Megan’s Paper Trail

Because I'll forget otherwise.

Recent Posts

  • Scared Mode

    It’s so nice being able to type on a keyboard rather than thumbing away at a screen. I’ve transitioned into writing my blogs with a different “notepad” on my laptop to prepare for the website launch. I’m still very excited about it.

    My cat escaped the closet “safe room” that I created for him. I didn’t make it completely safe, I guess. My mother keeps informing me that this cat isn’t going to give love as easily as the previous cats. It’s a traumatized cat, therefore it needs my love. I’m completely on the fence about whether to keep it or not. They don’t give refunds so I don’t know what I’ll do, but I bought him on Sunday and it’s Tuesday and he hasn’t warmed up. Like, at all. He’s still in scared mode, like I’ve beaten him or something. I feel bad. I have other cats in the home, one that wants to play, and a child that is mega curious about a new animal. I feel like a failure, getting into something I have no business doing. I didn’t have these feelings about the orange one or the gray kitten. I certainly never have these types of feelings with Ramsay, but I got him as a kitten. Of course, kitten season is upon us shortly so I should have just waited. I think I’ll call the humane society tomorrow and just ask them what I should do since he’s hiding all the time. I can make myself sound like the bad guy: never home, kid is too loud, other animals take precedence. I really feel like I should. He doesn’t bring me joy and I know it’s early, but that doesn’t matter. I dread coming home and having to be patient and gentle. I just want an animal to love me and that’s not going to happen with this cat.

  • New Fam!

    I adopted a kitten yesterday from the humane society. By kitten, I mean six months. You would think it would be a joyous occasion with lots of pictures and love and happiness, but he’s been missing for over 24 hours now. I’m a little irritated and disappointed that I rushed the process (even though I didn’t). He’s just scared and he’s going to take a while to get acclimated. I really hope he warms up. Mum keeps looking for kittens and it’s like, wtf. Why are you doing this? I guess I’m angry because I spent over three hundred dollars on a new kitten and it’s like I didn’t. He’s no where to be found and the food that I keep leaving out keeps being eaten by her cats. I’m getting annoyed. I spent another two hundred fucking dollars on groceries. I have no money again. It’s such bullshit. I didn’t have access to my money for the longest time, now I do and I keep spending it to where I have nothing left over. My Aunt Flo is in town and I’m just annoyed at everything.

  • Rough Work Weekend

    Today was a real test of my patience and sobriety.

    To the lady that broke me down and made me cry, ultimately forcing me to leave early today: that’s a big Fuck You. I knew, I fucking knew that today was not going to go well. Especially when my assistant, Silly Goose #2, blatantly chose not to help me and instead get to what I asked her to do yesterday. When I questioned her about it, she gaslit me. 

    I’m so annoyed. 

    Having to wash every fucking baking sheet so I can get to the eighteen (yes, 18) pizzas, well that’s fucking annoying. Dealing with balloons blowing up in my face, 3, 4, 5 times.

    Now I’m livid. 

    At two o’clock, there were two parties happening and I gave my assistant one of the parties to maintain. Apparently she got a rude lady that misunderstood things and was frustrated that I didn’t reach out to her. I can’t confirm if she and I ever spoke, I talk to a lot of people on the phone, but she took her anger out on me, pointing her finger at my chest. I took it personal after everything else that had happened, redlining all friggin day. I excused myself from the disgruntled woman and asked the supervisor to step in. My desk mate noticed that I was crying and shaking, very upset. Like, it’s a shame that I can’t tell my corporation how I truly reacted. He was happy to take over. I gave him the information he needed because Megan from the past made a list of everything you need to know about welcoming a party and saying goodbye. I love it. And I love him. He really, really saved my day. I think I had broken down and cried, no joke, 3-4 times, through all the bullshit. I mean, having to wash every baking sheet because every single one is dirty. Come on! Who the fuck does that?!

