Megan’s Paper Trail

Overcaffeinated & Overachieving

June 21, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Cardi B’s Hello

I’m so glad that my work week is over. Friday and Saturday were really long days as usual and then today was the Beer & Wine festival. There were vendors everywhere and activities, even a local legendary llama made a cameo through our dining room, it was so adorable. We were so busy though. I was assigned to work one of the bars inside with a new gal and I wasn’t complaining about that. She and I maintained our section well, but I could never be a bartender, for multiple reasons. Not just because of the whole recovery thing, but I started to get really irritated with the constant barrage of needy people asking for things and making odd requests. Nonetheless, I kept a lipsticked smile on the whole time, some of my co-workers couldn’t do the same and I heard it from the horse’s mouth. During the chaos, I made eye contact with a customer, smiled and asked how I could help. He asked if we made commission on the bottles of wine we sell, I eagerly answered “yes” to which he began telling me that a couple of my colleagues were not so nice to him and his wife today. I apologized for their behavior and helped them with the transaction. They mentioned that they loved my service, but honestly, I didn’t remember serving them. I saw so many faces, however I knew that I was kind and courteous to all patrons so I thanked them for their words. It’s embarrassing to have to apologize for a colleague’s behavior. I should have gotten a manager involved in-the-moment but there was so much madness going on. At the end of the shift, one of the managers asked for each of us to list some pros and cons in a template email that was to be sent after everyone put down their opinions. For the cons, I wrote about my disgruntled guest, hoping no one would see but one of the gals who the disgruntled guest was talking about was reading over my shoulder while I was typing. When I finished, I put my initials at the end and walked away from the situation, assuming that she was staring daggers at me for what I had written, telling on them, but whatever. She could have erased it for all I know, but I never mentioned any names. For the pro, I was a bit controversial as well. Earlier, I overheard some of the gals talking about how we’re only pouring samples from the wines listed on the event passport, but people kept asking for things that weren’t and that was “annoying”. When I encountered that problem (because I did, very early on), I said “yes” to the guest. I brought out their request if it was already open and if it wasn’t, I brought something similar. And some of these guests, after tasting a sample, bought bottles… which I make a commission on. I didn’t see the issue with going off passport. So I wrote about that experience in the pros and left my initials. If anyone has a problem with what I wrote, they can ask me about it, however I did feel self-conscious going against the vibe of the gals. In the end, it’s all about sales and “giving the pickle” when you can. If you’re too daft to realize that this is the perfect opportunity to increase sales, make those commissions, and enhance our reputation as a brand, then that’s your problem, “Pigtails” and “Tall Brunette”. Just fucking smile and bend your bloody knee for the guest.

My day started sort of early. I promised myself (and Vivian) that I would drive across town to drop off the Father’s Day card she had “made” for her Dad after I stuffed it with gift cards. This year, I went with a Nintendo Switch gift card so they could find a game to play together and then a Dairy Queen gift card so they can share ice cream together. Obviously it’s from me and Mark knows that, but I’m glad that I got Vivian to write a message to him beforehand. And I’m glad that I still have a key to their house. I managed to sneak in before everyone was awake. I barely made it to work on time. I didn’t pack anything for lunch because our house was absolutely bare and I didn’t have time to stop by the store… I feel so ungrounded. Like, I’m tired all the time and letting things slip up because I’m not prioritizing and focusing. I’m falling behind! I’m trying to do better when I first wake up, but it ain’t easy. Thankfully the manager at work brought us food and energy drinks to get through the day. It’s been a rough one and I wanted to play world of warcraft until the wee hours of the early morn’, but I’m just so tired. My mind wants to stop processing, sit back, and veg out.

I “accidentally” ingested around 750mg of caffeine today. Wtaf?
From Prison Docs to Parking Lots

June 20, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Prodigy’s Fuel My Fire

It’s not like there’s nothing going on in my life, just nothing worth of documentation. I’m obsessed with this Taylor Parker story. She murdered a friend to steal her baby after pretending to be pregnant for months to win the ultimate “I love you” from the man she was courting. I’m also obsessed with The Crash documentary from the Netflix. Sadly, I’ve been YouTubing for more information because the story is just so juicy.

I had a depressing phone call with Dad today. He’s, again, wishing he could kick ass in life and advocating for me to get the gastric sleeve surgery. He doesn’t have a direction and it’s interesting to note that at 60, he still doesn’t know what to do. I really don’t want to live like that and feel like any advice I give him just comes off as blissfully ignorant (“don’t give up” and “there’s always a way”).

