Megan’s Paper Trail

Because I'll forget otherwise.

Recent Posts

  • Family Boundaries

    Family Boundaries

    Mood:

    Listening to: Jauz – Lindsay Lohan

    It’s upsetting how Mum still drinks around me. Even after my slight relapse. Tonight she’s drunk and she’s emotionally unloading on me. She basically shit on my senior concierge side hustle idea, saying I should be researching my daughter’s condition instead of doing all of this research for nothing. I was starting this idea/business as a preface for her business idea which is managing a small assisted living “compound” but because I haven’t asked her for the written business plan that she has, I don’t really care about it. It’s so frustrating to deal with someone like this. Why waste my time getting a business started? I’m targeting the senior crowd for her, for her fucking business. We get along really well when she’s sober. When she drinks, I fucking hate being around her. One wrong move, then she guilt trips me, she makes me feel bad. This all stemmed from my lack of cooking and her being hungry and wanting to be served and sick of serving others… she keeps score and things become transactional to her. She’s worried about me and my meals and pissed that I don’t reciprocate that. I know that I should adjust that, HOWEVER she’s my mother, that will always be in her nature. It’s in my nature to do so for my daughter. I don’t even feed myself. I feed Vivian first and eat the leftover scraps if there are any. I think Monday will be my sleepover night with Vivian so I’m really thankful to be going to bed and not socializing with her because she’s drunk. I’ve been asking her for the last two days to help me pay some bills and she told me the same thing probably six times “I feel like I’ve paid these twice already”… then when I ask again, she’ll say the same thing. Then when one of my bills not being paid affected her (Netflix), she would ask how she can watch her show, then get distracted and not listen to my answer and this exact sequence happened, literally, seven times in one evening. And I couldn’t say anything because me getting emotional about her being drunk gets HER even more emotional and then it turns into a fight (essentially her being mad at me for being mad at her) so I’m taking the high road and keeping my mouth shut. Maybe I’ll try bringing it up tomorrow when she’s sober, but I’m chicken shit. She doesn’t understand that when my Dad and I “say” that she’s unstable, we mean emotionally, not physically. It’s sad that I understand this and she doesn’t, but our emotional intelligence is on completely different levels. This is truly a private hell, especially when Vivian is home, and it makes me wish I had my own sanctuary for us away from her instead of living in the same flat. I love living with her but not when she’s drinking and she drinks five out of seven days a week. It’s very frustrating to deal with, especially since I have to be sober.

  • Long and Arduous

    Mood:

    Listening to: Flux Pavilion – Let’s Get It

    What a long ass day. I’ve been getting up before my alarm which is nice. It went off during breakfast, Mum and I went to a diner around the corner from our flat to eat. It was decent and we split something so it was affordable. We checked out a potential new flat across town but I think we should stay where we are until we find a house to move into, for the backyard and the separate rooms. For now, I don’t mind sharing a room with Viv. I fall asleep with an earbud in my ear more than half the time so I don’t hear shit in the night. We looked in the windows like stalkers and checked out the patio that was not enclosed. The feng shui seemed off and plus it was almost in the middle of nowhere, far away from the city. We haven’t really talked about it, but I texted her my opinion. She agreed but she might have a different opinion.

    I tried my hand at dating apps again just to see… well I don’t really know. It’s all the same. Forced conversations and fear of being murdered if we meet in public. I’ll never meet a person to date. I downloaded them again because I want to get over Mark. He’s so emotionally unavailable yet he’ll get flirty and I’ll open my heart again, only to get crushed with disappointment. I’m still hoping for the person I fell in love with ten years but he’s not that person anymore. He never will be and now we’re forced to coparent until who knows when. I have to be strong and fill my life with things I’m excited about and can safely invest in.

    Work was long and arduous. I worked the patio all day. It was chilly to start and the gal that was originally set to work the patio was obviously uncomfortable. So when it came time for me to head inside, I offered my position to her which she gladly accepted. It was chill outside, it always is. There were a few hiccups like any shift, but I like how my shifts aren’t crazy and stressful like when I worked at Red Robin. It gets busy but it’s manageable. Or maybe I’m a more evolved person and can handle it… nah, it’s the job. Today, my old boss from a previous job a couple years back who fired me came in for a glass of pinot and a beer for her weird husband. She knew who I was but didn’t say anything. When I looked at her, her face was familiar, but once she slammed her debit card in front of me and I got a glimpse of the name, I knew exactly who she was. She and her pedo-looking husband stayed way too long after closing, I’m glad our resident Trans-person shooed them away eventually. But yeah. Fuck her. I may have been a drunk but heard that she was a hardass when it came to her Dining Room Coordinator and didn’t give me a break even after telling me that she saw major potential in me (maybe that’s just something rich people say to the peons). Also the dining room team at her establishment was a bunch of schlomos. I loved working there but didn’t after a while. Anyway, small world. It’s a small friggin’ valley that we live in, it’s totally possible to run into someone that you don’t want to see. It happens to Mum and I frequently.  