    I’m sick of going over the events of the day so I just won’t anymore. I compiled a HUGE, scathing email to my boss that I’m proud to say I didn’t send. I wanted to include her boss and jot down every wrong thing that’s been done to me since I started. I’m not looking forward to my Monday but I have my weekend to get through before that bullshit. I’ve decided not to bother Ms. Clancy with this today either because she’s enjoying her time with her friends, which she has every right to. I just couldn’t do it today like I do every weekend. I’m grateful for him stepping in to save me

  • Angry Work Vent

    Angry. I’m so angry. My department absolutely sucks. I felt like this last week too and instead of getting angrier, I created a position for myself to transfer out of my department that I haven’t even proposed to higher-ups yet. It made me feel better. Now though, I’m experiencing the same bullshit and I don’t feel like transferring. I feel like fucking leaving. My job is fucking hard and thankless. I don’t think that my boss understands my frustration, how I’m left to do pretty much everything except ring people up in the café and make their orders… because I’m doing everything else. She has an event, I’m breaking my back putting it together and taking it down. No one else gives a fuck. I’m breaking my back putting together birthday parties and trying to create revenue for our department to look better to our boss, the director…

     And for what?

    Ms. Clancy gets all the glory for my blood, sweat, and tears. I really have half a mind to just straight-up leave. “Sorry, Vivian needs me, I have to go.” Wtf would they do? What would Ms. Clancy do? How would that make her feel? She literally told me to get Silly Goose #2 and Silly Goose #3 together, close our café for five minutes, create a master plan to get things done today, and actually expect everything to get done with minimal issues. She doesn’t know them like I do. I give them a list, they choose whatever and “take ownership”, then I have to swoop in at the last minute and fix everything. I don’t want to live with that fucking stress. That’s no way to live. I’d rather just do it by myself. Fuck them, they’re going to give about 40% of a shit about their job and I have to make up the rest plus give my own 100%… the math doesn’t equal dick. I keep running into this problem and besides leaving, I don’t know what the fuck to do. I’m sure as fuck not going to schedule so many birthday parties on Saturdays anymore. Only what I can handle without help because FUCK my department. The kitchen: great crew, I love their chemistry. Silly Goose #1, love her and what she does. The rest of them can fuck a goat, seriously. I’m so fed up with the laziness. Why should I suffer? Why should I have to break my back when they’re perfectly capable of moving chairs and tables? I’m so annoyed. I don’t want to do the thinking for them when they’re capable adults that received this job because we thought they we capable. Well, technically Silly Goose #2 starting a week before me and #3’s interview was NOT good, regardless of what the HR lady said. They’re friends, that’s why she recommended him. Fuck her opinion, it’s so askew. Silly Goose #4 was terminated this morning. He was actually late to his firing, he bummed a ride from someone just to get here and be, well, you know. The audacity. The naivety. Hopefully he learned how to maintain a job from this experience. I wish him well.

    Mum had an awful day too. Her schedule at work got all changed around and now she works too many hours that aren’t the money making hours. Today just sucks. I applied for a few jobs to to put some feelers out there, so I feel better about my crummy job. She’s applying elsewhere too. I wish she didn’t have to work. I wish I could support the household and she just support us here and there with a home-cooked meal and toilet paper. I want to get this event planning company started. I’ve been tossing around an idea to work for myself instead of busting ass for someone who doesn’t give a shit. I’m excited about it and wish Mum would be excited about it too but I have to make it look serious and active in order to gain exposure and customers.

    This Friday the 13th was a doozy. I didn’t like it. I usually don’t and I knew with Ms. Clancy gone, everyone was gonna act a fool. I’ve felt stressed all day, even during my lunch where I forced myself to sit someone quiet and watch a WWII documentary. It sort of worked but I’m just nervous about tomorrow. There’s a lot to do and I have to be ready. Going forward though, I will NOT be scheduling so may parties. I’m gonna have to really be careful not to work too hard. I hate having to find that balance.

    At least it’s payday.

