Megan’s Paper Trail

Because I'll forget otherwise.

Recent Posts

  • And… It’s Gone.

    “Aaaaaand it’s gone.”

    My taxes. Aye. Things are paid off, however I’m left with little. Although, my Mum has been completely paid off while she helped me get through getting rid of the cash advances. Did you hear the news? I don’t have to stay in the pay-day advance cycle. I’m free as a bird! Mark has been paid off. I bought essential furniture for myself and Vivian. I treated Mum to a fancy dinner, I bought a new swimsuit and some other items of clothing. Oh and I bought a bright and shiny new laptop to play my beloved World of Warcraft on. I’m doing it. Like scheduling a night where that’s what I do, every Thursday and Saturday. I needed a new laptop, desperately. I hate being without a computer and I know that phones and tablets are considered such but I need the keyboard and what not lol

  • Gripes & Plans

    Me and Social Media… it’s been a while. My boss brought up how she sees people’s kids growing up on Social Media and unfortunately my followers don’t have that privilege anymore. I don’t post anything, not even myself or motivational things. Nothing. It feels good but I miss it. I’ve been thinking about going back but I like my mental health right now. It’s getting better, stronger. I have more energy, I just feel lighter. This could be the meds, it could be that I’m finally free of the cash advance siege on my money, it could be that I’m speaking my sober mind to Mark about feelings and such, it could be that all of my belongings are either in my house where I sleep or in storage rather than half at Mark’s, etc. I’m feeling good now that life isn’t so chaotic. I’m still afraid to talk to Mum about why she feels the need to drink almost every night, but it’s not life threatening like it was a couple of years ago. Now I have to sum up the courage to talk to my Dad. I’m angry about Christmas and how he’s chasing love across the Pacific yet he can’t come see his only granddaughter more than twice in seven years. It’s unacceptable. And I’m sick of sending gifts and not knowing if he even received them. I’m not putting all of my precious money into bitcoin like he suggests and I’m sorry it took so long to say something other than “everything is good”. Everything is not good. Or was not good. It’s better now. 

    Looks like the girls and I are headed to Canada. I finally got the courage to ask if we could go on a mini-break somewhere in the summer and they both said they’d be down for that. Besides a quick stop for more fuel on a flight to Germany, I’ve never been to Canada. We were hoping to find a house to rent just for the Weekend and take in the city. It’s far enough in the future that I would be able to save up for it.

  • Finally. Relief.

    I truly believe that the vitamin D supplement and abilify have helped my mental state. Yesterday, I sang my little heart out in the car and didn’t cry. I felt like myself again, happy and witty, ready to take my job by the reigns and make a difference. Mum doesn’t believe the big pharma medicine is working but I truly believe it. Truly, truly, truly. It’s only been a week but I feel much different. 

    I’m concerned about the kids that I work with. One is clearly stealing from the cafe, another is constantly calling out, especially on important days like today where there is five parties to orchestrate the magic for, and another is ceasing to care about her job. My boss’s solution is to hire another personality to contend with, somehow this will light a fire under their asses when they notice that their hours are being cut to make room for this new person. I wish it could be Mum but that doesn’t work with her schedule. Anyway, the day was super busy and my boss had to come in but we did it. We got through all the birthdays relatively drama free. I’ve noticed that my boss can sometimes be a chicken with her head cut off when times get stressful. It makes me zero in on stuff that needs to get done. If it were up to her, I’m sure she’d stand around and talk all day. She can be a chatterbox. But the parties went well. Everything was orchestrated smoothly and now my boss wants to plan the parties differently going forward. Staggered, none starting at the same time. I think that’s a fabulous idea. I’m literally just inheriting this dysfunctional birthday system and making it better with each weekend I work. I do wish that I could take a Saturday off though. Maybe. I put in a request for two days off next month and I’m really hoping that it goes through but our team is constantly requesting time off as well so who knows? I just need a longer-than-usual weekend for my mental health.

