that would work on it. Of course they didn’t and they never came and found me, but that was probably for the best. The first thing we tried were these mega slides. I assumed Viv would go up on her own but suddenly, Mum followed her all the way up. After waiting a couple minutes, I silently blew my temper, gave up waiting and went to sit at a booth. Viv comes to me “Grandma is a bully!” I already knew what was going on because it happened to me so many times as a kid. Because Viv was so scared, my mom thought it was encouragement to make her feel bad. “Kindergarteners are going down that slide, you’re just afraid!” It shot me back to a time at the fair where I was made to feel like shit because I was too afraid to go on a Ferris wheel. My mom can be really cruel and I’ve brought that to her attention but she doesn’t give a fuck. I directed Viv to the dodgeball court where she stood in line. I had a feeling she just wanted to lay on the court like she does at the other trampoline park and that wasn’t going to fly here because they were playing legitimate dodgeball. I had to keep telling myself that I can’t be a Hover-Mom and have these high expectations of what her fun should like. It wasn’t working. Mum was getting more and more frustrated that Viv wasn’t having as much fun as she thought she would. It was so frustrating having to deal with Mum’s emotions and Viv’s emotions AND mine. This is why I came off as a spoiled bitch, trying to maintain feelings.

We went home and things just got worse. She continued to drink and I tried to tell her that her comment earlier about how money comes easy to me hurt my feelings but that was taken too personally. I broke down and asked her for alcohol and that made things even worse. “Do you think that’s the answer?” I could smell the rum on her breath. It made me so angry and upset at how hypocritical she was being. She was literally projecting about her own behavior on to me and didn’t realize. With her being inebriated, we weren’t going anywhere. She was going to take everything I said personally. To avoid further fighting, I just fell asleep. She took over Viv’s care for the evening. I woke up later, had a snack. During the snack, she poked her head in my room and said not to stay up so late. It pissed me off but it was warranted. The previous night, I didn’t sleep and ended up crashing about 6am Monday. Regardless, it made me mad. Viv had a vacation bible summer camp that Mum frivolously signed her up for so she took Viv to that. I got to sleep in a bit but was still irked about yesterday. Mum was being weird, texting me rather than coming to my room, avoiding me or any eye contact, like I had done something wrong when actually, I kept my cool even after asking for alcohol and not getting any. She was the one who made it awkward and ugly by drinking and trying to pick a fight with me.

Anyway, I’m done talking about it. She’s still being weird to me but maybe it’s because she’s embarrassed. I would be too if I acted like she did. I don’t want Viv to see any more of what she’s already witnessed. It’s so peaceful at Mark’s house but when she comes here, there’s emotions to deal with. My Aunt Flo made her debut today so that explains my feelings being all over the place. It just sucks having to grieve the end of my friendship with my besties. I’m serious about this. Our little get together on Sunday will probably be the last time we see each other for a while because I’m sure as fuck not initiating anything, like ever again. To be honest, half of me doesn’t want to go but I’ll be learning about the place where I work and that’s fun. I won’t get to drink any fucking wine but that’s cool. I can’t wait to get dressed up and pretend like I want to be there. I just have a sneaking suspicion that they both think they’re better than me because their lives are so great meanwhile mine isn’t. I’m seriously upset about this and I’m looking for someone to talk to and I have none. I need legitimate therapy.

I deactivated my social media, like pretty much all of it, except for one but I would deactivate that too if I knew how. There’s no reason to communicate with the outside world anymore. I don’t have anything to say and no one has anything to say to me so I’ll just continue moving forward the best I can without all of that nonsense. I’m not in good shape and I don’t go on vacations so besides Vivian, there’s nothing to show off. I suspect that my Dad laying into me, pretty much crying to me over the phone, about how I should get the gastric sleeve surgery had something to do with posting selfies of my chubby face on social media. Otherwise, why else would he say it? I’m considering it and have spoken to my doctor but there’s loopholes and I’m not going to lie to the doctor about anything like nicotine use just to get things started quicker because it’s my health.