Megan’s Paper Trail

Because I'll forget otherwise.

Recent Posts

  • Work & Feels

    It’s been a lazy few days. Mark left for Arizona because it’s Jackie’s birthday today. Her sixteenth to be exact. What a great age. I’d kill to be sixteen again. Anyway, he left so I’ve had Vivian since Saturday or Sunday. A whole week now. I love her, yet she’s a lot. Taking care of her gives me a chance to take care of myself. Example: she needs to eat, I might as well eat. So many questions though. Sometimes she doesn’t even wait for the answer. I have to tell her that she asking too many questions.

    There’s nothing really to report. I’ve got work tomorrow. I’m still training so the pressure isn’t completely on. That comes on Friday night. We stay open a little later and I’m there all day. It begins the routine. I’ve been adamant about putting together a schedule for my week. Instead of wondering what I should be doing, I have a schedule, with times, that designates what I should be doing. A lot of it are tasks so I’m not lazy. Cleaning tasks, going to the gym, things like that. I used to have the Sunday Seven, but I’m modified it to complete on Monday and renamed it “The Weekly Reboot Ritual”. It still has the basics, like updating my schedule and planning for meals and grocery shopping. I added that I need to listen to a sermon and incorporate my religion into my routine because that is becoming more and more important to me.

    Yesterday I blew up at World of Warcraft. I tried playing some of the endgame content and with my squishy Priest, I died over and over again. Vivian was concerned. I’m an extremely competitive person and when I lose, it shows. If Vivian wasn’t home, there would have been so many expletives.  I’m concerned about my medication situation. Now that I don’t have the fancy insurance from my fancy job, I have basic, state insurance, which comes with a doctor that resides in a facility across town that I’m not a fan of, but I don’t really have a choice. I need to see my doctor and demand my medication. I can feel the old feelings starting to creep in: irrational anger, anxiety, hopelessness. I work Monday but I have to make some calls and get something going before it’s too late.

  • Sobriety Maintained

    I completed the training. In the end, I kept my sobriety. The tasting wasn’t fun because I couldn’t fully commit but it was nice to get the mouth-feel for each of the whites and the reds… so many reds. I love the bubbly ones they have too. That was my favorite wine when I was drinking that type of poison. It’s a great “welcome splash” for the table. I learned a lot, a lot about the vineyards and the different types of wines that we sell, even the type of soil that they grow in, we’ve gotta know A LOT of information including stories. Our training was actually a bit all over the place, I really wish that I could step in and tailor that experience. I wish I could do something administrative or event-wise rather than work the Tasting Room and talk about it, but you’ve gotta start somewhere. The gal who just moved up to host private events was in the new-hire training (her schedule didn’t align for about seven months?) so I got to know her and let her know that I’m available for things of that nature. Good tips. It’s good culture, it just needs someone a little more dedicated. Anyway, the gentlemen who hosted our training seemed frazzled at times and hadn’t been to that location in a “great while” and the gal that cohosted who’s a regional manager seemed completely uninterested in being there. It was a little disappointing how we were given this glorious packet of information and had to go from this page to that page and all over the place rather than a smooth, transitional order: from the first page to the last page. The other day, I brought up the party sign that I created with AI to the wrong person, I already get the feeling that she doesn’t like me, but I can’t be certain. I get that vibe from everyone, even people that I’m sleeping with. Anyway, during the training, we had trivia moments where we answered eight-ten questions and some of the answers were things that we hadn’t even gone over yet. Plus we were teamed up and before each question, we were told it was worth a certain amount of points… in the end, this all meant nothing. The winning team should have won a chocolate truffle or something, like it was a lot of work gleaning the information from the packet that we didn’t go over to get the correct answer all for… nothing. Everyone was looking forward to the tasting and the tour but in reality, the tour wasn’t interesting because it wasn’t very informative. We didn’t even go up to the watchtower, which is a visual marker that signifies the vineyard we work for, we just got a crummy story about the regional manager working at this location during the major 2017 Solar Eclipse so she got to view it through there and outside… wonderful. I can’t use that garbage. I got all of the information that I need. Now I need to know the flavor profiles of each which will take some time to gather but I’ll start with the most popular and work my way through the library. I need a server book, I need an apron, I need all of this stuff… which will come in time. I need not worry. Really disappointed about the trivia sessions. I was teamed up with an owner who volunteers his time to work at the estate. He was ex-military and I noticed that he took a lot of notes so we were a shoe-in for the prize if there was one. They gifted me a bottle of Riesling at the end to which I immediately dropped off at Amber’s house. I was about to leave it behind a car in her driveway before she pulled up. I’m glad I was able to tell her how I acquired this random bottle, although I was waiting to tell her on Sunday, during our bestie get-together. She was very happy to hear about the donation and suggested reds in the future. I hope that I get to share my benefits with her. Maybe we should go to the Vineyard on Sunday… I did mention that I couldn’t work though because of a childcare conflict. Someday. Someday we’ll go and get the delicious flatbread and they’ll get wine and I’ll get a crappy soda, I don’t know. I’ll be able to tell them stories and flavor profiles… maybe. It’s too soon.