    Today was Day 5 of my sobriety.

  • Finding Balance: Managing Life After Alcohol

    Mood:

    Listening to: Funtcase – Acid Riddim

    Today was day two of sobriety from alcohol, slowly approaching Day three. I decided to keep my sobriety date of May 13th. I’ve been fighting an unseen battle since making the decision to stay clean and it hasn’t been easy. I left work early today. It took so much to get to my lunch hour and I couldn’t see myself staying the rest of the five hours left. But that’s the way it goes on Fridays and eventually Saturdays. Today I was on time and ready to go, but it was so painfully slow and Mum had the day off, I’d rather spend it with her. And to hear people at work saying every other minute “there’s so many of us here, we keep bumping into each other…” I figured maybe one of us could leave since the leads are too stupid to realize that the business isn’t there so neither should the staff. It’s not a holiday weekend, the weather outside is cloudy and awful, we’re not about to get a rush. I’m discovering more and more people at work to avoid and I wish that these people knew that about themselves. I avoid you because you’re rude and seem completely unapproachable. There was one lead today that was training someone, yet this trainee kept coming to me, asking questions and thankfully I knew the answer. I had to gather that information myself because it wasn’t just handed over freely. Gee, I wonder why she didn’t feel comfortable going to her trainer. Could it be that her trainer’s a frigid bitch and emotionally unavailable to train someone else on how to do a good job or even how to do their job in general? Just sayin’. Something in me just didn’t want to work today and I’m a big girl, I can make these types of decisions on my own and suffer the consequences later.

    My time away from work was miserable. Vivian was in a lot of pain due to a cut on her lip that Mark let get out of control. I had to take her to the urgent care where they prescribed us medicine that Vivian absolutely hated taking and I absolutely hated giving it to her. It was a liquid antibiotic that didn’t taste very good and a steroidal lip ointment for the wound that stung her when I applied it. She was miserable, I was miserable. I kept her home from school because I didn’t want to make THEM miserable. Her teacher reached out to me to see how she was doing, it was very nice of her. Anyway, I never really relaxed and the flat was a hot mess the entire time, I was too lazy to do anything. As usual, on Wednesday, I finally mustered up the motivation to clean, even after I feel like it’s already too late.

    I have one week (allegedly) until my next payday so I’m really looking forward to that. A couple of days ago, I started a digital ledger and literally watched a hundred dollar loan fade away on impulse buys. My poor Mum. I put her through so much and I really need to just put my head down for a while and work hard. But not too hard because if I do, I might not receive gov’t assistance. I changed my availability to just Friday through Sunday, I keep wanting to take Thursday off, to enjoy them child free and work free like I was beginning to look forward to so I officially made it possible for myself. Mum and I call them “Therapeutic Thursdays”. We both have the day off and enjoy being lazy together. Sometimes we take in a movie… well, most times we take in a movie. We get movie theater popcorn from an actual movie theater down the street and watch something at home so we can pause and pee at our leisure. It’s good times and I’m glad to not be stressing out over a full time job like I was. I still feel so foolish wasting all of my money, especially so quickly. I impulsively buy. It’s another friggin’ addiction that I have to deal with. I can’t be trusted with credit cards and I have absolutely no savings. The last time I was able to save a large amount of money, it was over twenty years and I eventually blew it all on a new computer that I no longer have. It’s annoying how I treat money and I need to have more respect for it. Especially since I work so hard for it.

  • Tomorrow…

    Mood:

    Listening to: Subtronics & Dirt Monkey – Warp Drive

    I know people always say “tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow”, but I’m being serious about tomorrow. I have half a pint of whiskey left, I’ll be drinking that and then continuing my sobriety tomorrow, on the thirteenth. I drank too much yesterday and was paying for it last night. I was totally useless for Vivian and barely made it to her bedtime. I laid in bed and wished for things: the fan to point at me, a glass of cold water. The room was hot so I opened the window for Viv and pointed the fan at me.

  • Sneaky Behavior

    Mood:

    Listening to: Ricci – Boom

    Yesterday absolutely kicked my ass. We were so busy on the patio, all day. There were very few breaks to stop and breathe. Thankfully Mark was able to take Vivian to school this morning so I could just relax and unwind after work. I got to take two bottles of wine home, they were SO many opened bottles at the end of the day, so I found the most expensive reds I could find, married them with their twin so my bottles would be super full, and took them to Amber’s house. She was very grateful. She got two $80 bottles of wine, I hope that she was okay with that. I can’t bring it home and she told me what she likes. Her house is on my way home so it all works out.

