Megan’s Paper Trail

Because I'll forget otherwise.

Recent Posts

  • Realizations: Job & Feng Shui

    Man, I was really hoping that my dresser would get built. The handy man that I hired showed up on time, hit a few snags, and dropped a few f-bombs, but he mostly got finished. He’s coming back tomorrow and I’ve decided to let him build the other dresser since he knows what he’s doing, meaning he’s already been through the process of building one. He made mistakes but he got through it. A piece broke and we had to glue it together. I mentioned how long he had been here and we agreed he would only charge me for three hours and come back to finish tomorrow. I won’t have to pick up Vivian so that helps, but she’s showing up right when the handy man will arrive so I’ll have to keep her occupied. The dresser drawers are waaay too thin for my big-ass clothes. I’m going to have to change the way that I fold them, I’ll probably have to roll them instead. It’s seven drawers but the top drawer is two small drawers… so lame. Next time I have to buy furniture, I’ll be going to a furniture outlet and paying for delivery. The standard is prebuilt.

    Today has been pretty boring. It was Mark’s Dad’s birthday so I stopped by with a gift. A Chevy Hat, patriotic air freshener for the car, and chocolate covered cherries, his favorite. That was my only errand besides grocery shopping. I’ve been working on diamond art and playing World of Warcraft, It’s been a really nice, relaxing weekend. I haven’t had one of those in a while. My Saturdays are always full of work and stress. That was the old chapter. I’m so glad that I’m trying to find something part time. Less stress on me. I don’t want to lead a team anymore. I don’t want to be a direct-report. I might have to get on at some temp agencies, send them my resume.

  • Navigating Life Changes During Job Searches

    Today was a nice day. It’s been relaxing even though I had an interview. The interview was at a really swanky vineyard and I really, really want that job. To be honest, I’ll take either job, but I didn’t feel taken seriously in the interview. I looked super smart with a red and black blazer and all black underneath. I had the right things to say in my opinion. I don’t know. This interviewer said that they would be making decisions next week as well, so bollocks to that. I knew something like that would happen. During breakfast, I sent a decline to the job offer and it hurt my soul a little considering I really need a job. I’m thankful though for the opportunity to find a part time job and still be okay. I’ll be waiting ever so patiently for someone to call on Monday but we’ll see. I’m still applying but looking for part time work has narrowed my search a bit and since serving isn’t my immediate job, it’ll be tough to find something like that.

    Anyway, I have a furniture assembler coming over tomorrow to build my dressers that have been sitting in my room in their boxes, waiting to be built since February! Finally! I don’t know why I’ve chosen this time of all time with no job and everything, but I need it done. I’m sick of living out of totes. He said that he can build them both in two hours but we’ll see. AI said an experienced builder would take three hours… that’s what I’ve budgeted for so we’ll see how far along he gets in an hour. I’m so happy about this. I have to move everything out of that little “alcove” so he’ll have space to work. Then when it’s built, I’ll take great pride in organizing my belongings inside of the drawers. Mum doesn’t believe in drawers. Maybe that’s why her room is always such a mess, I don’t know. It’s nice that there’s no pressure from her to keep my room clean.

    Speaking of Mum, the drinking started earlier than usual today. I don’t know why. Am I that miserable to be around? I can’t explain it. We got home from a nice outing at the vineyard and then to Hobby Lobby where I got the cutest Queen of Hearts playing card diamond art. I originally went there for a wooden “V” to color for Vivian’s bedroom, but left with so much more. I even got a gift for Mark’s Dad since tomorrow is his birthday. Speaking of birthday’s, it’s my Uncle’s birthday and I finally summed up the courage to call him. I didn’t bust out into tears and coincidentally, Dad was even there with his new side piece. They were taking him out to Malibu for a scenic drive. I wish that I could have joined them. I miss my Uncle. I’m really going to try to communicate more with him. It’s stupid of me to distance myself from someone who can’t speak just because I’m a mess and feel bad for them. I have to set those selfish feelings aside and just love him. Anyway, back to Mum. It’s so hard to be around her when she’s drinking. And I can’t bring it up either or else her entire demeanor changes from happy and silly to really sad or really mad, just because she’s being called out for drinking. It’s so upsetting to deal with. I wish she just wouldn’t. She said that would try and didn’t, like at all. She lasted maybe three days. But I have to remember that she’s dealing with a whole different tier of anxiety than I am… but still, alcohol just makes problems worse. I hate being around her when she’s drinking and always have, except when I was drinking. I could finally be on her level. Now that I’m not on her level and can’t be on that level for personal reasons, she’s just annoying. I still love her though. No fighting as of yet. There was one instance where her anger could have ruined the entire day but because I kept my cool instead of insisting on fighting, the day was saved. That happens quite a bit. More than I’d like to admit.