  • Tudors & Feels

    I feel like Bruce Banner is my spirit animal. I’m still angry. I was extremely angry on Friday, when I discovered that my paycheck has been deposited into an account that was closed last month. I knew trying to get the free $350 for opening an account wasn’t going to end well. I didn’t do it in time and now, I’m suffering. So not only do I not have access to my money to pay off the cash advances that are owed every pay day, now I have to ask my Mum for money for every single thing in my life for the next two weeks. It’s the only way to get out of this cash advance cycle. They should be illegal but so should credit cards and alcohol but whatever. Valentine’s Day was about as unromantic as you can get. No flowers, no chocolate. The whole holiday is fucking scam. Romance isn’t real, it’s something fabricated by Hallmark and Disney to give false hope. I spent so much of my life chasing love when I should have been investing in myself. All of those years, wasted. ANYWAY. I was told my check will bounce back, but Monday is a holiday and I don’t work Tuesday. Just another test of my fucking patience. I’m sure Wednesday it won’t be ready either. Meanwhile, my bank account has been negative and will remain negative until I can get this money. I did my taxes but those won’t be here until next month. This is going to be a really tough two weeks and I’m trying to occupy my mind with getting myself organized so I can enjoy my life and hobbies  rather than live in a hoarder style mess, which is what my room looks like now. I’ve been sleeping in Vivian’s bed while she’s been away. 

    That’s another thing that angers me: she’s still sick. She was dropped off last week sick so I meticulously gave her zinc and vitamins to help her immune system. Things haven’t changed. It’s like he does nothing for her, just cough medicine (maybe). Also, there’s no screen time breaks at his house. It’s just constant Switch or TV, rarely does she just play, like a normal kid. I implement them here and she turns hateful. It’s so hard to handle. My days off are split this week and I feel like this day has been wasted being angry and stressed. Ugh. I realize having a day with no ups and downs is impossible (not really when you stay on the couch all day) but I’m looking forward to having a nice day. I didn’t know they were so few and far between as you get older. 

    I’ve really been into Tudor history lately. It’s fascinating to learn about customs and how Henry the Eighth changed the course of Britain’s history all because of his desire to marry someone else while being still being married. I don’t think I’ll ever marry and I’m still considering marrying myself to further commit to investing in me. When I bring it up, my Mum laughs. When I bring up where I heard about it, from Tiffany Haddish, she laughs again. It’s hard to take seriously I guess because it’s not traditional.

  • Fly Off

    I feel like I’ve been angry for the last two weeks. Since Mark said that we weren’t a couple and he didn’t consider us one, I’ve been on edge and easily irritated. Early this morning, I flipped out because I couldn’t find the honey to give Vivian for her sore throat. She kept coughing and crying, it was a rough night. Thankfully my Mum saved the day and said she would stay with her so we weren’t sending her to school sick. I was so furious though. The littlest things tend to set me off and I hate that, especially when it comes to Vivian. I have to have superhero-like patience with her. I don’t want to be an unpredictable, angry parent. I feel like I had one of those growing up and it’s not a safe space, mentally, to live in.

  • Angry for Days

    Work has absolutely driven me to the edge today. I’m really getting sick and tired of being the fall guy for the shitty party planning made by my boss. We have a room to celebrate birthdays that’s right next to the pool. We schedule parties at 12pm in there however the pool isn’t open for everyone to swim until 1pm. For the past three weekends, every party at 12pm in that room has complained about not being able to swim, “what am I supposed to do?”. Today, the host of the party said that she was told their party had special access to the pool for the hour they were in the room. She definitely misheard but chose to take her anger out on me. She and her husband. That set the tone for the rest of my day where I had two more parties to smile for. Of course I called my boss and she did nothing. She gave me words to pass along to them, which is not what they wanted at all. I’ve already suggested to my boss that we forgo parties at that time in that room because obviously they’re not listening or reading the fine print, but she isn’t having it. She refuses to listen, so I have to scramble to find things for this party to do and be apologetic and let this random stranger vent their anger on me when I’m already in a fragile state… fuck this job. Seriously. Have I ever been happy in a job? No. This job has great perks but I’m sick of being the go-to person. I’m not very good at it, never have been. I should have cried while being yelled at, see how they like that. Telling them that I was the messenger did nothing, they continued to berate me, as though I purposely planned for everyone to be miserable. I’m sick of working on Saturdays and being “that girl” for the parties. I fucking hate it so much. We have a Saturday in two weeks with 5 parties scheduled and it just dawned on my boss that she could work that day (uhm, duh?). What’s frustrating aside from dealing with angry, misinformed customers is that I have to do the thinking for my team. They can’t make decisions such as turning up the heat on the oven and recooking pizzas, etc. My lunch, a 30 minute off-the-fucking-clock genuine break, is interrupted every five minutes with a text from someone asking a stupid fucking question or even communicating what they’re doing with me. I’m not a salary worker however if I don’t answer the text, nothing will get done, all progress stops. It’s absolute bullshit and needs to be fixed.

