Last night was absolutely ridiculous. It was the night of the reunion banquet and after the embarrassment of having to refund people their money, I really didn’t want to go. Mum got drunk and literally forced me. I was in tears, in the hotel, in the car, at the table, it was weird. When she asked me what I was going to eat, I said nothing (my stomach had been really funny with all the eating out). That was it. She stood up and yells “well then let’s just get the fuck out of here”. She laid into me, causing a scene, yelling at me in the parking lot, all in front of my daughter. I asked her to stop saying so many obscenities but she said she didn’t care. She made fun of me and called me and my entire family selfish. She angrily drove us back to the hotel and then we had to sit there while I apologized (… I apologized for having a panic attack) and she continued to belittle me (all in front of my daughter), saying she knew I shouldn’t have put together a reunion, etc, I don’t listen to her, etc. She even brought up how a year ago she was the bad guy, the unstable one when it’s actually my father and I who are psycho. It was quite psycho of her to be honest. Eventually she drove us back to the restaurant and they got to eat. I only saw one person from school and I didn’t even say hi. I’m like, the heaviest I’ve been in a while and being yelled at like by my Mum, I wasn’t in the mood to pretend even further that I’m happy.
I was literally contemplating opening a business with her, offering her a room in my house when the time comes… fuck all that. She drinks all the time and even when she isn’t drinking, she’ll take an innocent mistake, misinterpret it as disrespect, then her whole attitude changes. I literally have to tame the beast. For instance, we went to a health food restaurant, we were looking at the menu which was next to the register. While we were doing so, someone walked in, grabbed some salads from the reach-in fridge, and set them next to the register to pay for them. Mum was ready to order so she just turns around and starts to order her lunch… but the cashier says “oh let me just ring her up for these, just a moment”. That set Mum off. When she was ready to ring us up, Mum says “oh is it our turn now?” Her sense of entitlement is so off-putting. I turned around with a smile and had to order for us, I wasn’t about to let her order with a shitty attitude, then the food is shitty, then the experience is shitty… she doesn’t understand that her example of popping off has trained me to be a reserved person that is absolutely too self-aware. Anyway, at the table, she’s just mad and her “elixir” doesn’t taste like it should. I just kept changing the subject, “what do you want to do?” She’s like a fucking child. While berating me in the car last night, she literally stopped in the middle of the road to gps our hotel. It made me so nervous: an angry driver fed up with her bullshit could have come up behind us and made the situation worse, a cop could have strolled up and pulled us over, arresting her for driving her daughter and granddaughter while drunk (and angry). I’ve literally spent all of my money and then some, I don’t have bail money. Her behavior on this trip plus my daughter’s sassiness has turned it into a nightmare. I can put up with Vivian, but my mother, a grown-ass woman who should know better, popping off because her daughter is having a panic attack? That is bullshit. If the tables were turned, I would have respected her wishes and left, not making her feel like a piece of shit. Blasting your music from your phone and dancing in the lobby of your hotel is not a good choice. I won’t be traveling with her anytime soon. I need some fucking alone time. Currently I’m in the hotel in Indian wells while they’re out swimming. Mum said some half-assed shitty apology to Viv and me before leaving for the pool but last night, I won’t be forgetting anytime soon. I don’t accept her apology because I’m sick of her treating me that way and saying “sorry” when I know that she’ll be doing it again in the future because she’s that type of woman.
I have no money and no money coming on this next check. I’ve decided not to pursue digital prostitution so becoming a cam girl isn’t in my future. I’m so fat and ugly, I have to work on myself. Also, I’m not traveling until I have my own credit card to do so. I really have to work on my credit. I have A LOT to work on, it’s just being put off because I’m drinking all the time. I have hobbies that I don’t pursue because I drink all the time.
I have a lot to do to better myself.
This trip has brought to my attention that I’m an introvert now. I’m also a homebody. I don’t like attention and prefer to stay at home versus going out dancing. I literally cannot wait to get home, to lay in my bed, with my led lights. I miss my backscratcher and my percussion device to knock out the pain in my neck. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to be away from Mum. I really regret telling her about the trip but she would have found out eventually and been mad about me not telling her. I love her and it’s hard to manage her personality when she’s been drinking. This wasn’t a pleasant trip away from home. This was a stress-fueled, expensive trip of having to go here and then go there. I’m tired and sunburned and emotionally drained. We don’t even have the room situated for tonight, I couldn’t press her to do it anymore yesterday. She tends to put things off until the last minute and then gets mad when it doesn’t go the way it should.
I’m starving. I miss my conveyor belt sushi and Buldak noodles.
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