  • The Ultimate Parent

    Work was a bear today. My boss won’t be there tomorrow so I’m forecasting chaos for the next two days. We finally get to fire Silly Goose #4. Him not showing up yesterday was the nail in the coffin. We got approval from the higher-ups right away because now they’re finally sick of dealing with it, just like we are. I have to fire him but I’ll have my sheath, the Director of Operations. My boss and the head of HR will be out tomorrow, how convenient. So that’s first thing to happen. Then I have two different To-Do lists to contend with and the possibility that someone might call-out for Saturday, my busiest day of the friggin’ week. Someone meaning Silly Goose #2. Today, Ms. Clancy and I had to sit down with Silly Goose #3 after we watched last night’s closing shift on the cameras. He left the café unattended and we lost sales. He’s been told so many times not to do that and here we are, saying the same fucking thing. If he gets one more write-up he’s terminated as well. That’s how bad it is on my team. Also today, I heard that the background check for the girl we offered a job to might come back flagged, but my boss has decided to push it forward anyway. If it weren’t for Silly Goose #4 being fired, Silly Goose #3 would have been terminated to-day. He doesn’t even know how lucky he is. For real. My boss even asked him, “Do you want to work here?” The correct answer even if you don’t feel that way is “yes”, not “Well, yes and no. I’m looking for another job because I can’t afford to work here anymore…” His response didn’t even make sense but I understood what he meant; still, it was infuriating. HE is infuriating. What he meant to say was that he needs a second job. Regardless, care about the job you have now, dickface. I have so much work to get done in the next two days, I really don’t have time for people to be skiving off. So I’m nervous but I’ll drink my mushroom/power drink and get through the day, one minute at a time.

    I think I’m getting a cat on Sunday. Although after I told Mum about it, she spent the following two hours trying to find a different cat for me… I don’t understand. I’m not sure what she was looking for… Then she calls and I can hear it in her voice. She’s been drinking. Sure, it’s her day-off, but dammit. Now I have to deal with a drunken Mother when I get off of work. I’m not allowed to talk about her drinking when she’s been drinking, isn’t that sad? I can’t voice how uncomfortable it makes me and how I wish she would just fucking stop doing it every-fucking-night. Take a fucking break. And I can tell every-fucking-time too. Her behavior gives it away. If not that, then her breath. If she doesn’t have to work, there’s a 70% chance that she’s been drinking, even when she’s just going shopping with her daughter and granddaughter. I know that I used to be like that and it’s really, really frustrating to deal with but at least she didn’t have to monitor me like I was a fucking child. When she drinks before we leave, it’s like I have to take care of “two” children while we’re out instead of just the one. Then I look like an asshole for being so tightly-wound and stressed because I have to stop a child and a sixty year-old woman from playfully yelling at each other in the store… I know that’s insulting but it’s true. I fucking hate it and wish that she would respect me enough to fucking quit or at least cut back. I’m not asking for Saint-like behavior, but fucking hell. I’m trying to stay sober woman, stop rubbing it in my face by being drunk every fucking night.

    ANYWAY!

    I’ve been filling out questionnaires for the county’s humane society to adopt a cat for weeks now and finally received a call back today. He’s a six month old tabby, fixed and in foster care, I was told that he’s sort of a bully. I think I’m just gonna go for it, but I really hope that I don’t end up with an asshole cat like Mum has. She has two: the best cat in the whole wide world and the biggest douchebag in the universe. I’m not allowed to touch her, she hisses and freaks and runs from me. She must have been abused as a kitten which was made worse being spayed by the cheapest Vet in town who has had online articles written about how different animals behave once they’ve been under their care. It’s sad. I just want some excitement in my life and at this point, that means another cat in my life for the next 10+ years instead of having another baby with an unknown person I met on a dating app. Hopefully my next cat makes it past ten years. Poor Ramsay didn’t even get to celebrate a decade. The asthma got him. So I have a Meet ‘n Greet appointment on Sunday in the morning. I’m really excited for him. It should be awesome.

    I think I’ll call him Henry. Or Charlie. I don’t know.

  • The Silly Geese

    I’m getting so sick and tired of constantly being the one in my department to do the majority of the work for an event. I realize that’s part of my job, but we have a bloody team to help me get things done and lately, they’ve been really sucking. Here’s a breakdown of the four Silly Gooses:

    Silly Goose #1: She’s a nice older lady, like Mum’s age. At first, she really didn’t like me and that’s understandable. There’s a lot of turnover in my position because it’s tough to address the three-headed monster that it is. Now we get along famously and since her annual evaluation and a stern talk about toxicity in the café, there have been no complains about her work or her work ethic. She’s my favorite of the flock.

