Family Boundaries

Mood:

Listening to: Jauz – Lindsay Lohan

It’s upsetting how Mum still drinks around me. Even after my slight relapse. Tonight she’s drunk and she’s emotionally unloading on me. She basically shit on my senior concierge side hustle idea, saying I should be researching my daughter’s condition instead of doing all of this research for nothing. I was starting this idea/business as a preface for her business idea which is managing a small assisted living “compound” but because I haven’t asked her for the written business plan that she has, I don’t really care about it. It’s so frustrating to deal with someone like this. Why waste my time getting a business started? I’m targeting the senior crowd for her, for her fucking business. We get along really well when she’s sober. When she drinks, I fucking hate being around her. One wrong move, then she guilt trips me, she makes me feel bad. This all stemmed from my lack of cooking and her being hungry and wanting to be served and sick of serving others… she keeps score and things become transactional to her. She’s worried about me and my meals and pissed that I don’t reciprocate that. I know that I should adjust that, HOWEVER she’s my mother, that will always be in her nature. It’s in my nature to do so for my daughter. I don’t even feed myself. I feed Vivian first and eat the leftover scraps if there are any. I think Monday will be my sleepover night with Vivian so I’m really thankful to be going to bed and not socializing with her because she’s drunk. I’ve been asking her for the last two days to help me pay some bills and she told me the same thing probably six times “I feel like I’ve paid these twice already”… then when I ask again, she’ll say the same thing. Then when one of my bills not being paid affected her (Netflix), she would ask how she can watch her show, then get distracted and not listen to my answer and this exact sequence happened, literally, seven times in one evening. And I couldn’t say anything because me getting emotional about her being drunk gets HER even more emotional and then it turns into a fight (essentially her being mad at me for being mad at her) so I’m taking the high road and keeping my mouth shut. Maybe I’ll try bringing it up tomorrow when she’s sober, but I’m chicken shit. She doesn’t understand that when my Dad and I “say” that she’s unstable, we mean emotionally, not physically. It’s sad that I understand this and she doesn’t, but our emotional intelligence is on completely different levels. This is truly a private hell, especially when Vivian is home, and it makes me wish I had my own sanctuary for us away from her instead of living in the same flat. I love living with her but not when she’s drinking and she drinks five out of seven days a week. It’s very frustrating to deal with, especially since I have to be sober.