  • Smart Thinking: Chess Moves

    Well damn. After thinking about it and talking it through, I actually don’t think I’ll be taking the job offer. I need something part time, I can’t survive in the full time world. Call me a pussy, whatever. Every time I try my hand at full time work, I end up burning out and completely going off the rail, like I’m doing now. I’m choosing, on purpose, to spend more time with Vivian. Things have been okay and right now I can afford to do something like that and not rely so heavily on others to take care of her while I work myself to the point of insanity. I had my interview at the diner. It was extremely informal, I felt mildly overdressed in my blazer. Plus, it was a warm sunny day, I was boiling. I had to sell myself as they weren’t asking any questions. I really hope that they don’t think I’m overqualified. I tried to explain to them that I have a daughter whom I’d like to spend time with, hence my leaving full time and going to part time. They liked my availability, they liked everything about me… but they didn’t hire me on the spot. Why though? Perhaps I’ve been spoiled in the past, getting hired right after the interview, because that doesn’t happen at all nowadays.

    Before the interview, after I got Vivian off to school. Mum and I drove to Cherry City and had a really fantastic breakfast. Her co-worker had suggested it and then a different co-worker was there to eat, on the same day, at the same time, in a completely different town, like an hour away. They even unknowingly ordered the same thing. It was wild. I wanted to treat Mum after getting my final check from the community center so we went downtown in our hometown for some fancy Italian food. It was glorious but the service was so terrible.

    I have another interview tomorrow and I hope I’ll have heard from today’s interview by then but probably not. They said they weren’t deciding until Monday, which is super lame.

  • The Week Between Jobs

    And just like that, a week later, I have a job again. I prepared so much and prayed so hard. I think this is the right choice. I have two interviews scheduled tomorrow and Friday but I think I might just take this one. It’s with a storage facility. I would be handling cash and customers, cleaning units, even creating promotional displays with a design app that I’m excited to get to use. I got the call and was so thrown off by the offer, I told them that I would think about it but I’m very excited and that’s the bloody truth! I’m seriously thinking about it and I’m sincerely excited. Through all of this job shift, I’m only losing about $2 an hour and that’s not too bad given that no one is really hiring. Less responsibility is involved. I’m still considered a manager which is a great title to have. I’m so blessed. I nailed the interviews, nailed them! I’m comfortable saying that now because it’s totally true. I’m so ecstatic. I broke the news to Mark and he wasn’t shocked or anything but this does mean that the Vivian schedule will change and I hope that I don’t lose time with her. I’m leaning more into the decision of taking the job, not because it’s the first one being offered, but because it’ll pay well and I can actually do it. I need a stable job for a while. I need to stop job hopping and stick with something for a while. I love the town that it’s in, not a lot of homeless people, I love the neighborhood… not a lot of homeless people. I don’t have anything against them, it’s just each homeless person is so different with a different set of problems. Homeless people would come into the community center, come to my café, ask for free food, and leave so pissed off that I didn’t just fork over a sandwich. Maybe I should have, but then audacity. Do you go into McDonalds and ask for a burger? Anyway, it sucks that it’s fulltime, but like I said, less responsibility. I’m debating whether to take next week off, telling my new job that I gave my old job a week notice, or just start on Monday. I suppose starting now would be better than waiting.