    Silly Goose #2: She’s a person. A lazy one, honestly.  She started around the same time as me, like a week before. She was ready for anything and very flexible with her schedule. Over time, her personal drama has destroyed her work ethic. She puts on a show: all of her ailments attack her at once, then her voice cracks and her body aches, then comes the call-out on a Saturday… it’s such bullshit. Today, I found her laying on the floor, in front of my boss, claiming to be exhausted after barely moving for her seven hour shift. So there’s that. Ultimately, she’s just a warm body that shows up on time. I can’t rely on her to get anything done and sometimes there’s a language barrier but at least she’s there. It’s very hard to understand her because English is not her first language if you know what I mean.

    Silly Goose #3: He’s just… wow. Some of this guy’s decisions throw me for a loop. He gives absolutely zero shits about his job and doesn’t think about anything before he does it. I can only imagine his personal affairs. Just when I thought he couldn’t get any dumber, he proves me wrong. He’s a slob, takes advantage of free food policy, and gives stuff away in our café which is why I constantly have kids asking for free stuff when I’m covering breaks. He’s young and not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he’s reliable, I guess. Give him something to do and he’ll find a way to either question your every move, do it the wrong way even when he’s shown the right way, or he’ll forget to do it, even if there’s a tangible list. He drives me crazy sometimes and I really don’t enjoy working with him.

    Silly Goose #4: This mother fucker is the reason that my job has been so hard lately. I’m really disappointed because he showed real promise when he arrived on the scene not even three months ago. I remember walking out of his interview, thinking to myself, ‘Definitely not hiring that guy’, others in that meeting agreed, then the following week, he came in to fill out paperwork, like wtf. I think he was hired based on nepotism, his girlfriend’s cousin runs one of the ministry departments. Today, he didn’t show up for his shift for the umpteenth time, so hopefully HR is sick of receiving our write-ups because I’m sick of relying on him for important shit, such as being my assistant on Saturdays when we’re the busiest all week. I truly, truly hope that he gets fired so we can hire another person to replace his ass because I’m done with the chances.

    Today’s event was pretty much together by me. Besides charging their card (or pressing that button rather), I set up everything: the tables, the buffet, the beverage station. My assistant, Silly Goose #2 took over an hour to make ninety silverware packs rolled in a cloth napkin. That would have taken me about half an hour with a podcast, but she’s just lazy. Lazy, lazy, lazy. It’s annoying. I don’t even want her on my team but I don’t have a choice. Her last question to me tonight was, “Do you want me to go home or…” I just answered sharply: “Sure, go home. Thanks for your work today.” I mean, I was mad but I’m not gonna be flat out rude. I think she made the coffee for this event so she put a little effort in. Anyway, I cleaned all the dishes for the event and by all, I mean all: the chef’s dishes, the customer’s plates, the serving plates and chaffers, the customer’s mugs and drinking glasses, I literally mean everything when I say everything. No one else was going to do them because of team fucking sucks. Can you imagine if I had called out, like the Silly Geese do on important days? My boss would have been completely screwed, especially around 2:30, when Silly Goose #4 didn’t show up. It’s been a minute since I did that, called out, but I don’t want to do that anytime soon. It’s rude and plus, I don’t have to. As a full-time employee, I earn vacation time and accumulated a lot last year so I request three-day weekends for myself and wait for them like a responsible person. It’s literally for my mental health and so far, it’s been working. I’ve got a four day weekend coming up (I didn’t get my requested time off last month for Silly Geese reasons) and I’m looking forward to it. It’s in 10 days, woo! I have to have a plan in place so I don’t waste my time and sleep it away. Calling off just creates so much guilt for me, especially if I know that I’m perfectly capable of going to work. These idiot kids that complain about being tired don’t have a kid, don’t work 40 hours, so they can kiss my ass. Just sayin’.

  • Scuffle of Feelings

    Is my job a good career? Yes. 

    Is my career a thankless career? No, it shouldn’t be.

    Do I wish I had a better team to coordinate with? Absolutely. 

    Including my manager? Yep.

