Megan’s Paper Trail

Because I'll forget otherwise.

Recent Posts

  • 2025 Vacation

    What a whirlwind the past week has been. My dental surgery was a success, sorry to all you haters: I’m still alive and kicking. I’m in great pain though, still. It’s been like four days now. I haven’t been the greatest at taking my medications on time or even at all so I truly have no right to complain. Work has been relentless, expecting me to show up and actually work. Like wtf? I was crawling to this vacation. The universe tried to stop me from coming. A respiratory infection (self-diagnosed), two teeth pulled, then my Aunt Flo showed up. Ugh. This is actually the first time that I’ve felt relaxed but it could be the oxycodone. I’ve been a tightly-wound ball of stress. 

    Packing was stressful for me because I had to pack for myself and my child and it was only nine days but I want to bring so many things. After taking a moment to breathe, I realized that I can’t fit nine days worth of wardrobe in a tiny weekender suitcase. I found a really cute bag at TjMaxx and stuffed the shit out of it. Then I realized I can’t fit all of Viv’s stuff in her backpack and she was entitled to a carry-on bag for the plane so “fuck it”, she got the backpack AND the weekender. I also put some of my stuff in it too. Win win. We slept at Mums the night before because I knew that Mum was going to need help with everything involved. We cleaned her flat, did some laundry, packed her suitcase (which she borrowed from her beautiful only daughter) and left right on time. With the government shutdown in progress and all the drama going on in Portland, I wanted to make sure that we had enough time. Mum is notorious for taking her sweet ass time and we had to go to the long term parking lot, take the shuttle, get through security… surprisingly enough, everything went smoothly. The flight was on time, we made sure that our gate existed before looking through the shops. It sounds relaxing but I was still grumpy. The flight was decent. We sat in the very back of the plane, next to the only seats with no friggin window. Vivian was a little disappointed but the lady in front of us was nice enough to show us pictures of the outside wonders when flying through the sky at night. There were a few bouts of turbulence but I just held on and prayed, as I do in that situation because what else can you do?

    We landed in Ontario. We took another shuttle to the car rental facility, then ANOTHER shuttle to our cheap-ass car rental which was a good ten minutes away from the airport. I made the mistake of making our reservation for the car under my name… they wanted a credit card or a debit card with at least $500 as a deposit for the car… after stressing out all day, this was the last thing I fucking needed. Unfortunately Mum had to step in and make a new reservation with her credit card, I hated feeling out of control. Thankfully I’m a listed driver but still. Anyway, we got the car rental situation taken care of, they even upgraded us to a Volkswagen Atlas, a luxury SUV. I feel so spoiled driving it given that my hoop-dee has no stereo and deflating tires. Anyway, we stopped off for some Del Taco, a Cali/personal favorite. We had to get Viv corndogs across the street at Wienerschnitzel because she refuses to eat Mexican food (snob much?). My burrito was terrible and I should have gotten a chili dog but whatever, I was starving and tired and stressed. 

    We got to the hotel and promptly passed out. Viv got a quick disco nap in the car before we reached our final destination for the night so it took her quite a while to fall asleep. She was deliriously tired. It was nice waking up with a pool just beyond the curtain. We had breakfast in the restaurant that’s located inside the hotel and then went swimming. Through the whole day, I was stressed and grumpy. I felt bad for Mum, she had to put up with me. But like: I’m sick, my gums hurt which means eating sucks, I’m on my period so I’m emotional and crampy, and it is absolutely impossible to relax with Viv around. She’s a busy kid, constantly doing something or talking or dancing and while it’s adorable and she’s a kid, it’s a lot. She’s extra and I have to remind her that she is, quite often. Anyway, I told Leo that I would get on the road around 4pm but with Mum’s errands, that turned into 6pm…

    So I’m here now, at Leo’s house, in Ojai. I finally feel relaxed and you know what? I don’t think it’s entirely Vivian’s fault that I was so stressed. It’s Mum. Mum means well but she stresses me out too. It’s a nice break from her to be honest. The whole journey out here, I feel as though I’ve had to hold her hand… for example: she came without a jacket because I didn’t remind her to bring her jacket… she’s an adult but still. I guess I’m taking on her problems when I shouldn’t because she’s an adult. Anyway! Tomorrow is an emotional day. We’re going to see my Uncle who is passing away of lung cancer soon. That’s the whole reason why I started to plan this trip: so Viv could meet him before he breaks on through to the other side. 

