Megan’s Paper Trail

Daily Life Insights: Balancing Family and Time Management

June 3, 2026

Mood:

Listening To: Metallica – Nothing Else Matters

Nothing really to report. Mum is still ill but recovering. It’s been a nice time with Vivian but I think that may be because my Mum isn’t getting involved too much. Sometimes they’re like siblings, it’s weird. My Mum is a bit immature for her age, childlike is a better description but sometimes she’ll joke with Viv and I can tell Viv doesn’t see it that way. Anyway, I’ve been getting Viv to school on time although this morning was tough. She had gotten up around 6am whereas I had an alarm set for 7am. I snoozed until 8am then sweetly demanded that she get ready. I’m exhausted. I can’t wait until there’s no school. We can sleep in and be in our pajamas all day.

I’ve been listening/watching a documentary about Hitler’s inner circle all day and it’s been really fascinating learning about the struggles within. None of them liked one another. I can feel that. I have groups of people in my life that can’t be together because they hate each other. Literally Mum doesn’t like my besties or Mark. Mark doesn’t like my Mum or my besties. The besties don’t like Mum or Mark. I feel like the führer in a sense. Joking, of course. He was an awful man. Fascinating, but awful. Just like Putin and Mao.

I’ve finally decided on a WordPress blog. I spent too much time contemplating a whole ass website and I landed on “what’s the point?”. I’m not selling anything and I won’t be posting sexy pics for subscribers. It’s literally my voice on the internet, my thoughts and memories. I’m gonna post all of the blogs, dating back as far back as I can go, I think that’s 2003. And when I’m able, I’ll buy a domain name to solidify things so I feel really good about it.
Last Chance Vacation Vibes

June 1, 2026

In the words of Denzel “What a day… what a G-D mother fuckin’ day.” It was the last day of the vacation yesterday and we didn’t do much. We looked through the Christmas store but left with nothing. We went to the café that I wanted to try but Mum didn’t like their menu or the vibe and a party with a baby sat next to us before we ordered so we just left and went to the Chinese restaurant again. Got nice and full on some crab Rangoon and wonton soup that I could have lived without. We went back to the room and gathered the motivation to walk to the beach since we could. It was so fucking cold, like uncomfortably cold. We bought some caramel popcorn, divinity, and fudge, two of which were so awful, I made it a task the next day to return them and get my money back. Of course they were closed the next day. Anyway, Mum made kind of a big deal about me snoring and insisted that I hang out in the room with the fireplace and give her some sleeping space. It was so uncomfortable but whatever made her happy. I woke up around 1am and got in the big bed, but woke up almost every hour because I was so paranoid about disturbing her with my snores… it was a bad night’s sleep. I woke up first and quietly gathered my belongings from every room, tucking them neatly away in my bags. I brought too much stuff as usual. I hate it. Anyway, at 10:30am, I decide to wake up Mum. Apparently she’s had a miserable night too. She has sinusitis. She was able to gather her things but like at the beginning of this trip, I’m responsible for bringing everything down. She’s too sick. We make a quick stop at a grocery store so she can get a yogurt but she can’t get inside so I go, thankfully choosing the right kind. I got a pastry too but didn’t eat it on the way home. She slept the whole way, I listened to a short history podcast about Shakespeare, it was really interesting. It was probably the most relaxing part of the journey minus the driving bit. I drove us the entire way, everywhere we went, I drove. What a vacation.

We got home with an hour to spare before I had to pick up Vivian. Mum couldn’t bring up anything either so I had to. I was craving an energy drink so I decided to head to the store. I made sure Mum had her phone with her and her ringer on so I could call and let her know what was for lunch at the deli. I get to the store, call her no answer. I do a little shopping for some essentials for myself because I’m starving (no breakfast), then call again… no answer. Fuck that. I’m literally half a mile from home when she calls “what happened?” Are you fucking kidding me? I called twice, with time in between. When I get home, she says I should I just gotten something. Right, and waste your money? I don’t think so. Then she asks for the tissues and I about lost it. They were in the car, where she was like twenty minutes ago. I bring up the tissues and excuse myself to my room. I needed some space. I know she’s not feeling well, but dammit. She’s really pathetic for lack of a better word. And I keep asking if I can get food elsewhere or even a fucking antihistamine so she could feel better, and she refuses. I’m sure I’ll hear later about how I didn’t care about her or her sickness when in fact I did but she made it impossible to help.

Ugh. Now I’m at the indoor trampoline park and usually it’s a ghost town but today, there were two school buses outside.