    There are five birthday parties scheduled today and my boss showed up fifteen minutes before hand just in the nick of time to take the glory for the set up and the pizzas and basically putting it together when in reality, all she did was charge their card (that I took from the customer) and create an invoice/receipt that she may or may not have email them. If I had access to the system to create invoices and charge cards, I wouldn’t even need to bother her. I’d be flying solo. The idiot who we SHOULD HAVE fired actually showed up yesterday where he receive two write-ups, for attendance and not following the calling-in procedure. I wish he hadn’t shown up because if he didn’t show, we could have fired him. Now I have to put up with his unreliable ass. I’m not vouching for young people anymore during the interview process. No more. Young people are unreliable and treat this place like it means nothing to anybody when in fact, it means a lot to a lot of people, including me. I want things to be semi-perfect and for people to help out. Is that too much to bloody ask?? Helping out, thinking a little ahead, looking around for what they can do next. Have a bloody sense of urgency! That’s what I want from my team: a sense of urgency and I don’t want to have to be a bitch to get it. How do I even begin to tell my boss that I’m disappointed with her “help”? I’m sure the switch could flip again and she would go all corporate on my ass like before. I haven’t been written up for attendance issues, even during the Christmas craze where I was, no joke, sometimes an hour and a half late to work. I was at home, crying and swearing and smoking, trying to calm myself down enough to get over my fears and go to work. Life was different back then. 

    But damn.

    I’m so disappointed. Fifteen minutes before the parties. What if idiotface didn’t show up and I was really, really behind? She didn’t text me but neither did I. I like my job but I don’t like my team. From the bottom all the way to the top. I wish I could work for HR. I’d never spill the tea. 

    During this whole scuffle of feelings, I’ve decided to get out of my department by any means necessary. I’ve consulted with Thomas, my AI agent, and put together a really nice proposal. I’d like to assist HR by being the Employee Engagement Coordinator.

  • Getting It Done

    Another productive day in the books. I told myself yesterday when I was at my storage unit that on a nice day I would come back and organize everything. Well, I did. In my head, I assumed that it would take hours… it took less than forty-five minutes. I fee so good about it. I meant to take a picture to look back on my success. Anyway, I collected all of Mark’s stuff and neatly piled it in one corner, I designated one corner as the “Christmas Corner”. Somehow I’ve acquired two more Christmas totes (one small, one medium) after swearing that I’d just keep it to one extra large tote. Whatever. Now I can see AND access everything: all the holiday stuff, all the memories and yearbooks that I never want to see again. Another corner was taken over by my memory totes. I used to have a really special wooden box that kept all of my stuff from the past, it was like a chest, but after so many moves, it couldn’t withstand them all. It fell apart. I hope to buy the same for Vivian, only I’ll keep hers until she is in a good space as an adult. Maybe she never leaves, who knows? I hate thinking about it. 

    I overspent. My taxes are gone and yeah. I don’t have money troubles “yet” because I have money set aside but yeah. I wish I had more. Buying frivolously is so dangerous. I put together a budget, my monthly bills and monthly needs with a few wants. Then broke that down into pay checks and how I could slash larger bills in half if I already save half. With the math done, I’m barely squeaking by. After that, I canceled the streaming services and AI. I can’t afford it right now, I’m saving for two vacations this year even though I said I wouldn’t travel anywhere, especially with Mum. The Desert trip couldn’t have happened without her however she ruined it, like a lot. I just want to go somewhere and relax. Read a fucking book, delete pics from my phone; no pressure to go anywhere or feel the desire to purchase meaningless possessions even though I can’t afford it. I just want to go somewhere in the summer, lay out, and read. I lowered my goal of how many books to read this year. We’re in the third month out of twelve and I’ve read zero books. Ugh.

  • Delegating the Obvious

    Today, there’s a large birthday party at my work… on a Sunday… when our department is closed. Something my Boss, who resembles Mr Magoo more and more each day, signed off on. We’re closed Sunday. Nobody friggin works. Our community center is only open for five hours, yet my boss said “sure” to a birthday party from 4-7. Do you know how much preparation goes into throwing one of these things? And something is going on with our team. Everyone is sick or injured or can’t come in because of x-y-z. One of them should have been fired for stealing and the other needs to be fired for calling off every week he has worked since he was hired three months ago. These are children that we’re dealing with, 19-20 year olds where this is one of their first jobs so they don’t take it seriously. As an adult, with an adult job, it’s fucking frustrating to deal with. I feel like I cared more than anyone else about this birthday on Sunday, even my boss. I showed up two and a half hours early because there was so much to do. My boss had “personal drama” that prohibited her from showing up before 2pm. She even came in yesterday to “get stuff done” but ended up staying in the cafe and yapping her jaw the whole time with the cafe attendant while I’m running back and forth getting children’s birthday parties executed. I know it’s my job to care more than the average employee because I’m paid well, but dammit so is she. She’s paid a fucking salary so complaints from her are completely moot. I did SO much this morning, things that would have had us far, far behind if I hadn’t cared enough to show up early. Do I get a “thank you”? No. 