    Leo has informed me that when the time comes, he’ll be staying in this house and will “buy” me out. Every time I visit California, I want to move back SO badly. Mark wouldn’t have it but there’s a part of me that doesn’t care. I just love it here. I miss living here but I digress. Still dreaming of my own home, that’s mine and no one else’s.

  • Phlegmy

    I’ve been sick this last weekend. It came on after pushing myself to manage three birthday parties at work. I keep doing that: pushing myself to the point of being sick. Fatigued body, phlegmy cough, it’s awful. Anyway, I’m having two teeth extracted tomorrow, how fun for me. I have such awful oral hygiene, it’s embarrassing. I’m glad to be taking care of it though. My dental insurance through my job is really good. I only have to pay a couple hundred to have two teeth pulled, hooray!

    < /sarcasm >

  • Dreaming of a Homestead

    Work was brutal today. It was the annual Family Fair day that’s free to the public so we got all walks of life at the community center. Lots of rude, overweight people. I mean, if you’re going to be rude, the least you could do is be in shape. Anyway! I really had to fight the urge to make up some excuse to leave. I was stuck in the cafe pretty much all day; I didn’t get to see any of the fun stuff: the ponies, the bouncy houses, face painting! I love getting my face painted. I asked Mark to bring Viv but he didn’t. He insisted that Vivian wanted to go to the Falls today, however I was told that she needed cough medicine so he kept her home… which is pure bullshit. He just wanted to play video games all day. I hate how lazy he is but I’m sure he hates how unreliable I can be. My Mum would have been more than happy to bring Vivian for an afternoon of fun, but whatever. I had a feeling he wasn’t going to take her, anything to avoid an idea of mine that wasn’t his or large crowds.

    I’ve finally decided that when I receive this large inheritance, I’ll be buying a house that’s completely mine. I get to be the antagonist that can say “Get out of MY house!” It’s sad how many times that’s been said to me by a drunken idiot who’s home I was in, for example ex-boyfriends, my own mother. Anyway! I’d like a standard home with two bathrooms and three bedrooms, a fourth would be even better, but I don’t want to spend too much. I’m going to spend about half of my inheritance on a house and then perhaps have my Mum move in to help with the mortgage. The mortgage will still be a couple thousand, but I don’t know. It all depends on prices, interest rates, and the type of loan that we decide to pursue. 

    I think I have ADHD. I’ve been getting extremely overstimulated, counting the sounds that are penetrating my ear drums. I also haven’t taken a shower this month. That’s right: the entire month of September, I have not taken a shower. It’s been over three weeks. I don’t understand why I’m like this. I’m disgusting and I’m sure that people can smell me. I apply deodorant but there’s still other areas of odor that need to be tended to. I’m hooking up with a new doctor so I’ll be sure to tell her about all of my mental health issues. I asked ChatGPT to compare living in SoCal versus where I am now and unfortunately, where I am now is more affordable and less stressful. There’s a house in SoCal that’s part of my family’s inheritance and my stance would be: don’t sell it. God isn’t making any more land and it’s so hard to acquire some. I don’t want to live in it, but I don’t want to sell it and split the profits. However… if there’s no connection to SoCal anymore, such as Leo decides to move to Thailand, it might be viable to sell it, but I need to establish a homestead here. I’m sick of living in Mark’s Family’s house. I’m sick of living with my Mum. I’m sick of hoping that my besties will open their home to me even though they don’t have the space. I need my legit sanctuary. A room to myself, my own bathroom, a kitchen that I’m responsible for stocking and cleaning. I love living at Mark’s but I really hate it at the same time. Especially the weird energy between Mark and I. He’s only touchy-feely when he wants sex, meanwhile, he pokes fun at absolutely any opportunity and that’s not a relationship. I don’t care if that’s how he shows his affection, it’s rude and it causes me to be defensive and explain myself, to which he gets defensive and tells me that I don’t have to defend me… it’s bullshit. It’s confusing and I’d rather not have it in my life. He’s a great co-parent, but we can’t be together and I’m slowly starting to realize this. He’s a unique person and to be honest, he was fourth on my list of crushes at work at the time. I don’t know what possessed me to pursue him, but now I have a Vivian on my hands and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

    A few days ago, Mum and I decided on some plane tickets and a car rental and actually made a purchase. It definitely solidified the plan. We also talked about how we don’t have the best record of traveling together, so we made a pact to talk to each other about anything unexpected so no one cops an attitude.