Two.

There are entirely too many children in this bitch and I’m extremely overstimulated from this morning to Mum to trying to find a fucking pool to take my daughter to. After about four denials (either not open, too expensive, or not open for open swim), I gave up looking for a pool to swim in and decided to bring her here. Fuck, I just want to go him and unload my bags and unwind. I guess I can’t do that until after tomorrow’s breakfast and errand with Mark. We’re having breakfast which is nice and then we’re going to see about fixing Viv’s glasses; she broke them this weekend, on accident.

When will my money be my own money again? When will Mum be satisfied enough? I’ve kept track of everything, how much she’s loaned me and how much I’ve paid her, as well as dates. With my own money this pay check, I’d like to get the tennis and swim club membership going that she and I talked about a few months ago. She’ll just keep thinking and thinking about it whereas I want to pull the trigger and do it, get it started. I want to use the gym and the pool, I want a place to take Viv when she says she wants to go swimming. I’ve got that credit card coming too. I’m excited to be responsible with it. No crazy Amazon purchases. I’m setting up a couple of subscriptions to it and paying that off every month. But first, I need to pay that little security deposit.

Today was Day 19.
Wir Geht im Urlaub!

May 31, 2026

Thanks to Duolingo, I’ve learned more German than I did with three years of it in high school. If only…I’m hoping to inspire myself to take a trip to Germany next year. I do have family over there and it would be so lovely to see my dear cousins.

Anyway, we’re going on vacation! After work on Friday, Mum had a hankering to wake up in a different city, closer to what she wanted to do the next day so we packed up, arranged for a zookeeper at our house while we’re gone and hit the road about 11:30pm. Mum kept adding on things or finding things that we had to do before we left but it was worth it. We crashed in Newport at a cheap motel and barely stomached their complimentary breakfast. The real treat was later: the aquarium. It didn’t dawn on me until we walked into the lobby that I had been there before with Mark so I kept that to myself. I wanted Mum to have a nice time and she did. We saw all kinds of sea critters and birds and there was a new exhibit that featured senses from the Amazon. It was neat. I took a lot of pictures so that part of my life could be documented. We both had a great time. Then found a really delicious Chinese restaurant for lunch. It was nearing our check-in time and Mum claimed that she needed a nap so we called to see if we could come early. They agreed but told us that the elevator isn’t working… and we’re on the third floor. Ugh! It is what it is though. I brought up the majority of our goods. I also brought my laptop and monitor so we could enjoy movies on a decent sized screen. After we checked-in and brought our stuff upstairs, we took off for the Goodwill. Nothing too exciting there, although I had to talk myself out of buying two friggin books and a vase. We did however buy a box fan with the summer coming. Then we went to the outlets and unfortunately they didn’t have any stores that Mum prefers but they did for me. I couldn’t resist getting some bedazzled tights and sparkly black jeans at Torrid or some silver dangly earrings from Hot Topic. We went to a few other places and I had to resist the urge to shop. Everything I’m spending on the credit card Mum gave me as an authorized user I have to pay back. There’s nothing free in this world, even when you steal, that takes away from your karma. Anyway, we got a burger from down the road for dinner that was out of this world. When you’re left wanting another or regretting that you didn’t go bigger, it’s a good thing. They were like In-N-Out burgers, very similar in look and taste.

We got the room with the jacuzzi bath, on purpose. Now, we had been to this hotel years and years ago, allegedly in the same room but since then, it had been remodeled. Only one person can fit in the tub now and the room is completely different. It kinda sucked but whatever. Mum got to take a bubbly, epsom salt bath (in her bathing suit) while I fell asleep on our bed. She had the fireplace going and everything (it was quite a romantic room). I woke up around 1am to use the bathroom and found her asleep on the couch in the bathroom, near the tub. I think she was trying to escape my snoring, but it was a little dramatic. The couch is very small, just for sitting. The box fan came in handy, it created some white noise. The hotel had complementary breakfast in the lobby. I smelled Mum’s upon waking and decided to get some for myself, very unusual for me, I typically eat breakfast later and not right after waking up.