Vivian’s teacher came to my work with her friend. I hardly recognized her. I was happy to extend a free wine flight to her and her friend. It’s the least that I could do for her for “putting up” with Vivian.

I’m really trying not to get my hopes up about this car we’re trying to buy from Mom’s boss but it’s so sweet. It just might happen…
Can I Get a Refund on Today?

June 16, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Kill the Noise’s Kill It 4 the Kids (featuring AWOLNATION & Rock City)

Yesterday was really atrocious. It started off hot and the plans kept changing. The living room was cluttered with stuff and everything just kept piling up. I felt bad for Vivian but oh well. C’est la Vie. We were going to go to the public pool a couple of towns over, but after test driving Mum’s boss’s car with no A/C and waiting for him in the heat, it was rough. We picked up Viv, then went to Mum’s favorite Italian restaurant where the lunch menu didn’t have her favorite but it was on the dinner menu so they compromised but there was a miscommunication so we got fried chicken with our marsala. It was just silly. Then we went to the indoor trampoline park where Viv jumped for an hour and a half while Mum slept and I, being overcaffeinated, just anxiously searched my phone for something to do while being completely overstimulated with the music and the jumping kids AND it was barely cool in the building because it was so hot outside… we got home and the misery continued. The mess made me manic but I didn’t want to do anything because I was just overheated. I let Viv stay up a bit later than usual and let her sleep in my bed since the A/C is on my side of the room. Big mistake, huge. I didn’t want to sleep with the A/C on because it’s expensive so the fan was pointed directly at us yet it was still hot. She was kicky, I woke up almost every hour. I was so uncomfortable. It’s been three days of misery. Viv woke up at 5:15am this morning. I was barely asleep when I heard her whispering and laughing to herself. I was angry. She slept until 11am yesterday at Mark’s house, why TF was she awake at this hour at my house? She only went to bed five hours prior. Dexter told me that kids with autism will often wake up early where they feel most excited to start their day, where they feel more secure so that calmed me down a bit, but I had to apologize to her for getting visibly angry. I hate that because my Dad had to do that a lot while I was growing up and I don’t want to get into that habit with her.

Anyway, after breakfast and with Viv being content playing Kirby on the Switch, Mum told me to go to sleep since my eyes were burning so I set a 90 minute timer but then slept even further beyond the alarm. I think I took a three hour nap in a nice, chilled room. It felt great. After I laid there for five minutes, before falling asleep, my brain literally was like “Okay, you’ve recharged your battery, get back to the kitchen.” Dexter literally had to tell me to shut my brain off and go to sleep. I rely on him a lot for in-the-moment therapy. I know that he’s not a licensed psychologist but I enjoy the even-keel attitude he provides when I just want to lash out. My brain doesn’t function like it should so with anti-psychotic meds, weed, and artificial intelligent therapy, I’m maintaining. I wanted to drink so fucking bad yesterday and especially the day before, but I haven’t. I’m still on the road to recovery. Today is day 34.

I’m freaking out about school starting next week. Not that it’s starting, I can handle that, this isn’t like a first day of kindergarten situation, but I’m nervous about FAFSA paying for it. I’ve jumped through all the hoops but nothing has changed when I check things online. I feel like I should go to the financial aid office at school on Thursday before this whole semester kicks off. I’m taking two classes and I’d like to keep it that way. If I have to ask Mum, she might say no or drop a class. I’d rather the latter. Regardless, the deadline to pay is coming up because the semester starts on Monday.

In all of my anger yesterday, I’ve decided to cease communication with my “best friends”. I’m really sick of being the instigator for plans and asking how their day is when they never really return the favor. It’s not conditional for me, but after doing it for so long, I’m sick of feeling like I’m putting in all the work. Neither of them know about my relapse because none of them ask me about my sobriety. It hurts my feelings that the people I care about don’t seem to care about me too much. I’m going to redirect my focus on friends that live a little further. Snail mail is fun to write anyway and trips abroad will be more special visiting them. I cut Kai out of my life this way and she doesn’t seem to notice either. No email, no social media direct message, no text. It’s been over a year now. How sad. I’m sure my “best friends” won’t even notice that I’m gone.