  • First Day Vibes Again

    Yesterday was a good day; it was my first day at the new job. There was a lot to take in. By the end, my feet were killing me. It’s a job, like any other, and I’m going to do a good job. It was busy but it was a nice environment to work in. Lots of money there, like $80 bottles of wine. There’s a whole other tax bracket that enjoys a much more expensive beverage of choice. I’m faced with a moral dilemma again. I’m excited to taste the wine but I think I’ll ask for a spit bucket. I’m going to rely heavily on literature and tasting it but not consuming it. I went to work today and once again, it kicked my ass. My body is so tired, I haven’t worked this hard in a while, I guess. I honestly feel blessed to have found three jobs in the three weeks since my resignation. I think I made a good choice with this one, going part time. It’ll take some getting used to, but that’s the case with all jobs. I was so scared to resign with nothing on the horizon and thankfully found something. I’ve heard of people looking for months and I really didn’t want that. I’ll work in fast food before going two months without working. Maybe they’re being particular about their work space but that standard is too high. Money is money.

    When I picked up Vivian from Mark’s, I briefly spoke with his mother about my new job. We were in the kitchen when I brought up the moral dilemma and how I haven’t had any wine yet and probably won’t since I’ve already reached six months. Mark was just within ears reach in the laundry room and I could tell he stopped what he was doing to listen. I didn’t plan on letting him know that piece of information, but technically I told his mother, not him, so that still counts. Anyway, money is so tight. I don’t get paid until the tenth so I’ve got a few weeks to go. I’ll be getting a little support from the State on the first. I feel foolish having gone crazy and spent so much on groceries, but we ate like kings for a bit, it was nice. I don’t have the heart to tell Mum that I’ve gone through it, but I don’t recall buying any “three-dollar Cokes” like she jokingly accuses me of doing.

  • Solidified

    Super lazy day. I finally saw Nuremberg, which was really good. I wonder why that (WWII) has always been so fascinating to me. I guess it was fascinating that the majority of an entire nation seemed to go along with what “he” wanted for Germany. It truly was unresolved anger from the first World War that resulted in the second and I really hope not to see the third. Anyway, with my new blackout curtains, Mum and I made my room extra dark and bought popcorn from the movie theater down the street and gathered boxed Reese’s pieces and mini cokes. It was a nice movie night. I hope to continue what she referred to as “Therapeutic Thursdays”. We both have Thursdays off for the foreseeable future.

    I filled out more paperwork for the new job which further solidifies it. I was beginning to think that I didn’t pass the background check. I have no criminal offenses, only a DUI and driving with no insurance within the last ten years. It feels good to know that I didn’t complete the cycle of getting a DUI every five years. I won’t be getting another in the future period as I don’t drink because I can’t handle it. A pre-rolled joint though, you can pass that right over to me. That I can handle.

  • Two Job Offers: Feels Good

    Well, this was unexpected, kinda. I received an email from a vineyard that I had interviewed with and they were offering me a job. What a dilemma! I fed every piece of information about each job to AI as well as my priorities right now and let him do the thinking for me. I literally couldn’t fathom which job would be best. I think it made the right decision choosing the vineyard and I feel that way because it broke down why it chose that path. With the vineyard, I know my schedule and there seems to be more stable income than the restaurant with new management that seems to be struggling. The vineyard already has an amazing reputation. I truly hope this works out though. I know that I was excited about helping a restaurant with front of house responsibilities and steps of service but that’s sort of a management position and I don’t want that anyone. I love being in charge but I should keep that for my personal life instead of professional life. For now anyway. The vineyard was bustling during my interview and I believe that was a Thursday or Friday so that’s a great sign. They serve food with wine pairings.