There’s so many photos on my laptop that I need to recover. Photos from my phone that goes back to the beginning of becoming an Oregonian. That laptop is dead and I need to save the motherboard. I saw this really beautiful scrapbook for lovers and it inspired me to create mine. I have so many photos and I wish that Mum would take over but that would be rude to ask. I feel like that anyway. Oh well, I get to design it the way I want but perhaps that’s what’s slowing me down: the anxiety of making decisions on how it’ll look. I’m just gluing pictures to paper and writing next to it, sometimes I put a sticker here and there but that’s about it. I used to be so good at it. I’m still grieving the last scrapbooking/photo albums that I made. I don’t live like that anymore though so I shouldn’t be afraid of losing them in a storage unit because of a break-up. I’m much smarter than that now.
Pre-Vacay Vibes

May 29, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Rammstein’s Du Hast

I should have requested today off but oh well. Mum and I are headed to the beach tomorrow. I’m so excited! I love the ocean and being on the coast. I’d live there if I could. It’s a sleepy town otherwise I would have relocated sooner. Work took forever! I had one table until about three o’clock. Then, an explosion of people occurred and all of sudden, every table was sat. My notecard system had turned out really awesome. I have a laminated notecard for each wine that I’ve encountered. Each card has notes about the flavor, the process, facts about it. When people see them, they’re very impressed. I love doing that kind of shit, overachieving and impressing people. Today, one table purchased thirteen bottles of wine from me. Another table had me access the wine library for a 2012 vintage edition of a Pinot noir, that was $125 bottle of wine I sold. It was a good day, just long. I like this job because even in the chaotic times, it’s not like other server jobs that I’ve had before. Like Red Robin. Mum and I sit back and reminisce on the good old days of the weekend burger madness. We both have fancy, elevated server jobs now but we certainly started from the bottom. Denny’s to be precise. Both of us.

I was told that I have an “old money” laugh which made me laugh even more. It’s hard to describe but I do know performers in high school loved having me in the audience. It’s like I was letting the audience know when to laugh. It’s a hearty laugh and genuine.
Balancing Life: Managing Chores and Credit Goals

May 27, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Megan Thee Stallion’s Captain Hook

Today, I felt like I was waiting and never truly felt relaxed enough to do my household chores. It’s been a busy week so far. I went to my front-of-house meeting at work and learned a little bit more. I tried to glean some inspiration from a cutesy server that I work with. She could be the ultimate camgirl. Anyway! She said that after the meeting, it wasn’t going to be a relax-kinda day, she was working on her “projects” today. What did that even mean? I guess I have projects but I tend to sit around and watch the same crap on Netflix all day. I have comfort shows but some things I can’t look away from. Anyway, I won a Starbucks gift card but I’m paying it forward to Amber in a letter that I’ve been meaning to write for a while. She’s been my very dear friend for over ten years so I’m telling her in writing and sending along the Starbucks card as well as a freebie from my work so she can go with her beau. I went grocery shopping and spent way too much. It’s so frustrating shopping these days, everything is so expensive.

I received a credit card offer in the mail and thought, “what the hell”, scanned the code, gave them my info, and viola, it worked, kinda. I have to put a little deposit down in order to receive a line of credit which I’m going to be SO responsible with. I’m debating whether to tell Mum or not and just keep it to myself but quietly work on my credit. I’ve also registered for two classes this summer and with only working three days a week, I’m confident that I’ll succeed. Vivian will be a distraction during the day but I want to make it work. I need an anchor skill instead of easy-to-attain hospitality/customer service skills. I’ve been a bad student, so I filled out an appeal to change my denied status and I had to give them my plan-of-action to achieve all of my courses for the certificate. This time next year, I should have a certificate in Accounting. I’m eight classes away. I’m excited about that, but I have to be able to afford it. So fingers crossed for the financial aid!

Too much caffeine.

Today was two weeks sober.
Vivian’s Special Day: Celebrations and Surprises

May 26, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Nick Cave & the Bad Seed’s Red Right Hand

Eight years ago today, I gave birth to a little bundle of energy. A sun beam if you will. She’s my Memorial Day weekend baby and I remember it like it was yesterday… I’ve been down that road once or twice before so I’ll spare everyone the details. It’s been a hell of a ride with Viv and I can’t wait to see what the next ten years bring.

