Megan’s Paper Trail

Because I'll forget otherwise.

Recent Posts

  • Coping with Change: Reflections on Work and Family Life

    Last day of March.

    Wow, this month really flew by. I feel like I blogged almost every day. Like I mentioned before, I’m really enjoying pounding away at a keyboard versus thumbing my thoughts with my phone. I’m almost ready to pot everything on the internets and make it public. I just want to be able to cover the costs and have it run for at least a year. Who I’m doing it for, besides myself, I don’t know. I just want a website like that girl I discovered back in middle school. It started with a girl named Wendy in middle school. She was a really beautiful Asian girl and I followed her on AOL. She had a livejournal and I loved reading it. I knew who she was talking about, I knew how she felt, I totally related to her. I was looking through the people that she followed and it must have been the username, but I clicked on another girl’s livejournal, her name was Mya. She was so cool. She was a little older than me and she lived with her mom in Canada. She was goth and a cam-girl, she loved cats and all the same kind of music that I did. I always wanted what she had: a website that was basically her blog and an about me page and pictures of her selfies and her cam-girl shots. She would go live on cam sometimes and just hang out with other people or throw a party and invite people to watch via webcam. I remember getting a webcam for FREE from a site called bolt.com. It was like a social media before social media was a thing. You could get badges for doing playing games or taking surveys and you could link up with people from around the globe. I signed up for something and suddenly received a free webcam in the mail. I could never get to Mya’s status, but I still always wanted to build a website to show off my aesthetic. Even if it was just for me. So now, I’m finally motivated enough to do it… twenty-six years later.

    I’m pleased to announce that I have a job interview on Friday. It’s for an office position a few towns over and I really wouldn’t mind the commute to be honest. It would mostly be the interstate. I’m really excited about it and getting my hopes up for it. It’s going to make me happier in the long run if I get it, leaving my current place of employment. Do I include in my resignation letter how I need a role with more structure instead of “you get to do everything in our department all the time”? This job interview came from applying for things that I didn’t think that I would receive a call back for. I’m capable of doing the job, trust me, but I didn’t think anything would come from it. It could possibly be a way out. I barely enjoyed my days off this week. I kept dreading having to go back tomorrow. I don’t want to talk too much more about it, but I’m super-ultra-mega excited. The prospect is going to keep me happy at work for the next few days. After reading a few blogs from the past while dealing with hard times at work, I noticed that I kept saying “I’m blessed to be here” and things of that nature. Am I though? I’m not appreciated at all, the little things I do to make people’s lives easier goes under the radar, I can’t get a mini meeting with my boss to save my life. I’m so done with it. It’ll be a year of employment there and it’s sad how it took me this long to realize that the job is unfair. I really believe that I should tell them why I’m leaving but there’s a LARGE part of me that could give a flying fuck about them or their future. I ran into people from the center while picking up Vivian from her Tuesday night Youth Group. They were weird and unfriendly and it made me wonder why they were there. Go back to the crappy church/center. I never got a good vibe from the pastor that preaches there or his wife. They have been/are reluctant to be cordial with me and that’s not very Christian. The only person who would encourage me to join the church at the center where I work is the music director. She’s so nice. Her and her family who also work for the center. Other than that, looking back at my time there, everyone has been reluctant to be nice to me because my role has been filled so many times, they figure, “Why bother?” Maybe that’s contributing to the turnover. I highly, HIGHLY doubt that these people are savvy enough to think along those lines. They don’t give a fuck, they just want the job done but that totally goes against their culture and philosophy… Fuck them. Rant over.