  • Grateful for Boring Days

    I’m grateful for these boring days. I don’t have much to do and I like it like that. I have to remind myself that I’m taking it easy right now. It hasn’t been a lazy day, I’ve gotten some stuff done from my to-do list. It’s freezing and raining outside, which I love, but we couldn’t go to the park or anything after school, so it’s been a rainy indoor day. Vivian has her youth group tonight which is nice. I get a nice second break but also, she’s learning about Jesus and how important Christianity is. I’m not pushing my religion on her but I’m strongly encouraging her to participate. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s not violent or hateful. If anything, it’s turning her into a better person, more like Jesus. And also, more socializing. We need to do more reading after school, more school after school right? That sucks. I’d always try to do that for myself and end up hating it. Sitting down at my desk after school to work on more school; after about twenty minutes, I’d give up. It was a discipline though. I’d try every day. Then TRL would come on and I’d promise to get back to it later.

    I brought my TV from the storage unit and set it on my new dressers. Everything is coming together. I need my headboard attached to my bed. I put up my new purple blackout curtains, they’re so much more awesome than Mum’s dark blue hard-to-move ones. It felt good to get something done like that. Something like that has been in my queue since I moved in. The headboard that I bought shouldn’t be too difficult. It’s black and tufted with diamonds, I really loved it on the amazon so I need it in my life now. Maybe I’ll put it up today.

    I’m still waiting to hear back from the job. She said that she’d reach out to me today but who knows. It’s after 5pm now. She did mention that she and her husband usually get together to discuss business matters Wednesday through Friday. Regardless, my “last day” is Friday so I’ll be able to start any time after that. I’ve thought about what kind of schedule that I’d like to have and it’s going to be Thursday-Saturday or Sunday. I think that will give me time with Vivian and time to live my life. Maybe even start that Event Planning business since I enjoyed putting on events so much. Maybe themed picnics… I’d love to do that and Oregon has such beautiful outdoor weather (sometimes) and nature spots.

  • Job Search: Don’t Give Up

    What a stressful day. I didn’t wake up early enough. Nothing was available to me, like customer service. Ain’t nobody got time to be on hold for thirty minutes. Well, I guess I do but it’s annoying. I know there’s like 2-3 people answering the phones for millions of customers. I just have to wake up earlier tomorrow and get it done while I have the time.

    I was really beginning to give up hope and instead of dwelling on not hearing from anyone I continued my search. Indeed was having issues all morning so I finally deleted it from my phone and redownloaded it. Finally, it worked again. I updated a bunch of information about myself, I applied for a few jobs and got a little excited about an opportunity I saw. Then my phone rang.

    I got a job.

    Finally! Someone called me back… again. One of the interviews from last week was following up and offered me a job. The magic of the Blazer: 60% of the time, it works every time! Anyway, I’m excited. The onboarding will be a slow process but that’s alright. I’m excited to have something to do again, something to make money. The restaurant is in a great neighborhood. I’ve been there once before, it was an okay experience but it was the middle of the day, strange time for lunch, the server was obviously trying to get out of there. It has new management and I’m so ready to take the reins and excited to give my opinion on a server’s steps of service. I think I know a thing or two, as a professional server and a professional eater.

  • A Sober Milestone!

    “Congratulations Megan!

    You’ve reached six months of sobriety.

    Did you ever think you’d get this far?”

    Absolutely not. I was such an awful drinker. It was the first thing on my stomach every day. I would often get the bare minimum done (while drinking) and then pass out, only to wake up two hours later and continue to drink. Sometimes I’d throw up. Sometimes I wouldn’t. It was such an awful way of living and the worse part about it: I’m an adult so no one could stop me. I truly believe that alcohol should be illegal and marijuana should not. Alcohol is so dangerous, from the judgment that’s robbed from you to the inability to think fast or smart to not being able to driver intelligently. I was such a great driver while I was drinking… but was I really? I got two DUIs for cryin’ out loud. Obviously I wasn’t as sneaky as I thought. All of my money, and I do mean ALL of money, went to this “habit”. I stole from my future self just to pay for it. It destroyed relationships, it destroyed job opportunities, it took so much from me yet I kept inviting it into my life, every single day.

    Why?

    I have the predisposition to drink already. It runs in both sides of my bloodline so the generational curse definitely stuck with me. I witnessed A LOT of drinking in my youth but never really participated. Sometimes it turned violent and screamy, sometimes it just got sleepy. My drinking didn’t really start until I was twenty, twenty-one. I had a few sips before then, like an normal teenager. I didn’t enjoy drinking the beer in Germany during my last summer there, but that’s quite a memory. I even slept over at their house… “they” meaning I don’t recall their names or why I was there but the daughter of my grandfather’s friend was very nice and I remember thinking that their house was very modern for being in Europe. Anyway, this is a milestone. A MILLSTONE!