    I’m so angry. I’ve been angry for days and I have nothing to relieve me. NOTHING. Mark has made me look a fool for the last time, claiming the whole time I lived at his house that we were never a couple, and now he’s actually trying to convince me that I didn’t ask about how he felt regarding me moving out, which is an utter lie. It breaks my heart that we can’t be together, he said he wouldn’t even consider it until I’ve been sober for a year. I won’t be giving him updates on my sobriety any longer. He’s called me out for being a bitch to him and at first, I didn’t understand given that that’s not my M.O. Now I just don’t fucking care about his feelings, I truly don’t believe he has any and I pray to God that my daughter never EVER romantically encounters someone as manipulative as her father. Fuck him. With every ounce of hatred within me, I give it all to him.

  • Hooky for Me

    I’m playing a bit of hooky today. My boss has been out with a stomach bug for the last three days so I figured maybe I could take some time off to unpack my room. I’ve been sleeping on my old bed which has been officially moved from Mark’s to Mum’s. All of my belongings (except for my closet of clothes) were moved over on Monday. I feel a bit lighter knowing all of my things are in one place now and looking back, I realize that I’ve been moving around this crummy little town for the past ten years, a lot within the last seven. Since Vivian has been born, I’ve moved eight times in her little life. It’s time that I stay put until something big happens, like a significant job change that requires a move (never gonna happen), an inheritance (don’t hold your breath), or something else.

  • Feeling Behind in Every Direction

    I haven’t disclosed this, maybe, I don’t know, but I’m really struggling with my finances. I relied heavily on my annual Holiday “stipend” from Dad but he didn’t send anything last year. I haven’t called him out on it but I’m shocked. It’s not his fault that absolutely 100% of my money is tied up in Cash Advances. I’ve been participating in this awful scheme pretty much the entire time that I’ve been working at my job. I’ve never had a chance to completely enjoy the fruits of my labor. Today, my whole direct deposit debacle took over. I opened a new checking account with a different bank under the guise that I would hook up my paycheck to the account and receive a free three hundred dollars. Well I had done this at the beginning of the holiday season and didn’t want my money to be dicked around with so I waited until the first of the year. I guess this took too long to hook up because the checking account closed and now my check is in paper form. Even after depositing my check, I’m currently one hundred and twenty in the negative and still have bills to pay. I have no money. I’m scared that I won’t be able to do this much longer, I’m pissed that I’m even in this position to begin with. I’m waiting for one measly little W-2 from a company that I worked with for about a week and then totally burned the bridge. They couldn’t care less if I have my W-2 or not. I don’t have the balls to call them and ask and I’m considering just pushing my taxes through because I desperately need this money. If I’m audited and penalized, then I’m audited and penalized. I had all of these dreams of how I’ll spend my taxes but they’re pretty much spent on prior annoyances. No tattoos or extravagant vacations for me. I fucked myself over in the future BIG TIME. I don’t get to plan things because I never have the money. It makes me so irritated. I can’t reach out to my parents, they’ll just give me that look and shake their heads in disappointment. Once I have my taxes, I’ll be able to breathe again, for a little while anyway.

    Mark is trying to change the child watching duties after I asked him to change the child duties. Let me explain:

    With my move out of his house, I’m realistically trying to see how our time will be spent with Vivian. The schedule is that I have her from Saturday night after work until I drop her off at School on Thursday morning. He has her from Thursday after school until I pick her up Saturday evening after work. This left me no time to myself, not a single night of no work, no parenting, no setting-an-alarm. So I asked to pick her up on Sundays. 

    He suggested that I pick her up at 11am on Sunday. 

    Asshole. 

    I negotiated to 12pm on Sundays but I’ll probably push the limits there. 

    Today he came at me with how he doesn’t have a night just to himself, no work, no parenting, no setting-an-alarm. He suggested that I keep her on Thursday nights. So that would mean I’m basically the school parent, caring for her Sunday night through Friday morning, and he gets to be the fun weekend Dad. Plus, he’s still insisting that we continue to pay for the after school care even though I told him that I would take care of it. I still have to drop by his house after work on Wednesday AND Thursday to pick her up and I don’t want to do that. Ultimately, I love spending time with Vivian and will never say no, however I do need time to collect myself after the world (and occasionally Viv’s behavior) has chewed me up and spat me out. 

    This whole move is creating a wedge between he and I. I’ve never really asked him how he felt about me moving out. After doing so today, he said he didn’t have any feelings. At the end of the day, we’re negotiating the memories that we make and the time that we spend with her. It’s so precious and is truly the reason why I’m moving in with Mum again. 

    We only have so much time. 