    Tomorrow is the start of my week. It’s Easter this weekend and we dyed eggs yesterday! I’m so glad that we were able to do it at all. I feel like the last few years we haven’t because of relationship turmoil between Mum and me. I’m setting aside a lot and even confessed to Mum after she asked where I would retire. I mentioned where it would be, that she would be with me and I’m 100% okay with that. She makes me happy and her mortality strikes me, making me sad that someday I’ll lose her. Anyway! We’re going to hide ten eggs and let Vivan find them. Oh shoot. It just dawned on me that I’m going to need the reward for finding all the eggs, doy! Vivian had a lot of fun dyeing eggs, I was a little stressed. Too much caffeine. That’s been my problem a lot lately. I love the taste of this energy drink Mum found and it has 222mg of caffeine. Sometimes I’ll have two in a day or one and another power drink with over 100mg so that adds up quickly. I’ll get shit done but I’ll be an irritable bitch about it and that’s not good. It’s far better than being drunk though, I’ll definitely admit that. It’s better than sitting on my ass, blaming everyone for everything.

  • Angry Gratitude

    Yesterday was fair, I guess. I decided to go in to work an hour later so I could get my storage stuff handled before work since I couldn’t do it after or during on Friday.

    Great success!

    Still not sure about the other unit, but I do know that they will not be receiving my money. I have a picture of the empty unit. I believe that’s all the lady who emailed me to tell me that there was no lock on my unit said. I couldn’t believe that, It had been maybe three hours before I was notified. Storage unit places don’t kid around when it comes to no lock, but I figured it’s my shit: if I don’t care enough to lock it then that’s my prerogative. Mark was furious. Like, beyond rational furious. I wonder what plans I fucked up. I really felt like the scum of the Earth because of his behavior toward me. Today, if he persists with the attitude, I’m literally going to tell him to get the fuck over it. Sorry your night was ruined by having to remove and find a new home for your stuff. That feels good too: it’s my storage unit, none of his stuff remains. That’s how bad shit happens. Last time I shared a unit with someone, I lost all of my photo albums from the European years. That was such a great loss, I still grieve to this day.

    Still mad, still applying to other jobs like crazy. Absolutely no one is hiring. I’m applying for stuff I know I won’t hear back about but that doesn’t matter. You never know. Perhaps the applicant pool isn’t as glorious as I think it is. Regardless, I’m grateful to have a job but I fucking hate it. My boss was there yesterday. Her excuse was that she was “helping the kitchen” but the truth was she was concerned that I wasn’t going to show up after Friday’s two-punch to the face. Fuck her, everything was fine. There wasn’t five birthdays and a tour of the building to contend with. It was two parties and having to close the café. Easy. She wasted her Saturday essentially. Going forward, I think I may have mentioned this but it makes me feel so good to say out loud: I’m giving zero extra effort. I will stop over-caring, over-sharing, and thinking of ways to make the job easier. My job is a lot of responsibilities, I don’t have that kind of time and literally punish myself when I think about work logistics outside of work. I’m there to get a job done, not make friends or chit-chat and this includes my boss. No longer will I be listening to her long-drawn out stories from her past or even her present. I will shut that shit down with a work question and move on with my life. This is all going to be SO hard for me, it’s another job in itself, but I need to protect my sanity and this job only takes, takes, takes. The paycheck is great, the time off (holidays) is great, but recognition is like pulling teeth. Trying to schedule a meeting with anyone in the administration office is also like pulling teeth and it’s pathetic coming from a “Christian” corporation that boasts inclusivity and support. Don’t even get me started on how this corporation doesn’t actually value or respect their mission statement which is plastered all over the walls. Growth? HA! Discovery? Like, discovering how I’m doing three jobs under one job title? K. Community? That’s a fucking laugh. My daughter will NEVER step foot in that building ever again. I’ll pay $100 to swim in a town 45 minutes away before going there again. I don’t agree with anything they represent and when they blab on about Jesus and Christianity, it’s all fake. Everything is fake there, from the personalities to the support they say they have for you to the smiles to the café. I have four attendants that work in that café, two out of four would not pass a Food Handler’s test. They simply don’t care to keep the information necessary for their job in their fucking brain….