  • Vacation Hi-jacked

    Mum has been making this trip a real pain in the ass and it wasn’t meant to be like that, dammit. It’s a vacation. But thinking about the reunion and stuff, I kinda need her to join us, for hotel and babysitting purposes. We’re still deciding whether to fly or drive and that’s the first fucking step! Then comes hotel reservations, she has to find care for her animals. It’s ridiculous how she’s putting this off. I already have a reservation made for a fucking car on a specific date. She has literally changed everything about the trip: the dates, the mode of transportation, where we’re staying… she hijacked my vacation. Next one is gonna be a secret from her. We already have a bad history of traveling with each other: I’ll bail because she’s just so toxic or she’ll have an attitude because she’s not having a good time or it wasn’t what she expected. I’m nervous about this but like I said, I need her to watch Vivian while I party it up with my alumni that Friday and Saturday night… and I need a place to stay since my friend changed her plans: she said that we could stay while we’re down there but now it’s turned into one night and she had to work early the next day. It’s bullshit, I think I said that in my previous post. Regardless of Mum funking up my plans, I’m still excited to fly or drive. I’d prefer to drive but whatever. This all started because she’s afraid of me and Viv traveling all that way by ourselves. I didn’t even think about the danger; am I a bad mom?

  • RIP CK

    Today has been such a strange day. Lots of weird energy. I had lunch with Mum at the new restaurant she works at, downtown. I got the french dip and was thrown off by the bleu cheese on it. Not traditionally on a French Dip however I love bleu cheese so I was excited. Nope, no thanks. Plus my teeth problems made it difficult to eat. Eating used to be such a pleasure and now, it’s a dreadful affair. I have a metal filling that came out and a major cavity that can conceal a pea, it’s massive. I have great dental insurance yet have no time to find a dentist that’ll take me within six months. I had a lot of stuff to do today but plans with my Mum were made, then changed so it threw me for a loop. It’s nice to see her but damn. Eventually I told her that I didn’t know what to do, to which she realized that she’s changing things and I’m getting frustrated and it’s like, “Well uh yeah?” but instead I told her that it was okay. She has twenty-four hours to think about it before I start making plans. Of course, Leo made things difficult with his plans to Thailand and of course a friend has already gone back on what they said… my friend from high school said that Viv and I could stay at her house while I’m in town and now she’s saying only one night… it’s quite bullshit but I’m used to it from the desert peeps. It’s the reason that I would drive myself to parties: I got to decide when and where I went, without having to be at the mercy of a drunken teenager. Anyway! I’m annoyed. Today has been weird.

    <center>Rest in Peace Charlie Kirk</center> 

    I found Charlie on social media probably six months ago and got addicted to watching him debate people. I really agreed with his opinions and beliefs and was happy to have found someone like him to follow. I listened to his recent podcast while cleaning Vivian’s room and when it was finished, I checked my social media where I see one of the more liberal people that I follow (from high school) has posted “Charlie Kirk is Dead”. I didn’t believe it at first but after his foundation confirmed it, I was shocked. Shame on the left for celebrating a person’s passing. It’s so disrespectful. This world is so dangerous, especially in our country. I’ve literally considered moving to another English speaking country because this is getting ridiculous: the food dyes, the mass shootings, the extreme Left making life complicated (like releasing repeat offenders hoping they won’t repeat again). I understand crime and violence exists in this world, but shit. When does it get better? Our nation is so polarized right now and it’s dangerous to speak your mind. I keep my opinions to myself for fear of being judged or debated. I believe what I believe but I’m not narrow-minded. I’m just really disturbed by this news. I really liked his values. I don’t care if people thought he was a fascist, he had great trust in God.

  • In the Land of Work & Vacay

    I’m content with my job for now, however I’m applying for other things. I’m even entertaining the idea of moving back to SoCal. My Uncle’s property is part of my inheritance and I don’t think we should sell it to split the profits. I’d like to see if Vivian and I can make it down there. I feel like there’s nothing like a geographical cure, a change of scenery, to really shake things up. I sure love the cloudy, rainy days of the Pacific Northwest but I’m ready for the coastal climate and serenity of the breezy, mild SoCal evenings. Finding a job in this economy is a bitch though, I don’t want to find the easy jobs, but I might have to to start out that way. I don’t know what the future holds and that scares me.