    I think about that when it comes to Dad too. He and I don’t spend nearly enough time together. He’s constantly out trying to chase a relationship. Gee, I wonder where I got that wonderful trait from? I wasted my twenties chasing romantic relationships and my thirties chasing a specific person that refuses to love me like he did back in 2015. Wow, that was over ten years ago now. I wish I had that youth back, I would do so many different things. Invest in myself, love myself, treat myself way better. 

    There is no Time Machine. 

    Out of morbid curiosity, I thought I’d ask Mark if he considered us a couple. His response was “I would have to say no”. Blunt, straightforward. It cut like a knife. It really ruined my evening. Running out of gas in his neighborhood while angrily driving away from a planetarium show that I couldn’t locate was the cherry on top of the evening. I hope me moving out is a huge blow to his ego. I really hope that if he’s moving on, that she won’t be able to stand him after two months. I’m so angry at his response and I hope that my silence is killing him. The old me would get drunk and fire back texts that I’d have to apologize for later or go on dating apps to try and find a boyfriend to distract myself from the fact that I can’t be with someone who has really hurt me. Why do I even want to be with him in the first place? He’s the father of my child. That’s it. He doesn’t make me happy, we’re not interested in the same things, he’s an insensitive jerk, he’ll say one thing and expect another. It’s really unfortunate that our daughter is starting to like him more and more, but oh well. 

    I don’t anymore. 

    I need to get my belongings out of his house, he needs to get his family’s things out of my storage unit. I need to schedule childcare just for his afternoon pick up and insist that I’ve made arrangements for Wednesday so I don’t have to go to his house. I never want to step foot in his house again. Breakfast on Friday mornings? Fuck off. Feeling a bit randy and sending a “poke poke”? Ignored. I won’t be treated this way any longer. If we’re not in a relationship, then I won’t be sleeping with him. I won’t be traveling to Disneyland with him and Vivian, in fact, I’d like to take her during a trip to California this year or next. I won’t even bother telling him about it, we’ll say it was an impromptu day trip. Fuck him. He told my Mum years ago when she asked if we were getting back together, that I hadn’t really changed anything in order for us to do so. I have finally stopped drinking and this is how he’s treating me. I will stop being friendly in texts. He doesn’t get the privilege of knowing when six months or a year of sobriety has happened for me, he doesn’t get to know me like that anymore. I’m so furious that I’ve wasted so much of my life chasing him, having his fucking child. I absolutely hate him with every fiber of my being. We are so never getting back together.

    Running out of gas is such a childish problem. Children run out of gas, testing the limits of their car. It’s only happened twice in my life, tonight was one of them. And I couldn’t have ran out of gas in a worse neighborhood.

  • The Big Move Back

    I return to work tomorrow and am not looking forward to it, but it is what it is. There’s a lot of stress this week at work but also at home because I’m officially moving back into Mum’s flat. The movers load my truck on Monday. I’m moving back into the “big room” and essentially sharing it with Vivian. I’m looking forward to it, to be honest. I’m disappointed when Mum drinks but I’m not going to distance myself from her anymore. We need each other and I only have so much time with her. It’s lonely at Mark’s which can be nice but I like being in Mum’s life and having her in mine. She has her quirks, I do too, so does every one else. I need someone to push me in life, hold me accountable for things like learning to cook and showering. Anyway, I’ll feel less stressed when I’m not living in two different houses, my room and Viv’s won’t be a constant mess. The room is a really nice space with blackout curtains for those mornings where I get to sleep in. I’m getting a substantial return back and buying furniture for her and I again. I’m helping with the cost of a new couch and a treadmill too. Thinking about it now, I’m making too many promises with this tax return. I’m still shocked that my Dad didn’t send me a Christmas gift. Nothing for Viv either. It’s rude and I wonder if he did it on purpose.

    Yesterday, I took Viv to my work so we could swim. I stupidly assumed that it was open swim after 1pm however that’s only on the weekends. When we got there, the pool was lonely. It was adults only and adults with kids under 5. I checked with the lifeguards, they were cool with it but I knew if I didn’t work there (and bring the aquatics team free pizza occasionally), they would have turned us away. I’m so bad at stuff like that, checking the time, confirming the address. I need to work on that. 

  • MomLife Woes

    Today was an incredibly rough day with Vivian and looking back, my mother didn’t make it any easier. Viv was being impatient and acting bratty and spoiled. We bought her a doll anyway but now mum is withholding it and taking away things like bubbles from the bath because I’m incapable of punishing her which is why she acts so spoiled around me, ugh!