    There’s SO much to do at home. Thursday-Sunday, we just eat, sleep, and work around here. The kitchen is atrocious, Vivian’s room is a mess. I’ve got tons of laundry to do. I downloaded a couple of dating apps because I had a long conversation with Dexter (my AI) about my relationship with Mark and how it’s on-again-off-again for literally ten years now.

    Mum has had a business idea for an independent senior housing for the longest time and I’m finally giving in. I’d like to do that too so after taking more with Dexter, he suggested that I start a concierge service for seniors to establish connections with my community. I think it’s a great idea, but there’s a lot involved and I don’t have much money to start it.

    Mum was keen on me being drunk this afternoon and called me out. Of course I lied because it’s shameful and I tried to point the finger at her, but she didn’t care. I eventually told her everything. It was her rum that I drank to end my sobriety so I tried to blame her but she wasn’t having it. Anyway, I took Vivian to an indoor trampoline to distract myself from the misery. Got home: Mum still won’t really speak to me. It’s rough, hence why I lied to her in the first place. So whatever. I’m left by myself which is rough but I have to manage.

  • What Do We Fall?

    Mood:

    Listening to:

    Elephant in the room: I can’t not mention the fact that I failed. I have failed in my sobriety. About four days ago, I took some swigs from Mum’s rum bottle. I think I was just angry and I had finally had enough of dealing with her being drunk, I thought I’d get on her level. I knew where her alcohol was so I just went for it. That was on Tuesday and I haven’t been able to stop since. I’m disappointed in myself but knew that this was inevitable. Mum never gave up drinking and I know that her “sobriety” doesn’t hold me accountable and vice versa. After work yesterday, I bought a pint of whiskey. I don’t know why I’m doing this after two hundred days of sobriety. Obviously I haven’t told anyone, I’m completely ashamed. I haven’t drank at work, but why the fuck not? I think I’ll have a shiftie after work today. Something sweet and bubbly. Today is going to be a long ass shift.

  • Parenting Sense

    Mood:

    Listening to: Bassnectar & G Jones – Mind Tricks

    It was an “enjoyable” three days off I suppose. I had my Mom hat on the entire time. Can I just say that it’s tough hearing your little one ask when the other parent will be picking them up and things of that nature? It breaks my friggin’ heart but I can’t say anything. Mum on the other hand is not afraid to say something. Something along the lines of “don’t be rude to your Mother”. Anyway, Vivian has to have a tooth pulled tomorrow. I’m so scared for her. She has no idea it’s coming and I know it’s better that way, but still. I wish that I could hold her little hand and tell her that it’s going to be alright. I have a feeling that she doesn’t trust me because she doesn’t allow me to console her the way a mother does. I’m truly grateful that Mark has the good parenting sense to take her to important appointments like that. I chickened out the other day when I was supposed to take her to get her blood drawn. I just felt bad, knowing she had a tooth extraction coming. And they won’t even put her under either, they’re using laughing gas and numbing cream. My poor baby.

  • Creating Boundaries

    Mood:

    Listening to: Lekota – I Used To

    Yesterday was rough. I was on the patio for the majority of the day and it was the hottest day of the year so far. I was boiling. And then the major temperature change from going inside and then back outside and then back inside, my body was feeling it. Plus, I was feeling achy, like I’m getting sick because I’m pushing myself too much. Also, I’m getting phlegmy and wake up, gasping for air. I’m not in a good way. I have to take it easy, but I can’t. I seem to have to step in for Mum a lot lately. She had the day off and after I got off of work, I picked her up before picking up Vivian. After she spoke for ten minutes straight about not having a passion for anything and not doing anything with her life, it dawned on me that she’s completely wasted. So now, after a long, grueling day of work, I have to take care of two children while going grocery shopping. I mean, looking back now, did we really think we could pick up Vivian, go grocery shopping, cook dinner, and eat within a reasonable amount of time? After dragging them around the store for an hour, we finally get home. I get Vivian in the bath and Mum says that she doesn’t want to cook so I have to go back out to get something for us to eat. I was so annoyed. After getting Viv in bed and eating dinner, I get in bed myself but Mum insists on telling Viv to get to sleep, over and over again. She came into the room and sat on her bed, tickled her and spoke with her. It’s nice that they’re spending time with each other, but at the same time, it’s almost 11:00pm. Who exactly is getting her up for school in the morning? It was annoying that she was drunk and didn’t realize what she was doing. We had a major blow up at Christmas and she promised that she would stop. That lasted about three days. It’s been five fucking months now. If she keeps drinking, then I’m going to have to start again because I can’t keep dealing with her while she’s on another level. It’s not fair. She keeps complaining to me about my cat and his antics and instead of keeping him locked away in a cage for hours on end, why not just rehome him before any real attachment occurs? She started yelling at me, repeating herself so I had to yell back to get her to stop. I could tell she was about to snap at me for snapping at her… it’s so fucking backwards. And this kind of shit only occurs when she’s drunk. So why not just join her?