    I think I made the mistake of telling Mum about my road trip to California next month with Vivian. She wants to tag along and while I was looking forward to just me and Viv, her company sounds nice. I told Leo about us visiting in October like two months ago and of course, he’s planned yet another trip to Thailand to find “the one” so staying at his house at the end of the trip is out of the question. Anyway, Mum and I don’t have the best track record for traveling with each other. It always ends in chaos, I had to leave or she was a total bitch the whole time because it wasn’t what she expected. We have to talk about everything before departing. She wanted to change the rental and get an RV but I declined. She’ll pay for motels though and that’s super helpful. I’m excited for her to join us but also very scared. This is something that I’ve been looking forward to and I don’t want her to screw it up. It’s my one vacation this year and I have plans, the reunion and such. I kind of want to travel to Reno in December by myself, but that probably won’t happen. I’ve talked to Ruby and she wants to plan a trip in April, we just have to decide where. Also Amber has finally bought a house with her mate so maybe she’ll go with us. Missouri? Louisiana? Canada? I want to go somewhere she and I haven’t been. We’ll see what happens.

  • Pull the Trigger

    A whole new month. It’s nuts how time is flying by. I can’t believe I’m thirty eight years old now. I can remember back in 1998, wishing it was 2005 already, and here we are, twenty years later after that. Ugh. Anyway, Amber sent a text a few days later, saying what I so desperately craved, along with a gift card. Apparently she was waiting for payday to send a birthday gift/message. It’s still no excuse though, she could have said something on the actual day. You want people to feel special on their birthday, that’s the point, isn’t it? Anyway, I sound like an ungrateful bitch, but I’m not. I thanked her, however I’m not setting up our monthly Bestie meeting. I’m sick of her bringing her boyfriend to our girl’s night. He’s not a girl nor does he treat Ruby with respect, constantly poking fun at her. I’ll reach out to Ruby individually instead of using our group text and see when she’s free. Currently she’s in Spain, heading for Italy. Lucky duck, but according to Mark, I’m not allowed to be jealous since I can’t save up money to take such a trip… Prickface.

    I went on a five mile walk with him the other day and I don’t know what I was thinking. I keep finding myself doing things that I don’t like just to spend time with him. He wouldn’t be caught dead doing that for me. He could tell that I had been drinking so that made our journey awful. Lots of tears on my behalf. I told him how I felt like he and I were like his brother and that situation with his ex going on: she had no where else to go so he let her move in. Did Mark do the same thing because my Mum forcing me by drunkenly barging in my room? He said no. Once I got a steady job, he would have told me to “git”. This happened last week so my mind is fuzzy about everything that was said. I asked him if he would like to come to California with me in October and he said he’d be working by then… I highly, HIGHLY doubt that he’ll have a job by then and even told myself that if he didn’t I would ask him again, buuuut fuck that. He won’t be coming with me, even if he wants to. I came home last night and he didn’t speak a word to me. Boyfriends and girlfriends are a little more friendlier than that. They acknowledge each other and ask how their day was… just because Mark had nothing going on doing his day doesn’t mean that mine went the same way, I went to work for cryin’ out loud. All I know is that I don’t like being in a relationship with him because he doesn’t treat me like we’re in one. I’m not talking about gifts and signs of affection, it’s the not talking to me, making me feel invisible. He had nothing to say when I told him that we don’t kiss each other goodnight, we don’t text, we don’t even talk. Once I’m able to maintain savings and sobriety, I’m moving out. Plain and simple. I hope that Lucy will be able to handle it as well as myself. But that walk, that night, was the last time I will cry over him and how he treats me. “I am who I am”. He won’t change. I don’t need a relationship anyway. It’s always been pure drama because guys can’t keep to themselves. I’ve got my daughter, I’ve got my vibrator, I just need to maintain independence and stop spending rent money on tattoos.

    It’s been two days without a drop of alcohol. I have fought it so much today, it’s pathetic. It feels good though. My mind is clearer. I can remember things, make plans and execute them. It’s only been two frickin days, imagine months or years of sobriety. I’ve decided to journal again and have planned for three questions in the morning and three questions in the evening, not too overwhelming. I did some journaling today although it’s tough to pull off with a child asking me questions that she already knows the answer to. That’s the autism. I could kill myself for smoking during my pregnancy. I love her so much and had no idea of the damage I was causing. These next two weeks are going to be really tough. No alcohol, no cigarettes, no money. I’ve decided not to give my money to Mark. Not because I’m mad at him but because I need to show myself that I can do it without a crippling addiction to alcohol and tattoos.

    I need to start pulling the trigger on fun stuff that I like to do, like actually do it rather than find comfort in thinking about it. I bought a Lord of the Rings the day it came out and have yet to play it. Maybe I could play it with Vivian tonight. It’s my sleepover night with her, I love those nights. When I get my own place she’ll have her own room and will still get to sleep in my bed. Anyway, I’m trying to remain sober from alcohol. It’s rough, sitting with these feelings, having to process them, and just move on.