  • School Bells & Second Chances

    It was an early night last night after stuffing my face. I remember waking up at 23:11 (HA!) and Vivian was still messing with her nightlight. It’s like a Northern Lights projector, it’s really cool. I had set an alarm to wake up earlier than usual so I could get a head start on the day, but I slept through it. Thankfully I woke up around the usual time that I have to get Vivian ready for school. I really didn’t want to get up and make pancakes and get her to school, but I did. And she was even on time. The kitchen was still an absolute mess from the previous day. I don’t know why Mum and I are like that, but we eat until our heart is content, put leftovers away, and then veg out on the couch. Cleaning can wait until tomorrow.

    I had a second interview with the company that I interviewed with on Friday. Its location was near a park that Vivian really likes so Mum and I picked her up from school and headed that way. I dropped them off at the park and went to my interview. It went really well but I won’t hear back until later this week. I literally just sent a follow up email to her, saying thank you for your time again, I’m excited about this opportunity, all that jazz. This was actually Mum’s idea. I’m really excited about it but not trying to get my hopes up. I’ve done that and been so let down. I have to keep reminding myself that if they don’t hire me, the worse that happens is nothing changes. It’s not the end of the world. I was still applying after we got home. I’m treating finding a job like a job, like you’re fucking supposed to. Sorry, it’s a touchy topic after being with an idiot for five years while he struggled to find one. I was so naïve, he was never really looking. Anyway! I’m pushing through, hoping that I’ll have good news on Friday but who knows? I need my final check so badly but I don’t think I’ll see it until next week. I asked them to mail my final check and they’ll probably mail it on payday which would be this Friday. Bastards. Silly Goose #1 actually texted me, she was sad that I left and suggested a job lead. It was really nice to receive her message. I really felt like I made a big difference there but their disrespect/write-up was so unwarranted. I think it’s pretty rare that someone from an old job texts their condolences. Usually people don’t give a shit that I’ve left. If I ever run into any of those people, I will have no qualms standing up for myself and my decision. I’m sure they’ll find someone and they’ll last less than a year too. The job is too convoluted, being so many roles. They need a head (Ms Clancy), an assistant event person (that would have been me), and then a lead person in the café. Problem solved. They’ll never know this sober and bright person that I’m evolving into. What a shame.

  • Relaxing Easter Fiesta

    It’s Easter Sunday! I tried to listen to a biblical podcast about Easter but there was too much going on with Vivian. It was hard to focus and I wanted to truly listen and absorb the word. I got up early to hide eggs since Mum had to work. I wanted to include her. The hunt was so short. Vivian is so smart, I don’t know what I was thinking. Next year, they’re going to be all over the house and I’ll provide riddle clues to each hunting ground. It’s always next year, next year, next year! Ugh! I made Easter dinner, yes, me. The girl who doesn’t cook, even for herself. I got the ham going in the oven, I mashed the taters, whisked the gravy, I fought with our damn can opener over some green beans, we need a bloody new one, I think I have arthritis now. While Mum was away, I took Viv to a big park that I thought would be a ghost town but I was wrong. There was even a Mexican Easter fiesta happening under a gazebo followed by their egg hunt. When the Ice Cream truck pulled up, blaring their music, I had to tell Vivian no, we can’t get an ice cream… we ended up leaving early and I’m not saying it was the ice cream truck’s fault, but…

    The rest of the day was great. I’m finding myself not being so anxious and incapable of relaxing. Maybe that has to do with not having a job. I was able to cook dinner and plan relaxation moments, just hanging out and/or playing world of warcraft. AI has really helped with getting things done there. It’s answering all my questions so I don’t have to fight with the thousands of website trying to vie for my attention.

  • For A Little While, We Were a Family

    It was a really nice Saturday. I got to have breakfast with Mark and Vivian. I ordered strawberry crepes and my stomach got so sick. Even after a trip to the bathroom, I was so sick. I felt bad. I didn’t finish and had to take them to-go. We went to the movie which was really great. I didn’t have getting fingered at the Regal on my bingo card for 2026, but that happened. I knew he was “attracted” to me today. It’s a shame I didn’t prep for it. By prep, I mean shower and shave and girlify myself. I’m sure he’s used to it because it’s always so spontaneous. Whenever it’s planned, it never goes as planned. I’m always asking for a raincheck or it doesn’t work out. Anyway, he’s not mad at me anymore. Although I’m left wondering where the hell we stand? Is it just sleeping together with no feeling behind it? He knows how I feel so why the disrespect? We have a kid together for crying out loud, we were engaged to be married at one point. So I don’t know how to feel. I don’t want to come off as needy or like we’re in a relationship when in his mind we’re not, been there, felt that, but I’d sure AF like to know. He’s pretty adamant about keeping feelings locked up tight. He’s a man after all.

