Borrowed Anxiety

Mood:

Listening to: dolly babe’s Pink Blush

Yesterday was so long. We woke up early to get to the mechanic before I had to work, but unfortunately they didn’t complete the job (I needed them to fix my headlights, they’re too dim and I only have one bright light) so we had to leave it behind. Then I realized that I left my work shirt at home so the trip all the way across town was moot. Mum and Viv dropped me off on time and even came in for some food. I got to try our White Bean Fettuccine… not a fan. I’m glad I got to try it though because it always looks so good. I was the breaker at work so my day was a little chaotic. While giving the concierge their break, I forgot to order the next person’s lunch so when I got to them and said “Have a good lunch”, the word “lunch” triggered my mistake and my guilt. I apologized profusely. Thankfully she was patient and the kitchen was accommodating after I wrote “on the fly” in caps. I got so far behind that a manager had to give the last person her break. Partly because she’s a bitch and partly because she couldn’t contain her hunger (or her mouth), but love you girl, do you. I’m not sure how it came up but I was chatting with two co-workers, one of them was telling of us how a customer was saying he knows the owner, he has a website, blah blah blah. I blurted out “doesn’t everyone have a website?” to which they both responded that they didn’t have one which lead me to confess that I did. Of course, one of them exclaimed, “what is it?” to which I responded with the address. It was quite strange speaking of my blog and saying my website name out loud but I did and it makes me smile. One of the girls was impressed, saying that no one has a blog anymore. I felt proud since I’ve been blogging non-stop since 2010. That’s sixteen years of memories. I have some blogs from high school days too. Uploading all of those memories is on my list of things to do but it’s quite a chore.

When it came close to closing time, I reminded Mum that the gate at the bottom of the hill would close at 6pm so she’ll have to get through early and wait or I couldn’t walk down the hill, but either way one of will be miserable. It was slightly annoying that she argued a bit with me about it. It’s like, you knew you had to be here by then, you don’t have to wait in the car, like damn. I started asking around for a ride to the bottom of the hill, which was embarrassing, but she managed to make it through on time and it wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be. Also there was an invitation for her to sit inside in the air-conditioning, but whatever. We went home but promptly left for a steak dinner downtown. It was a tad annoying sitting at the table, I could tell Mum had been drinking. She was really laying into our server about things being brought to our table, a perfect storm of both her impatience and the server’s inadequacy.  I didn’t even bother sticking around her to feel the awkward energy she was vibrating because the server was taking too long to charge the card. We weren’t in a fucking hurry, I didn’t understand the sense of urgency. Vivian had been a shitty mood all day so maybe that was it. I ordered a mocktail and probably won’t be doing that again. Too much sugary syrup and just “extra” flavor that I didn’t need. Sadly, I threw up in the restaurant before we left. Even without the alcohol, it still happened. Having Crohn’s is such a pain in the ass. Then when we got home, the across-from-us neighbor was downstairs smoking and I knew, I fucking knew, Mum was going pull some passive-aggressive bullshit. She starts talking loudly about how she’s glad that the rental office just sent out an email about not smoking in or near the units… I don’t know if he cares but it’s not smart to talk to strangers, at night, with your daughter and granddaughter with you, and he knows where you live. Like, leave it alone. We smoke inside our apartment anyway, it’s not that big of a deal. Before we actually get inside, she asks loudly “am I right?” to which I have to respond with “yes” only I spoke it normally since she was right in front of me. Ugh, it could have been such a better night had all of that not happened. It gives me anxiety and makes me not want to be with her in public. She’s making herself look like an entitled fool but I can’t say anything even though she’s asked me to. I’ve learned my lesson. She’ll just snap at me and I don’t like confrontation so I’ll just keep my mouth shut and swallow my anxiety.

Last night, while lying in bed listening to Smells like Teen Spirit, it hit me like a shot: I really miss Mark. I miss his sturdiness and intellectual perspective. I miss the sexual energy, I miss the connection when in the same room. I hate that we’re not together anymore and I hate that I’ve committed not to do this to myself again because ultimately, I miss him. Thinking about the pain he’s put me through, it leaves me with mixed feelings. It like taints the water. But as I told him, “you broke the spell”, I will not be going back. He’s my ex for a reason.

I’m not sure how it was brought up at work, but a co-worker told me that his wife runs the administration offices and to let him know, he’ll hook me up. I took this as he’ll hook me up with a job in that sector, but I wanted to confirm that there was even space for someone like me. I went to the company website and saw that they’re hiring for an Events Lead at their location about forty minutes North of my house. This position is basically my old position at my last job. I’m completely capable of doing it and feel bad that I’m capable of doing so much more than I am. My Mum is convinced that the women in our family can’t maintain a full-time job. My Gran (Mum’s Mum) couldn’t hold one down for too long and retired early to escape. Mum had one and couldn’t take it either. I’ve done it before and had trouble maintaining. This last job drove me crazy because I was managing too many things, events and their café. Towards the end, I was preparing myself to ask that my role be split. This job, that I applied for last night, is one department: events. And when there isn’t an event happening, I’d be working in the Tasting Room, like I’m doing now. It’s more full time work, it’s more money, it’s farther away. I asked a co-worker today what happens after summer, she says it dies down a little and everyone that’s on the patio is crammed inside somewhere. I’m trying to think what my work would look like, but honestly, IF I interview for this position, I’m actually interviewing them because I have questions. What’s the salary, tell me about an event and what my role is responsible for, am I able to work Thursday-Sunday, etc. I’m excited about a possible change but I know that Mum is against. I’m sick of entry-level jobs. I want a career, a specialization. This could be my opportunity. Today is going to be a really long day and I’m not sure why I’m up so early.