Audacity

Thankfully Mum’s car started after being in the economy lot for nine days because the following day, she had issues with it running. I love to travel but I hate it at the same time. The vacation of 2025 was an utter failure. Next year, it’ll be totally different. I made notes regarding every complaint I had to make the next trip a success. 

Work on Tuesday was grueling. I mean, it was an easy going day, however I had to battle the whiskey monkey AND the “I want to leave early” monkey. It took so much motivation just to get there and I was forty-five minutes late. I blamed my car. It’s getting easier to stay. Probably because I’ve decided to quit alcohol. After seeing Mum’s behavior and trying to remember the events that lead up to getting to our first destination, I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of drinking all the time so I’ve finally decided to quit. My last sip of alcohol was early Sunday morning. It hasn’t been easy but I have to keep reminding myself to change my habits. Like yesterday, I went to the cafe for a drink and when I was dispensing soda water, I thought “oh I need something flavored, a chaser… oh wait, I don’t have alcohol”. It’s that easy, sort of. 

Mark actually had the nerve to tell me that the reason he hasn’t had a job all this time was to give me a chance to work… I was literally speechless. The audacity. We were talking about how nice it is that his parents are able to watch Viv on days when I work and he works and there’s no school. I think he’s spent so much time away from people that he thinks he’s telling an excellent lie. I don’t trust him, not with my feelings, not anymore. I trust him to be a good Dad to Vivian but our relationship is pretty much dead. I can’t keep living in the future, dreaming of my house and my car and my new life. That isn’t going to happen for a while and that’s a good thing. Inheritance can be bittersweet. 

I may be angry, but seriously, fuck everyone from the desert. I’ve deleted the instagram page I set up for our reunion, I’ve deleted the website I created for tickets, I’ve deactivated my personal instagram page, and switched Facebook profiles so I don’t have to see updates about their lives. I’m disappearing and I’m sure no one gives a fuck. But it’s made me feel better. No one needs to see pictures of Viv, I don’t need to waste my time pretending that my life is so glamorous because it isn’t. I hate taking selfies now. I’m just done with the social aspect of social media. I just like the “media” bit. I’m disappointed that one of the people I was most looking forward to never got back to me all because he has a girlfriend. This is what inspired my removals and deactivations. Another thing was opening the instagram page before the drama on Saturday night and seeing all the “Sorry, can’t make it” messages. There was another alumni night planned a couple of weeks after my event by the Foundation, an organization of past alumni’s from my high school. The head texted me, inquiring about my event and said she would get back to me after talking with her committee… she never got back to me. So anyway, fuck them. The desert is a great place to visit but I’ll never move back.