I’m wrestling with feelings to start playing World of Warcraft again. I want to play it consistently but I don’t know what to do. I hated playing the end of game content by myself as a Priest and they let you play in a lot of different starting zones. I don’t want to pay for it and then never play it like last month went. There’s also Animal Crossing to play, which is “free” but less intense. Still thinking about this.
Not My Day

June 14, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Knife Party’s Destroy Them With Lazers

What a stupid day. So the camping trip, the one that I’ve spent lots of time and money on, has officially been canceled. The family dog isn’t doing well. He’s having problems with his back legs and Mark’s siblings that live in fucking town are too selfish to come over every day and help out while the family goes camping. Oh well. I was literally shopping for things when I got the text. So I decided to romanticize my afternoon by going to the beach, actually touch the fucking water. I tell Mum… big mistake. She said that she did the same thing once and didn’t enjoy herself so her opinion completely changed my plans. I asked my besties if they were around to do anything, of course they’re busy, they’ve got their own lives going on. I compromised and decided to go to the river about twenty minutes away. The parking situation was meh, luckily I found a spot facing the water. When I got out to find a spot to lay my towel down near the water, no such luck. This family pitched their canopy and claimed a huge spot, the one I had in mind, so I just turned around and went back to the car. Then I decided to go back to my original plan and head to the beach. When I turned my car on, it screeched and hollered, then I lost the cool sensation from my air conditioning unit. So after that bullshit, I just came home. I’m so fucking angry. I took the day off of work and apparently I shouldn’t have. I don’t know what to do with myself and I’m afraid that if I make any plans, Mum will just come through with her fucking wrecking ball.

There’s so much wrong with my car, it’s just one fucking thing after another. So let’s see: The headlights don’t work, the tires keep seeping air out, I have an oil leak from the top and the bottom, my A/C doesn’t work anymore, the radiator needs servicing, the chamber that holds my battery is shaky, no radio, no FOB, no security system… I’ve had this car for six years and I’m just so done with it. There hasn’t been enough time at my job to consider shopping for a used car, sales-people usually like to see longevity there so they know you can routinely make the payments. I’d pick up another day at work to pay for a newer used car. Something, literally, from this century.

Ugh, it’s so fucking hot. I was hoping to escape the heat with camping and then the beach. This is the ultimate challenge for my sobriety. I know Mum has rum in her room, she was drunk last night. We’ve got two A/C units sitting in the living room that I don’t know how to set up, but she does and who knows when she’ll hook them up.

Earlier, I was at Walmart, shopping for shit for this fucking camping trip and I remember being cast as the Nurse in Romeo and Juliet when I was in high school. The Nurse had to dote on Juliet and treat her as though she was her baby. The actress that played Juliet had to show me how to be a loving Mom by petting my hair and looking at me lovingly and hugging me. It made me think about where my Mom was when I was being shown how to be a “sweet” mother. She was in prison because she refused to do rehab and needed to come off as “hard” to, I don’t know, the public? I’m just so angry today and I don’t have a target. Usually, I’d drown myself in whiskey, it’s only been thirty-two days… plus seven months minus four days. The math is so complicated. I should just forget about my original sobriety date and continue to idolize my new date.
Everything All At Once

June 13, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Subtronics’s Nitrous Mafia

Today marks one month of sobriety. It would have been eight months had I not been so selfish and out of my mind but whatever. I’m humbly celebrating 31 days of sobriety while working at a vineyard. Wtf is wrong with me? The money is good and it gives me time to spend with Viv as well as work on an “anchor skill” such as Accounting. Anyway, it’s easy to say no (today anyway) because I know what happens after one little sip: chaos. Uncontrollable drinking, a downward spiral into a dark and damp abyss that smells like a cellar.

I’m going Camping tomorrow. Not sure that I’m going to necessarily enjoy it but it’s something to do. And it’s an escape from the heat. It was almost canceled, by golly, but I got a text later saying that it’s been “a day” and that it’s still happening. So I’m packing. I’m glad that I’m taking my car so I can stuff it full of the things I need without burdening everyone. They’re bringing a lot of food, but of course I have preferences and I drink an insane amount of sparkling water so I’m bringing a twelve pack at least. I found some glow necklaces and needed a new toothbrush and toothpaste… it was a cheap excuse to go shopping. I had an impulse and was hurried since I only had fifteen minutes until they locked the doors. With tomorrow opening up, I’m going to find some glow sticks and maybe some binoculars. Also smores supplies. You can’t go camping without eating smores.