    I’m not about to ruin my fucking Sunday thinking about how awful and two-faced my place of work is. I’m working diligently to apply for something else and it has to be extremely competitive, which fucking sucks. If I’m still there by May 18th, I will not be showing up the next day. I won’t give a year of my life to a place that doesn’t respect its employees.

    I had lunch with Amber and Ruby at the potential place where I’d like to throw an engagement party for Amber. Was this a good idea? Probably not. At first, she said, “We thought how are we gonna celebrate it?” and then it turned into “it’ll just be us”. I got to see the room Mum has been talking about for banquets and such and I wasn’t impressed but a discounted venue is a discounted venue. I don’t think that Amber will go for my idea which leads me back to square one: Gather supplies and throw a birthday party that makes everyone envious.at will make all the moms envious and want to hire me.

  • Twice

    This was a really awful day.

    Like, really bad.

    I was short on time today, like all day. I needed an hour lunch to take care of business to save my stuff in storage but never got that break. There were more appointments in my schedule on a Friday than I’m comfortable with. I had to leave early just to make it happen. We had four interviews and zero applicants showed up. That’s not a coincidence, it’s us. It’s just such a shit place to work, I truly don’t blame them. My newfound anger stems from being written up twice today.

    Two times.

    Once for abandoning my job two weeks ago when I absolutely lost my shit after having the worse day possible. Another for smoking my vape in the bathroom. The second albeit is embarrassing and shameful, completely my fault. Especially since my boss claimed that she could smell the dreaded cannabis on me while we served lunch to children. But ultimately, I’m finished working there and giving it my all. I really liked it for a good, long while but after being written up for the wrong thing and no way to plead my case, other than being pinned down in a meeting room, not knowing this was going to happen, I’m done. I’ve updated my CV and have a plan to get the fuck out. I shredded my employee engagement idea. I literally had it in draft form as an email, but then our meeting happened. I deleted my countdown to a year working there, I threw away my name badge. Fuck that place and everyone that works there. I’m a really nice person and it sucks to hear that every single person in my department threw me under the bus. Feeling unsupported, I’ve decided to leave. I will be gone by my one year anniversary. What a waste of fucking time. Going forward, I will not be giving it 110% like usual. People will receive no smiles, just business. I’m a really fun person and this blow to my ego really hurts. My job doesn’t deserve the effort that I give. And I know that sounds entitled, but they’ve fucked me over for the last time.

    I appreciate that I’m part of the hiring process by being present in the interviews, but my voice isn’t heard. That’s why we’ve been through so many silly gooses. It’s quite ironically silly when you think about it. I think Ms. Clancy is starting to understand that the HR lady that has such a huge say in who gets hired and who doesn’t, does not have a good judgment of character. She may have experience but she has made some bad calls. She is one of those busy-bodies, who owns a Cricut crafting machine and 3D printer and custom makes everything from multicolored tchotchkes to the resin-ated nameplate on her desk. I wish I was like that, honestly. I’m trying to be with my different hobbies. Regardless, she’s a fucking bitch and I pity anyone who comes in contact with her professionally.

  • The Adventures of Hair Oiling & Saving Money

    I’m on a mission to save my money. My storage unit cost has gone up for the last time. I have so much space in my unit that I’m not using and a lot of it is Mark’s. After a quick search, I settled on a new storage facility, one that I’ve used before. They were having a great deal on a unit inside one of their buildings that was pretty much $100 less than what I’m paying now. I’ll only be losing five feet so it’s not a big deal. My current storage won’t prorate rent for me so I have to be out by Saturday night. I don’t have a chaotic mess of a unit, everything is in totes and most likely labeled. Mark has his pile to contend with and I have mine. I’m so happy that I jumped on this as soon as I did. I was budgeting and realized how ridiculous it is that my storage unit costs almost the same as my car insurance. And a third of the stuff stored isn’t even mine. So I’m making it happen. I love how I feel about things now. Confident and capable instead of hopeless and out of ideas.