  • Busy & Tidy

    Mood:

    Listening to: I LOVE MOM & LAWYA – Workaholic

    Today was such an amazing day! I finally pulled myself out of bed early and tidied my room, it had been getting extremely messy. I pooped out after about an hour or so and went back to sleep. It was SO busy at work and I was on the patio again only this time, I wasn’t training so there wasn’t a group of people waiting to serve at the outside bar, it was just me and another person. It was busy, from open to close. I sold a lot of bottles and feel good about the job I had done today. Even others have said that I’m doing really well. And others have told me that others have said so. It’s nice to have that reputation already. I try to remain busy at all times and not be “that person”. The day flew by me and I like it that way as opposed to yesterday where I was looking at my phone every five minutes. I met up with Amber and Ruby after work for some Mexican food. Mexican is probably my least favorite food but they love it and I chose the restaurant. I just got a simple dessert and went home to make meatloaf for Mum and I. I’m looking forward to it.

    I forgot to mention that a couple days ago, one of the servers told me that one of their tables was requesting me, they believed they knew me. When I looked over, I recognized them immediately. It was an elderly couple from one of the retirement communities I worked for a couple years ago. The wife remembered so much about me: my daughter’s name, where I spent my summers as a young girl, it was nuts. I honestly couldn’t tell you her name and that’s a bloody shame. She was so nice. She tipped me, like me specifically but eyes were on me so I put it in our money envelope. Tips are pooled so everyone does the best job they can. I haven’t received any money yet so my first check might be considerably larger than the next ones, although my manager sent me a screen shot of my hours on her computer this morning to confirm them and it looks like only six days of work will be included on my check. Today was huge, I really hope that the tips were large for everyone. Everyone seemed to want to tip, even on just a bottle purchase so I’m excited to get some money. Mum has been floating me so much cash for bills and incidentals, I feel awful. I’ve been keeping track obviously and I have a feeling my first check is going in my hand then straight into hers. That’s alright. I’m not to spend any money on unnecessary things so my debt is essential. Ugh, I wish I made more money but I can’t handle a fulltime job again. I was telling the girls how I got that job offer at the storage place, but didn’t want to run into the same wall again. It felt good to tell them how I received so many job offers after hastily resigning.

  • Training & Momhood

    Mood:

    Listening to: HYPERBEAM – All Day, All Night

    It’s been a crazy few days! I continued my training on Wednesday with one of the leads and head wine person. This person knows so much about wine, I couldn’t help but take so many notes and copy what she was telling our tables. She thinks I’m going to do very well despite one hiccup… on the first day back (Wednesday), I excused myself to the restroom and went upstairs to retrieve my vape. Big mistake, huge. I kept it on my person and about fifteen minutes later, she pulled me aside and asked if I had smoked on my “break”. I was so embarrassed, my face instantly blushed and I blamed it on my body odor. So my policy with my vape is just to leave it in my car. Not even in my bag if I bring one in. I can’t lose this job over puff, I just can’t. Yesterday was so much better. I’m getting the flow of the tables down and I trained with her again. Thankfully she didn’t say anything to the upper management. And if she did, they didn’t say anything to me. I assumed that I was going to lose my job yesterday but I’m so glad that I didn’t. I got through the day with just a few puffs on my vape during lunch. Before starting work on Wednesday, Vivian’s school called and I had to pick her up early. Poor thing had a headache which I think is actually a toothache. She needs a tooth pulled. At seven. Ugh, I feel like I failed her as a mother.

    Today is going to be a long day. I’m at work from noon until nine I presume. We close at 8pm and I’m one of the people that get there “later” so I have to stay “later”. Anything is better than closing at 10pm and commuting forty-five minutes home like I was doing before. I had such a bad night’s sleep in preparation for today, I think I woke up every other hour and eventually pulled myself out of bed around 8am. I went to the store immediately. The last few days at work, I’ve been starving myself for fear of my stomach acting up (also, not a lot of food at home and I can’t afford to eat at work), but the hunger pangs weren’t going away. So I bought protein bars, peanut butter sandwich crackers, beef jerky, things like that. I feel more prepared going in, but I still need a server book to carry all of my notes. I finally received an apron and don’t feel so naked.