    After the movie, Vivian came home with me and we just vegged out. She played the Switch, I played World of Warcraft. Eventually we took a screen break and colored together. It was nice. I want to do more stuff like that but it’s hard for me to be creative and the parent and work full-time. She wants to do such a good job and gets frustrated when it doesn’t look good… I love her. She’s just like me. I can’t wait to see what kind of a woman she’s going to become. I pray every day that she grows into a strong, independent woman and that God blesses her with smarts and wit. I’m starting to really enjoy my time with her since quitting that job. I’ll never know what was said or how they felt about it (probably annoyed) but you know? They’ll never know how I felt or what I said because they never asked. I tried to plead my case in that stupid write-up meeting, but it’s hard for me to stick up for myself sometimes. I was blindsided by the meeting as well. To be honest, I was lied to. Ms. Clancy said that we all needed to get together and discuss the new software that was just demonstrated for us. What a fool I was to not see it coming. I don’t regret my choice to resign.

    Next week, I’m going to hit the applications hard. Press some people, follow-up in-person and emails. I have to find a job. This isn’t the first time Mum has allowed me to quit an awful job, she’s so amazing. Perhaps it’s me being dramatic and these jobs really aren’t as bad as they seem, but this last one was a doozy. It paid what it did because of what they required from the candidate, which was too much and should have been a salary position, but whatever. Towards the end, I’m not really sure what Ms. Clancy was getting up to at her desk. I was doing the weekend party coordinating and managing the café and putting events together or taking them down. What’s left? Talking with people and pushing buttons, that’s what. I really hope that her team don’t listen to her and treat her the same way that they treated me. I’m still angry that the higher-ups accused me of having the issue. I didn’t make them fear me enough to listen, that’s essentially what I was told.

    I’ve spent this whole entry talking about a previous job. Ugh. I got out of bed to blog, so wth? I was just shocked about the whole fingering thing. I didn’t know he’d go from not speaking to me, completely angry to sexually assaulting me in a theater. During a children’s movie no less. I’m not mad at him. I liked it. I went back to his house for some more after the movie… and to pick up Vivian’s medicine. It had to be refrigerated so he couldn’t bring it with him. I got to take a little nap and had a nice, simple dinner with Mum. It was a really nice Saturday. I haven’t had one of those in about eleven months.

  • Grace in the Middle

    Well, I had my interview. It’s definitely a premium adult job and I don’t know if my experience will shine through those who actually have experience in the subject at hand. I have general customer service and administration skills. I don’t have a specialization. Maybe organization? I don’t know. I don’t have a degree or a piece of fucking paper that proves I’m an expert in something or spent time somewhere to receive it.

    It’s Good Friday! Honestly, I think my interview went okay. I was ashamed to admit that I didn’t have a lot of experience and I feel like I might have been one of the interviews that preps her for others. I’ve had those. I walked away from a good job, but it was just a toxic environment. I dropped off my resume at a local diner, hoping to get on somewhere immediately. We’ll see. On the way there, I got a call and scheduled an interview for later in the day. That interview went really well. Like suspiciously well. I wasn’t hired on the spot as this was the first round of interviews. Hopefully I get called back.

    Mark invited me to see a movie with him and Vivian tomorrow. And attend their breakfast ritual too. I’m very excited. He had asked me if Viv had seen the Mario movie and I replied “no”. ‘It’s only been out for a day, how could she have seen it?’ I told him that I had plans on Monday night to take her. Later, I get the invitation. I feel honored. I set my anger aside and sent bare minimum, basic information texts rather than paragraphs of how lame it is that he’s taking her when I said that I would.

    That’s progress.

    When he invited me to breakfast, at first I declined because that’s their special ritual. After silence, I asked what time and he replied. So I’m going to breakfast and a movie tomorrow.