I wasn’t allowed too much me time today. Vivian was wide awake at 4:30am. Too excited for her birthday. Apparently Mum gave Vivian her cell phone so she could go back to sleep because Vivian had woken her up by asking for it. I had a giant Texas sized donut for her for breakfast and she was very happy with that. After I dropped her off at school, I went home and got dressed for the day because I looked at my to-do list, growing by the day, and decided to tackle some things. I left for my eyebrow waxing appointment, that was first and it had been a few months since the last one. On the way there, Mum asked me what errands I was running without any money… it was like, “why? Why are you trying to fight with me today?” I told her what I was up to (sans the waxing) which seemed to silence her. I went to the local college and updated information so that I could login and handle shit from home. I stopped by the financial aid office to see if they needed something from me now that my application was processed, which they did. I stopped by the self-sufficiency office and gave them my paystub so they know I have a job and I don’t look like I’m trying to be sneaky about anything. I came home but left right away to get her prerolls. She was buying, I was flying. THEN after she left, I was hungry so I left again to get Taco Bell. My stomach was a little upset after the Taco Bell (obvs) and while I’m in the toilet, Mum calls and there’s a loud knock at the door. It’s the maintenance guy coming to fix our kitchen light that’s been out for over a month. I couldn’t even poop in peace, dang it. Then I had to leave to drop off the ice cream sandwiches for Vivian’s class. Then went back forty minutes later to pick her up. We made a quick pit stop at home because I bought too many sandwiches so now we have Neapolitan ice cream sandwiches at home, huzzah! The gathering went well. We met Mark and Vivian’s surprise guest at her favorite pizza place across town. Operation Secret Sister was a success, Vivian had no idea that Jackie was in town and was so thrilled to see her. We played some mini-golf, Viv actually won. Then the girls played some games and won some tickets for prizes later. Viv got a headache so the fun stopped for a bit while I went to Mark’s house to retrieve some Tylenol. We ate some pizza but took the majority of it to Mark’s. There was a Godzilla-themed ice cream cake waiting for us. Vivian was so thrilled. She had a great day. We stopped by Mum’s work on the way home and SHE had gifts for Viv, a squirt gun, a bubble gun, some sandals (river shoes), and Viv got some French fries too. It was a busy day.

Today was Day 13.
Navigating Chaos: A Day of Family Bonding

May 25, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Lupage- Bass down low

Today was really frustrating. I was internally screaming the entire day and trying to smile on the outside. So yesterday, Mum was invited to her bosses’ annual birthday party at a State Park about forty minutes away. I was trying to be supportive to Mum and her job as well as find something to do because there’s no school and Vivian needed something to do. It started off with no address. Just drive to the State Park, there will be a playground on your left when you get there. Mind you, this State Park has multiple entrances, multiple areas, multiple things to see. With Vivian dressed, gently rushing us because she heard that there’s a party happening somewhere, we rushed to the store to get things: gift card, birthday card, road snacks, etc. When we leave, in the GPS, I just chose a location, the most southern one. It seemed closest. Oh and also, the sky had some dark and funky clouds threatening to throw down some rain. During the entire forty-minute road trip, we discussed “Would You Rather” questions and by the end, I was already overstimulated. Keep in mind, at that point, I had had at least 300mg of caffeine. Anyway, we get to the campground site and that’s not the spot. There was a lot of activity happening across the road, so we went there. Thankfully I found a parking spot, then Mum left the car to find the party while Viv and I stayed behind. When she came back five minutes later, we gathered our belongings and headed in. I thought that I wouldn’t be cold since when it’s hot, I’m such a baby now, so I only brought one jacket. We were met by the guest of honor’s father. He was a very nice man, but scattered. He hurried us along to the buffet line and said, “I give you hot dogs and sausages” in a thick Ukrainian accent. I just wanted to get our spot situated and the blanket laid out so we weren’t holding food, trying to juggle both with a Vivian to keep an eye on. He insisted we put our blanket in what seemed to be a walkway into the playground nearby so when he was distracted, I laid our blanket next to the playground. The grass was wet. I wasn’t really hungry and discovered when we arrived at our destination that my vape which I had planned on hitting all friggin’ day was bone dry. Mum ate, Viv did too. They both plopped down on the blanket in the most inconvenient spots, leaving no room for me. When Mum asked why I was standing, I had to tell her, but she perceived it as me being rude and flustered, which I was but damn. There were kids on the playground that were being kids, loud and rambunctious, but unfortunately they weren’t the kids we were hoping for. By that I mean Mum’s bosses’ kids. They had gone for a hike, as did he.

It started to rain.

By this time, Viv was bored with the playground and wanted to go for a walk, which I absolutely detest but obliged. I didn’t want to be there in the first place and now, I have to walk. Oh, and it was full-on raining at that point. The three of us walked by the river, threw rocks in, they got their feet wet, but I wasn’t as “brave”. We continued to walk in hopes of catching a waterfall nearby, which we did but it was really far. We had to stop at the Nature Store that was thankfully on the way to the southern Waterfall for ponchos just to continue forward. I didn’t want to be there, I had been to this State Park before with Mark (bad memories), it was raining, I was cold and hungry and nearing full sobriety. I was really grumpy.