  • Realizations: Job & Feng Shui

    Man, I was really hoping that my dresser would get built. The handy man that I hired showed up on time, hit a few snags, and dropped a few f-bombs, but he mostly got finished. He’s coming back tomorrow and I’ve decided to let him build the other dresser since he knows what he’s doing, meaning he’s already been through the process of building one. He made mistakes but he got through it. A piece broke and we had to glue it together. I mentioned how long he had been here and we agreed he would only charge me for three hours and come back to finish tomorrow. I won’t have to pick up Vivian so that helps, but she’s showing up right when the handy man will arrive so I’ll have to keep her occupied. The dresser drawers are waaay too thin for my big-ass clothes. I’m going to have to change the way that I fold them, I’ll probably have to roll them instead. It’s seven drawers but the top drawer is two small drawers… so lame. Next time I have to buy furniture, I’ll be going to a furniture outlet and paying for delivery. The standard is prebuilt.

    Today has been pretty boring. It was Mark’s Dad’s birthday so I stopped by with a gift. A Chevy Hat, patriotic air freshener for the car, and chocolate covered cherries, his favorite. That was my only errand besides grocery shopping. I’ve been working on diamond art and playing World of Warcraft, It’s been a really nice, relaxing weekend. I haven’t had one of those in a while. My Saturdays are always full of work and stress. That was the old chapter. I’m so glad that I’m trying to find something part time. Less stress on me. I don’t want to lead a team anymore. I don’t want to be a direct-report. I might have to get on at some temp agencies, send them my resume.

  • Navigating Life Changes During Job Searches

    Today was a nice day. It’s been relaxing even though I had an interview. The interview was at a really swanky vineyard and I really, really want that job. To be honest, I’ll take either job, but I didn’t feel taken seriously in the interview. I looked super smart with a red and black blazer and all black underneath. I had the right things to say in my opinion. I don’t know. This interviewer said that they would be making decisions next week as well, so bollocks to that. I knew something like that would happen. During breakfast, I sent a decline to the job offer and it hurt my soul a little considering I really need a job. I’m thankful though for the opportunity to find a part time job and still be okay. I’ll be waiting ever so patiently for someone to call on Monday but we’ll see. I’m still applying but looking for part time work has narrowed my search a bit and since serving isn’t my immediate job, it’ll be tough to find something like that.

    Anyway, I have a furniture assembler coming over tomorrow to build my dressers that have been sitting in my room in their boxes, waiting to be built since February! Finally! I don’t know why I’ve chosen this time of all time with no job and everything, but I need it done. I’m sick of living out of totes. He said that he can build them both in two hours but we’ll see. AI said an experienced builder would take three hours… that’s what I’ve budgeted for so we’ll see how far along he gets in an hour. I’m so happy about this. I have to move everything out of that little “alcove” so he’ll have space to work. Then when it’s built, I’ll take great pride in organizing my belongings inside of the drawers. Mum doesn’t believe in drawers. Maybe that’s why her room is always such a mess, I don’t know. It’s nice that there’s no pressure from her to keep my room clean.

    Speaking of Mum, the drinking started earlier than usual today. I don’t know why. Am I that miserable to be around? I can’t explain it. We got home from a nice outing at the vineyard and then to Hobby Lobby where I got the cutest Queen of Hearts playing card diamond art. I originally went there for a wooden “V” to color for Vivian’s bedroom, but left with so much more. I even got a gift for Mark’s Dad since tomorrow is his birthday. Speaking of birthday’s, it’s my Uncle’s birthday and I finally summed up the courage to call him. I didn’t bust out into tears and coincidentally, Dad was even there with his new side piece. They were taking him out to Malibu for a scenic drive. I wish that I could have joined them. I miss my Uncle. I’m really going to try to communicate more with him. It’s stupid of me to distance myself from someone who can’t speak just because I’m a mess and feel bad for them. I have to set those selfish feelings aside and just love him. Anyway, back to Mum. It’s so hard to be around her when she’s drinking. And I can’t bring it up either or else her entire demeanor changes from happy and silly to really sad or really mad, just because she’s being called out for drinking. It’s so upsetting to deal with. I wish she just wouldn’t. She said that would try and didn’t, like at all. She lasted maybe three days. But I have to remember that she’s dealing with a whole different tier of anxiety than I am… but still, alcohol just makes problems worse. I hate being around her when she’s drinking and always have, except when I was drinking. I could finally be on her level. Now that I’m not on her level and can’t be on that level for personal reasons, she’s just annoying. I still love her though. No fighting as of yet. There was one instance where her anger could have ruined the entire day but because I kept my cool instead of insisting on fighting, the day was saved. That happens quite a bit. More than I’d like to admit.