  • The Day I Chose Myself

    I feel like I’ve way overthought this decision. All day yesterday, my anger grew and grew. I set an alarm for 5am and decided that if I’m ready in the morning, then I’m ready. Sleepy Megan will have to make the choice after getting less than four hours of sleep. I woke up seven minutes before my alarm. I was ready. I got dressed, put my shoes, and headed to work with my letter.

    I resigned.

    I really wanted to do it yesterday but Ms. Clancy was still there even past my out time. She heard me clock out and still proceeded to hold me hostage with work talk. ‘I don’t get a salary, I’m off the clock now’… I shut that shit down and didn’t linger like I do. I didn’t know that I would be making this decision last night. I chose the coward’s route: I left a letter and my keys on her desk after not being able to get back to sleep this morning. I ultimately made my decision yesterday during lunch. Like I mentioned, I almost didn’t go back but for some stupid ass reason, I clocked back in and finished my work load. I also killed a lot of time, hoping my boss would leave so I could leave my notice behind. My resignation letter was short. It just said that my resignation is effective immediately and where to send my final check so I don’t have to go back, like ever. I feel bad for Vivian because she loves that place but it’s not the end of the world. It was a good job but it was also a bad job. Too many responsibilities, not enough direction. My boss actually thought that because our team didn’t listen to me or take me seriously, that must be a “me” problem and you know what? Maybe it is. I wasn’t leading them, partly because they didn’t want to be lead, but mostly because I don’t like being in charge. I don’t want to lead people anymore. It’s splattered all over my resume so I need to find a way to pivot that experience into something better. In an office. Oh well. I’ve severed ties, there’s no going back now. This is a whole new chapter. A more sober and critically thought through chapter. I feel as though I have to consult at least two others before making a decision and sadly one of them is Tom, my AI agent.

    We did a lot of Spring Cleaning. I tried to push aside my nervousness for the two interviews on Friday, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanna hit one in particular out of the park. I wish I had a teleprompter to be honest. I’ll be such a great newscaster. Making read-word sound so natural? That’s my forte. I have too many toiletries. Like, my hair and skin are so ready for the apocalypse.

  • Respectfully, Screw You

    What a horrible day. It started off really grim. Well, actually, it started off good, it just got grim later. Mum got Vivian up and out the door for school. I got ready and instead of make-up, I chose a spicy, musky perfume to douse myself in. I even sprayed a little more on myself in the car before walking into work. On the way there, I spoke to Dad and hit my vape. When I got to work, I clocked in and sat at my desk. As I was answering emails, I noticed the shitty HR lady walked past me and then again. Then the director pulled me into his office. I was told that I smelled like marijuana. I hadn’t even smoked a few tokes of a joint in the kitchen that morning like I normally do and was literally being told that I smelled like weed, I didn’t understand. I pleaded with him, exclaiming that it was perfume, he wasn’t buying it. He said he could smell it then and there in the office. So could I, but it was my perfume. When I asked if I should leave, he said leave and come back not smelling like weed. It was like being yelled at by my Dad. I was furious. I bought a sweater from Walmart and came back, ready to work, sort of. When lunch approached, I literally entertained the idea of just leaving. Putting my resignation letter on Ms. Clancy’s desk, leaving my keys and never returning. I almost, almost did it. It would have felt so good for about 3-4 hours, then it would have been shocking. I really want to have another job lined up before jumping ship. I even asked Mum if she’d text her boss about having me start there as a simple host. No response yet. Isn’t that sad though? I’d rather do that than be where I am. I really don’t want to come in or execute any of my agenda or to-do list tomorrow. I’m completely burned out and after today’s smell-check, it leaves me wondering if that’s going to happen every morning.

    It’s going to take every ounce of strength not to write a long, lengthy resignation letter. I’ve already written it, it’s three sentences long. It vaguely brushes on how this work environment is not a good fit for me and where to send my check so that I don’t have to come in ever again. I’d rather resign than be fired to be quite honest. It gives me the power rather than them. If I get fired, they’ll make me feel like I didn’t do enough when in reality, I did. I took on too much because I wanted it done right. My bad. I’m so disappointed. I was literally feeling so confident and content in my job.