    With the new move to storage, I’ll still have space to store things when my business takes off. I don’t want to talk too much about it for fear of jinxing myself, but I’m excited about this endeavor. I’m trying my hand at being self-employed. I love my job, but I don’t like the people that I work with (no offense geese) and my boss is a wonderful person with a lot to learn from, but let’s just say the reason she was still working while I left on time today is because she likes to socialize and doesn’t choose her battles well. Perhaps there’s more going on behind the scenes that I’m not privy to, but the head of department needs to be more accessible. I’m still going to try and suggest my idea of the Midyear gift exchange. The timeframe is coming up in a couple of months and if I talk to her about it now, I’ll get the go ahead and not even bother her about it. And then, when it’s successfully pulled off, I’ll suggest a different job title. An extension of Human Resources. I have an action plan going forward if they like this idea. I just have to sell it to them and if I don’t seem that excited about it, how the heck are they supposed to be? My boss just seems ultra busy all the time and never has time to chat with me about things that actually matter. I wish we had a weekly or bi-weekly meeting where we can address things properly rather than a rundown of things when she sees me. Anyway, enough about work.

    I did my hair-oiling thing last night before an “almost everything” shower  and my hair feels so incredible today. I don’t know why I gave it up. That whole “living at Mum’s but my stuff was at Mark’s” was really frustrating for me, mentally and emotionally. I gave up a lot of hobbies, things that I was interested in. I know that people evolve and give up certain things, but I gave up my current interests in exchange for sitting on the couch and  watching TV… which is exactly what Mum is doing right now. I’m trying to better myself, by investing in hobbies and stimulating myself with projects. I know she’s got twenty years on me but I was hoping that some of this mentality would rub off on her. You are who you hang out. Oh well. I finally got all of my projects written on paper, with each of their corresponding steps to get them accomplished or to remain busy when I’m thinking to myself, ‘what should I do?’. I’m moving forward with my business. I’m not asking for permission. I’m acquiring things when I can pay for them, but ultimately this will be my business and I never thought that I would say that. I still need a lot, it’s more than just creating things with AI, it’s actually delivering what’s promised, in a professional and elevated way. I’m excited and only wish that I was more responsible with money, then I would have more to contribute to the start of something big.

  • A Day Off: Juggling Kids and Personal Time

    I set up a day for myself with Vivian going to a Day Care camp at a Christian community center. I just wanted a day of no being a mom, no working, just doing what I want to do. I woke her up, I made her waffles, she got to choose her outfit (which was super cute), we get to the center, suddenly, she gets shy. I try to coax her out of the car with exciting things happening for her that day. When we learned that they wouldn’t be swimming today, she knew, I knew, we both knew that she wasn’t going to last, but I dropped her off anyway. Not an hour later, the head of the camp is calling me, asking what she should do after telling me the ways she tried to redirect Vivian’s anger. Apparently she just kept saying that she didn’t want to be there. So I told her that I would be there soon. I got to a good stopping point in my project and left the house. As we’re leaving, she said “I’m never coming back here again.” There goes my summer plans for her. I was hoping to send her for a week or two during her summer break from school, but I don’t want to go through this again. She’s so moody sometimes!

    Amber got engaged yesterday. I’m happy for her because she had such a strange menagerie of relationships before finding Mr. Right. I’m trying to set my jealousy aside and capitalize on this moment for my event planning portfolio. She’s given me friendship rates for photography and I’m going to give her the same and pitch an engagement party to her. Another friend from my past is having a baby and I’ve already told her that I would love to plan it for her.