    “Thanks for stepping up Megan.” 

    That’s all I fucking crave from my boss and I rarely get it even though I’m constantly stressed about my job. Will I be employee of the month for caring the most about a party that’s bringing money and reputation to our facility? Fuck no. Ugh, I hate being under-appreciated. Of course the kid who calls off all the time who said he would fucking be here calls off because suddenly his grandfather has died. His girlfriend works here and spilled the beans that he’s at a party and not a family gathering, like a drink and drugs kind of party. Like, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the drama and apathy. I know that I wasn’t a reliable person in December because I was losing my fucking mind but surely it wasn’t this bad. I was late as fuck most days, but at least I still showed up and cared. 

    Tonight, for servers, because my boss agreed to everything being served by people instead of a self-serve buffet, we’re left with myself, my boss Ms Magoo, the injured/sick worker who clearly stopped giving a shit months ago, and the idiot kid who should have been fired for stealing/giving food away. And by giving food away, I mean calling other departments and asking if they want free food because he has access to it. I hate my team. Every single one of them. I’m so glad that it’s my Friday. I fucking hate being here right now and really just want to leave. Pick up my daughter like I do every Sunday, enjoy my fucking day off like I’m supposed to since I work Tuesday-Saturday. 

    But no. I’m stuck here for the next six hours at least. How much you want to bet that I’ll be the one who does all the fucking dishes because my team fucking sucks? I’d bet everything I have. Magoo has informed me that the kid who calls off will be terminated but who the fuck knows when or even if it’ll happen? She’s too sympathetic to these asshole kids who don’t give a shit about us. 

    Phew! Glad to get that out. I’ve been Type-A lately, flying off the handle easily, but I’m quick to cool down instead of letting the anger cripple my senses like in the Darkside from Star Wars. I’m still loving my new computer and with it, came the chance to buy the Midnight expansion of WoW so now we can have houses in the game. I’ve settled along the coast, with my own pier and everything. Anyway. How do I gently tell Mum that it really sucks that she drinks pretty much every night. I can understand after work but even on a day off. She just gets silly and not in a fun way. She tries to be funny and fails at it miserably then gets mad that I don’t understand it.

  • Productivity

    Yesterday was SO productive. After putting out fires at work all day, I got home and organized my room. I made my desk so that I can actually sit at it and use it how I always dreamed. When I first got it, sitting at it was unpleasant, too cramped. Then at Mark’s, it was hard to sit at it so yeah. It’s perfect now. Easily acceptable and it’s quite obviously a desk instead of a catch-all. I got my new laptop yesterday and early this morning, I got a chance to see WoW in action on a really good computer that actually belongs to me. I’m so happy with it. My room is more functional. I took boxes to my car to take to storage. I’m using two large totes that otherwise would have gone to storage to store my desk piles and my clothes. Basically I’m waiting for two dressers to be delivered and built before I can have my room complete. One dresser is for my pants and undergarments and the other is for office stuff, make-ups, handy electronics. I’m excited. THIS time, I won’t be moving out until it’s time to buy a house. I’m so sick of moving. Hopefully by the time Vivian goes to middle school, I’ll be ready to buy a forever-home and move into a really great neighborhood. Don’t get me wrong, my neighborhood now is fine: low crime, close in proximity to stores, the bank, the dispensary, Vivian’s school is directly across the street, I can see it from my window. It’s even close to downtown. Anyway, I’ve noticed that in Vivian’s short life, I have moved seven times. Seven bloody times. In seven years! That’s a case of instability. I need to change the address on my driver’s license and just sit at home and mind my business. 

    I know I’ve mentioned it before but I feel so much better than I did a month. The cash flow, my belongings within arms reach, the mental health meds… everything has really helped.