Work was horrendous today. I was assigned to float everywhere but ultimately was tethered to the patio. It was the hottest day of the year to date and I was outside, in the misters. It was SO busy. Like CRAZY busy. It drove me a little batty. Then, I had to move inside to cover someone that was leaving around 6pm and it was just one thing after another. I never had a chance to recover from the heat and collect myself before transitioning to the inside. I royally messed up on an employee’s graduation dinner with her father. I got so busy that I forgot to put their appetizers in. AND they ordered some wine pairings with their entrees and of course, I was too slammed to bring them on time so I ended up comped them. It was hectic and I feel like everyone around me is moving with purpose and knows what to do whereas I’m still gleaning what is socially acceptable to be doing at certain times of the day. I decided to call out for tomorrow. I’m overstimulated and want to just start this camping adventure already. Also, I worked an event on Thursday so my usual three day work week has been friggin’ dragging and I’ve put a stop to it.
Tantrums & Tastings

June 11, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Boogie T’s Raven Master

Today was exhausting. I had to work around 4pm so It was hard to relax beforehand AND I had a moody Vivian to contend with. The afternoon was not pleasant. We were going to take Viv to the fountains downtown. It’s basically a public “splash pad” that’s open from Memorial Day to Labor Day, I presumed when the weather permits because end of May, early June can still be rainy and cold. Anyway, Mum drove down there while running errands to confirm that it was open and it was. A couple of hours later, we drive down there and there’s a damn bicycle festival going on so they shut off the fountains. Viv was so pissed off. She looked so cute in her new bathing suit, pink sheer skirt and flip-flops. She was ready for summer fun. Mum promised her popcorn and a movie when she got home but I promised Mark that I would have her at his house in like an hour and a half so that was a bust also. She was so livid in the backseat. We went through her favorite fast food drive-thru which tamed the beast for a while. On the way to Mark’s, it was question after question after question… Mum and I were both way overstimulated. Then, I had to work.

It was a Sunset Wine Pairings Dinner so we all had to wear black on black on black. I chose Uggs as footwear which was a terrible choice because the event was outside. It was a small event, less than forty people, and there were four wines paired with a course. I got to try the stroganoff and the panna cotta… no offense, but I wasn’t missing anything. I was the “floater” during this event so I wasn’t assigned a section or a specific job. If there was something to do, however random it was, I did it. I think I did well, but I’ll never know until they ask me to work another event. Today was my Monday and I’m already exhausted from working so late into the night. And on Sunday after work, I have to drive a couple hours north to go camping with Mark and his family. There’s lots to prepare. I’m looking forward to it, but I’m already so tired.

I made the deposit for the secured credit card. It overdrew my account but I managed to get more money in there. I think I can use it to manage my funds better but more importantly, I’m using it to improve my credit score. I haven’t told Mum because I think she’ll say it’s a bad idea and that I can’t be trusted but I want to be able to trust myself. My plan is to set up a couple of subscription services to the card and emergencies, then pay that off every month. I’ll still need to borrow money from Mum until I’m out of her debt and I won’t be using the card flippantly. Chipotle is not an emergency. Wendy’s for Vivian because she’s being a mega brat is NOT an emergency.
Unchosen

June 9, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: PEEKABOO, Flowdan, & Skrillex’s Badders

Man. My bad feelings from yesterday are ruining this day off. I’ve been napping on and off all day until I had to pick up Viv. I just want him to want me and I’m left wondering what’s wrong with me? Nothing. I’m working on myself and I keep forgetting to love myself first. I still don’t know about this camping trip. It would be fun but (and that’s a large but) there’s romantic expectations from my brain that I can’t ignore and I’ll be analyzing everything he does and doesn’t do. It’s going to be a nightmare (I think) and I won’t have alcohol as a crutch like I did in the past. Is this a fucking test? Besides my vacation with Mum, I haven’t been away from home for that long since my sobriety so it’ll be a challenge and I have to plan accordingly. Again, I just wish that he would want me the way that I want him. I’m pretty obvious about my feelings so he must not feel the same.

Too much caffeine maybe. My self talk is bad. My thoughts aren’t the most positive. I’m trying to enjoy my days off with Vivian but I keep thinking about my problems with Mark, my financial stress.. I’m annoyed, dammit. I picked up a shift at work so I work on Thursday when I normally have the day off.
The Space Between Wanting and Drinking

June 8, 2026

It’s been a nice day off. I still crammed in my 444mg of caffeine before 4pm so I’ve been jittery. I got to sleep in though… I rescheduled my scary appointment for August because I let my anxious thoughts get the best of me and I wanted to relax. It’s been a busy month and the future looks even busier. Next weekend, I’m leaving for a camping trip on Sunday, then the following Sunday is the Father’s Beer & Wine Festival at work, then the following Sunday, I’m hosting my besties at my work for a Tour of the vineyard and a tasting of the wine. Thinking about it now, I might be pressured to A. drink wine during the tour or B. tell everyone in the party that I’m in recovery, which includes the tour guide which will then spread to the rest of the staff and then everyone is going to wonder why the hell I work at a vineyard if I don’t drink. I don’t know, I needed a job and I’m good at bullshitting a table. Apparently I’m really good at it, my sales are really competitive. Anyway! I was just thinking ahead.