  • Relaxing River Trip

    We spent the day a few towns over, enjoying the river, eating a meal out, and watching a movie in a different theater. It was a nice experience. We didn’t have anything planned and keeping Vivian indoors all day wasn’t a good idea. Tomorrow she’s headed for a Day Care camp so I can have a day to myself. Then Wednesday we’re dyeing eggs and playing games. It should be a nice spring break. I have a feeling that her Dad just gives her the Switch and leaves the fun stuff for Friday night, Saturday morning. At least it’s consistent. She can always rely on Friday night and Saturday morning with her Dad. With me, there’s always something fun to look forward to but she nor I know when it’ll happen. I’m a little pissed that Mark has already taken her to the place we were gonna take her on her Birthday. He said that she had “mentioned it” earlier that week which I highly doubt because that doesn’t sound like her. She doesn’t even know about it. He also said it was a good idea to take her now because what if she doesn’t like it?… Okay, how about I take her to Disneyland for my Birthday, just to see if she likes it. It’s bullshit, his responses are such shit and you’ve gotta be pretty stupid to believe it. He’s so smart but his reasons for things are not and yet he expects people to take what he says at face value, like it’s always smart. Anyway, he wants to take her to the arcade after school on her birthday, but I wanna break her loose and have a Ferris-Bueller kind of day off before we even see Mark. I don’t know how I’ll pull that off since I wanna do the party for her too (and for my business).

  • Successful Saturday

    Today was actually the most successful Saturday that I can recall ever happening at my work, all thanks to me and my team. Everything went on effortlessly, even Silly Goose #4 managed to keep up. We had a prep cook that works during the week come in today and she really helped me out with cooking pizzas, getting them where they needed to be, and overall kitchen cleanliness. My boss was there too but she was tethered to her desk so ultimately, everything was up to me. People even went to her when they couldn’t find me and she redirected them to me after a phone call revealed where I was. Guests were there on time, I was on task every free moment thar I had which in turn meant my team always had something to do, AND everyone got their breaks in a decent amount of time, I was proud. There was a gal who came in the previous Saturday for a tour and today was her dissertation in our event center. I was in charge of that too: putting the room together, putting out coffee and pastries, and the audio/visual; I briefly panicked when asked a question that I wasn’t expecting and called my boss for the solution, but in reality, I didn’t even need to. I would have figured it out on my own, I just hate looking stupid in front of people. It’s nice when our department looks good to the other departments. I really hope that Silly Goose #4 works out. She has a great work-ethic, but you know what? They all do when they start. She’s not necessarily a kid though, so we’ll see. Only time will tell. For now: I begin my four-day weekend with a night of drinking the spring edition of Red Bull (cherry Sakura tastes like watermelon imho) and playing World of Warcraft. I’m getting into dungeons with NPC’s at first so I don’t look like an idiot when playing with real players. I love slowly transitioning back. I love this game. I love life. I feel manic. Oh dear…

    I’m still excited about getting my own event planning business started. I keep thinking, ‘what’s next?’ and I know exactly what comes next: the process of piecing it together, the actual doing. I’m going to start collecting things for two of the packages that I have put together and throw these kinds of parties for myself and Vivian. Her birthday is in a few months and mine shortly after so I’ve got time. To my soiree, I’ll invite my besties and maybe some other people from work, it’ll be a blast! First things first though: I need to see the space I’ll be working with.

    Am I old school for choosing to listen to my favorite albums in the order of their track list? Sometimes, I’ll shuffle them around, but for the most part, I want to hear the album the way the artist intended me to. Sometimes they blend together like Queen of the Stone Age’s Songs for the Deaf, or like Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon AND/OR The Wall. I don’t care what anyone says, The Wall is telling the story of a man (“Pink”) going through war, then psychological trauma, then being judged and so much more in between. I absolutely love that album, it’s definitely in my top 20 Greatest Albums of All Time.