And then… Vivian got grumpy too.

Ugh, it was awful. When I’m in a grumpy mood, it’s tolerable, but when it’s the both of us in a bad mood, I feel so bad for my Mum. I really tried to keep it together and I knew that if I said something about how I was really feeling, we would have gone straight home with an awkwardly silent car ride on the way followed by a lecture from Mum about how it’s so hard to be around Viv and I, which I get. I just want a friggin day where I’m not needed, I don’t have to go anywhere or do anything, where I can make my decisions in my own time.

Tomorrow is Viv’s birthday. She’s very excited about it and I’m really trying to be happy. I should be, why not? I don’t want to be like how Mum used to be, destroying every holiday with an emotional meltdown. After I drop her off at school tomorrow morning, I’ll have some me time. It feels selfish needing this me time, but I need it. Like, really badly.
Documenting Life: Lessons from Harriet the Spy

May 24, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Levity – By My Side

This weekend was the Chardonnay festival at work. The first day I worked inside our tasting room instead of on the patio. I was a little disappointed but then when I discovered that there was a live band AND it was going to be busy outside because of the stupid, gorgeous weather, I was thankful to be inside. The outside people complained about being outside all day so today, they’ve switched it up. Everyone switched their positions around 3pm so I had to go outside. It was alright. The band wasn’t so loud and people were very nice, as usual. Lots of time to twiddle my thumbs though. A coworker said that I was very Type-A when I showed her my laminated notecards on the wines. I always associated that with being negative but it’s actually a good thing. Determined, motivated, future-thinking people are Type-A. I just want to be successful and I don’t know a thing about wine nor will I be tasting to acquire such knowledge. I need it written down, I don’t have time to access it on the tablet in real-time so anyway. I like being good at my job and I wish that I could professionally train people on how to do something. When I have trained people, they always comment on how good I do…. But maybe they’re just trying to flatter me. Who knows?

I watched Harriet the Spy the other day. I truly believe it flicked on my switch to document my life. It’s what she does. I wanted to spy on people and write things down, just like her. I used to have a handwritten diary, but that was comprised (thanks Dad), then I transitioned to a public livejournal which much to my chagrin did not go over well with the public. Then I had a public but cryptic livejournal, then it became private and cryptic, then back to public and cryptic. Now I don’t even post anymore. I’m sitting on a dream to have my own website like the girl from past, AppleCat. I don’t want to show my face though, plus everything has been cryptic since the beginning. I even changed names a couple years ago to draw in even further confusion. I love to type, with my fingers and my thumbs so a digital blog will always be for me. Just where though? You know?

Today was Day 11.
Work and Relationships: Finding Balance

May 21, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Arrested Development

It’s so hard. It’s so hard to dismiss my feelings for Mark. Of course I gave in. I went over to help and when we finished, I showed him that I had brought condoms over. “Well then, I have something to show you in my room.” It was really glorious and makes me feel nice… temporarily. Now I wish I could text him and be flirty and giggly and tell him that I love him. It’s not like that anymore and I really, really wish it was. It was an emotional roller coaster with Vivian this week with her. It was hard to overcome her mood and attitude but I think I’m getting better at it.

Work was great. I got there slightly on time and traded positions with another gal who couldn’t be outside, her allergies were causing her face to spasm. So the patio was nice and busy. It was a warm sunny day so I don’t blame people for wanting to sit outside. I was initially on my own but people inside kept watching me get busier and busier so they sent a new person out to work it with me. I had to share all of the information that I had gleaned from the past month of training but I think she understood the assignment.

Today was Day 8.
Setting Boundaries: My Experience with Sobriety and Relationships

May 19, 2026

Mood:

Listening to: Glorilla & Megan Thee Stallion – Wanna Be

I got so emotional at the indoor trampoline park after texting Mark. He was flirting and I had to draw a boundary. Then of course, he asked about my sobriety and I had to be honest. It’s only been six days since my relapse and I was honest with him. Mum told me the other day that people who lie about being a veteran and people who lie about their sobriety date are pure assholes and that hit me. I don’t want to be like that, I didn’t like being insincere about it. It didn’t feel good so why lie? I just want to be in a relationship but honestly, ChatGPT is helping me get through the grief of our relationship. I keep feeling it over and over again, it’s so annoying.