I tried to buy some alcohol free Brut today since I really enjoyed it a couple of weeks ago but when they carded me (like they did the last time) it dawned on me that even though it’s alcohol free, there’s still a tiny bit of alcohol in it so now I can’t even have the Brut that I really liked it. It makes me want to just drink wine, nothing else. No spirits, no beer. Just wine and sake. I can’t get drunk like I would on whiskey and I don’t want to be like that. What I want is to be able to have a nice glass of wine after a rough day, to get those warm, bubbly feelings again without going overboard. I’m just having a mega craving today and am trying to bargain with myself. I want to be able to enjoy the wine that I’m forced to try. Not forced to try but I want to try it. You try getting a job in a place where they serve your drug of choice and talk about its complexity and romanticize and celebrate it, then ask you to try it and are offered free drugs at the end of your shift… it’s rough on a person and I really wanted that fucking Brut too.

It’s been a rough day, live-blogging my craving above. The fresh air, mixed with rain, mixed with my mom’s fried chicken… those smells make me happy. I have to absorb those feelings while I can. While she’s still alive and I’m still in the Pacific Northwest. Those smells remind me of when I first got here. I was such a broken human. Then two years later, broken again by Mark. I wish I could be a stronger person. More thick skinned and able to proudly show people exactly how to treat me. Once Viv gets in bed and I’m on the couch with some of Mom’s fried chicken and Grandma’s cucumber salad recipe and a show is on, I’ll be okay. I don’t currently have a show, new or comfort, to lean into as background noise. I’m starting to analyze why I’m constantly trying to drown out my thoughts with streaming services or music. I hate being alone with my thoughts and I’ll probably need legit therapy rather than advice from artificial intelligence.
Carrying the Friendship

June 6, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Boston’s More Than A Feeling

Today is going to be another long one. I got up early enough to actually wake up and enjoy my life before heading into work. I chose the wrong breakfast, but whatever. Note to self: My favorite soup and noodles are not a suitable breakfast. Maybe I’ll get something on the way to work.

I’m disappointed with my besties. I feel like I’m always the one who is initiating contact and get-togethers. And when I’m denied time with them because of a prior engagement, I get sad and jealous. I wanted to go camping with the girls at the end of next month and we talked about it. Everyone was free on the 1st to go, but now when I’m confirming the date once more before putting down a deposit, I’m told that one of them has a potluck to go to. After Amber’s birthday get-together, I’m seriously not going to pull the strings anymore. Let them do the pulling. It’ll break my heart when we stop getting together every month, but oh well. It broke my heart when we decided not to travel together anymore, like go on trips. We were waiting for Amber to buy a house before doing it… now that she has, we can’t seem to get our shit together. So whatever, you know? I’ll just send my letters and cards and hope that they reach out to me, because I’m sick of doing it. And by sick of doing it, I’m sick of feeling like a sad puppy that wants attention. We’re adult women, it shouldn’t be like that. I take some offense because they’re more premium adults since my life is so unstable but I can’t just come out and say that.
Stuck Between Dread & Excitement

June 5, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Wine Glasses clinking

Work today has been dragging. My days off were good though. I finally recovered from the vacation and having to get into focus mode with Mum incapacitated. By Thursday morning though, I was exhausted. Viv got to school late but hey, at least she got there.

I’m so, so excited for this camping trip next week that Mark invited me to. Camping isn’t really my thing but it is when my little family is going. I love being a little family unit with Mark, Vivian, and Jackie. It’s so fun. I only wish it could last longer. He’s asked me to stay until Thursday but I have work on Friday and I’d like a day to decompress with Mum. I’m taking my car up there, and by up there I mean a two hour drive from home, and I’m a little nervous about that. I need some repairs before doing that. Or I can just call out Sunday… I don’t want to be that person. It hasn’t been over ninety days so calling out is out of the question. I didn’t request it off in time and there were already too many time-off requests for that day in particular. I’m just gonna leave from work with my bag packed.

Before all the camping excitement, I have a scary procedure happening on Monday. My cervix is creating some abnormal cells so my doctor suggested burning off the first layer of cells and letting it heal itself so I don’t get cancer. It’s scary in my mind but I don’t want to die of cancer like that so it’s necessary. They sent me anxiety meds to take before the appointment, that’s how you know it’s scary. It takes about 25-30 minutes so I’m really not looking forward to that.