  • Rough Job Realization

    Today was a huge event from the morning until the afternoon. I put together the event and was responsible for tearing it down. It’s sad, but today, I’ve just settled on the fact that I am ultimately in charge of these things. My boss, Ms. Clancy, is in charge of making sure that it happens, I’m responsible for making it happen. She reaps the glory, but I go home with the wounds and self-satisfaction. The meeting that’s looming over my head remains, there was plenty of time today for it to happen and it didn’t. Perhaps Ms. Clancy sees that even though I had a rough weekend, I’m still capable of succeeding. My team was actually very helpful today and you know why? I used my voice, I delegated as much as possible, even to the new girl, Silly Goose #4, who’s on her second day and still kicking ass. She didn’t like standing still and that’s a good quality to have. The event took up our entire event center which can be broken into four rooms. After their event, we had to flip two of the rooms and I was so thankful to have help. With four people doing it rather than just one, it got done lickety-split. Looking back, it was a really productive day at work, from start to finish. People kept coming me asking me what to do and I literally hate that but understand that they must to know what’s next since I can see the big picture.

    Vivian had a rough day at school, which sucks because she’s at Mark’s until Sunday. I can’t console her and talk to her about what happened. She’s been talking negatively about herself and the adults at the school are getting concerned. It must be bad enough for them to finally say something. She says things like “I hate myself” and “I’m not good enough” (something that she got from Inside Out 2, thanks Disney). I’m assuming that when she says things like that around me that she is trying to get a rise of emotion from me. Apparently she’s the golden, happy child constantly laughing when she’s at his house. When I correct her behavior or something that she’s done, out of embarrassment, she’ll say something negative too.

  • Emotional Edge

    I finally felt some affection from my cat. He smelled my hand and then rubbed his body against it, but since then, hasn’t let me touch him. Baby steps. This is a traumatized animal and I have to take it slow. His name is Charlie by the way. He’s been meowing, apparently all day, which means that he’s lonely. Mum, myself, and one of her cats are more than happy to be a companion. I’ve been playing with him since after dinner, I love it. Finally! I was getting concerned when he hid for two days and escaped my safe room.

    As usual, I miss Viv. I dropped her off at school this morning and won’t see her until Sunday. I could pick her up on Saturday and have her for an extra day but last weekend, I thought that’s what I wanted but I really needed a break after having a mental breakdown. It’s Spring Break this week and I’ve taken time off of work to be with her so I think I’ll be picking her up on Sunday. We have to buy eggs and dye them.

    No meeting at work yet. It might happen tomorrow, but who knows? There’s a large event for the local school systems. They’re meeting, breaking into smaller groups, then having lunch, followed by a large meeting. The new girl, Silly Goose #4, started today. I was put on the spot when asked what time she could go home today. I said 4pm, but let her go half an hour early. There really wasn’t anything to do and I didn’t want to make small talk with her, no offense. That’s just how I roll. Anyway, I got there early today and therefore left early. I hope that’s not addressed

  • Wo bist meine Katze?

    Work, ugh. I was told that my boss wanted to meet with me and her boss to go over “expectations” and when I heard that, my blood began to boil. My cheeks were rosy all afternoon. Of course the meeting never happened so I must not be in trouble like I think I am. I didn’t abandon my job, it got too overwhelming and a co-worker noticed that I couldn’t handle it anymore. A lot of my frustrations from that day stem from my assistant being absolutely useless on purpose. It also stems from the fact that I’m doing the job that’s meant for two. I wonder if there are any other positions like mine in the building, multi-headed. Anyway, it made me so angry. I’m just gonna keep my head down, do my work, and get that fucking money. Fuck going above and beyond, I’m going to do what’s expected of me. This meeting will help clarify what to prioritize since there’s so much that requires my attention. It still doesn’t take care of my desire to change departments or even begin to touch on creating a new position for myself. I’m not a charismatic person that’s able to change the mind of the masses. I’m a people pleaser. And I hate having to defend myself, honestly. I do a great job in my role and only sometimes need advice on what to prioritize since there’s three different roles comprised into one.

    STILL haven’t seen my cat. I heard his meows a couple of times in the night and Mum said that she heard him running down the hall. I still don’t know what I’m going to do about him. I have to start handling him more, with my hands.