Today has been the first day in my recovery that has been extremely hard not to stop by the liquor store. I have been going and going since my feet hit the floor. It wasn’t a good morning. I arose at 6am, treated myself to a fancy holiday coffee but fell asleep before I could really enjoy it. Then I woke up late, Vivian was late to school (and it’s right across the street so wtf Megan), I clocked into work early which was a mistake. I finished some tasks leftover from yesterday and felt confident but work had other plans. I started tasks from my list that I made yesterday regarding the big event happening tomorrow and every time I started a task, I’d run into a hurdle. For example: not enough salt and pepper shakers for each table, then no salt for the actual shakers. This was the pattern for every task. When I delegated something to someone, they’d go do something else. My cafe opener is constantly bitching about the other workers and what they’re doing. I’m told to make it happen but I don’t know what to do, then I have people asking me what to do and end up looking stupid.
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I slept at Mum’s again and Mark actually called this morning. He was wondering if I was gonna stop by his house before heading to work, to which I replied that I was. I could hear a slight inflection in his voice and could tell… after hanging up with him, I literally said out loud: “he’s only showing me attention because he’s horny.” Blunt but true. It made his affections not the center of my world for some reason. He’s just treated me so… unlovingly, it’s been awkward. I’ve crossed the fence many times on whether we’re still together or not and it shouldn’t be like that. I shouldn’t have to question that in any capacity. Perhaps being apart will grow us closer together, it worked for Mum and me. So I went over for some nookie and to get ready for work. He and I had a great conversation, it flowed effortlessly and felt natural. I broke down and told him about my sobriety. He wasn’t convinced. He said to comeback to him in six months. It just makes me want to be even more sober. He says that he’s heard the “it’s been 30 days” spiel a lot and frankly I don’t remember boasting like that “every time” because I understand how important moving in silence is. I told him that starting January, I’m going to treat saving for Disneyland like a bill. He said he’d heard that before too. Ugh, I’ve been such an asshole, not staying true to my word.
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This year has certainly been flying by, it’s a tad ridiculous. Time is being a little “extra”. Mum’s birthday was actually a success this year. I played hooky from work and spent the whole day with her. I brought a birthday cake and a couple of pieces of tiramisu from our favorite local bakery. I brought birthday balloons. She absolutely loved it. We hung out and went shopping, then picked up Vivian and spent the night cooking, talking, chilling. It was a good day for her. She keeps mentioning it and I’m glad. I put effort into it and I spent a lot of money that I didn’t have.
I’ve been decorating for Christmas at work and it’s inspired me to do it at Mum’s house. We even went shopping for a tree after we found out the one she bought eleven years ago was finally tossed by one of us (… I think it was me, oops). She bought the exact same one but it was cheaper so huzzah! We bought some gingham garland and other fun stuff to decorate with. I unloaded the decor from storage so there’s even more to decorate with.
I think I’ve decided to move back in with Mum. She needs help, not just financially but mentally. Her house is quite often a mess and if she had more time to live her life, she might be happier. I haven’t told Mark yet but I think he’s figuring it out. I owe his mother like three months of rent. Now I’m taking on a larger rent payment and utilities and groceries moving in with her… it should be like that though since I claim to be an adult. Living with Mark’s family, life was too easy: minimal rent, not-so-great food completely paid for no questions asked, I haven’t bought toilet paper in over a year now… life was easy but my drinking made me completely irresponsible with my money. I have no savings. All of my money is tied up in pay day advances. I’m not a real adult, I just pretend to be. I have some growing up to do.
One month and five days sober 🙂
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There’s a big event happening at work next week so the maintenance people have brought over all of the Christmas decorations from the storage unit to decorate the building. Personally, I think it’s a little too early to decorate for Christmas, however, after inventorying the Christmas decorations, it made me feel like I want to look at them for as long as possible so why not put them up the week before Thanksgiving? So far, we’ve unloaded three Christmas trees (none of which match, color or lights), four Christmas tree skirts, a bunch of different Christmas ornaments, two Santa suits complete with fake boot covers, and five wreaths. Oh and a bunch of garland. I think my boss is going to order more decorations online, she hates two out of three Christmas trees because of the lights, apparently she doesn’t like colored ones (of course I made a slightly inappropriate joke about how she’s against colored lights yet she’s married to an African American… so awkward) so she’s excited to look for ones that can match, with clear lights, that make our facility look more sophisticated. I’m about one week away from being employed there for six months, a personal feat considering I couldn’t hold a job for more than three months at a time for a while. I’m still excited to go to work. Regardless if we’re short-staffed, I like being there and being part of the team. There’s something new to do everyday and even though I want to be, I’m not tethered to a desk. I have an issue with staying awake if I’m sitting for too long, it’s annoying.
Today marks one month of sobriety from alcohol. It feels good but I still have the urges to get completely wasted, even at 8am. I haven’t attended any meetings or tried to hook up with a sponsor. I’m still “white-knuckling” it and it’s going okay however long-term, I don’t know how to cope; I can only stand in my emotions for so long, if I don’t have a plan of attack, they’ll consume me. The last seven years have been a blur and I haven’t been able to stay sober for most of it. It’s gotten really bad the past two years, but after witnessing my Mum’s drunken behavior while on vacation, it inspired me to quit. I haven’t touched it since then. She has, I can tell, and it is what it is. That’s her choice. I can’t drink anymore because I can’t handle myself.
It’s Mum’s birthday on Friday. I got her a few gifts that I know she’ll like because she’s literally asked for them at some point. I even managed to get them wrapped in really cute gift-wrap and put them on display in her room. She’s off tomorrow so I’d like to go over with balloons. I’m really hoping that she doesn’t start a fight or blow up at me since she seems to do so every holiday. We shall see, I’ll continue to love her unconditionally.
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Mum has finally asked me to move back in and I don’t know how to feel about it. I wanted to move into a house with her because her flat is just really small, like it’s only two bedrooms so I would be sharing with Vivian. I don’t mind doing that. I just need to think about it. We’ve evolved in our mother-daughter relationship and I still don’t like that she drinks every Saturday night but she works hard and deserves it… I did too but I couldn’t stop. I literally thought about getting a pint of whiskey this morning. It sucks that I’ll never be free of the whiskey monkey, and it strikes at any hour of the day. I was at Mum’s flat the other day and saw her bottle. It was rough knowing that the temptation was there. One little sip, she’ll never know. But see the thing is: one sip leads to uncontrollable drinking that I’m STILL paying for, literally. I can’t have just one sip, it’ll destroy me. I’m powerless and frankly, I love being sober from it. I can think better, I don’t have to scrap together my daily whiskey money, if I get pulled over, there’s no fear of getting my third and final DUI. Anyway! I’m staying sober from alcohol and it’s clear that she doesn’t want to (this hasn’t changed, even in my childhood when I would beg her to stop) so if I do move back in, I need to create a boundary. If I don’t like being around her, I can excuse myself to my room. She mentioned me having the oversized room and getting bunk beds so she and Vivian could have the smaller room, but that’s silly. It’s slightly desperate. My rent would increase and hers would decrease. I would have to step up and clean more, cook more. These are things I should be doing anyway if I want to be considered an adult. This whole time at Mark’s house, with minimal rent, I should have been saving instead of spending frivolously but oh well. There’s no going back and hopefully I’ve learned my lesson. Not being drunk all the time, my thoughts are less bogged down with materialistic hoarder thoughts.
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It’s been a week. Nothing to complain about, just staying busy. Trying to stay optimistic, not that there is anything bad going on, I’m just being in a better mood regardless of what happens. Work has been good. It’s the calm before the Christmas storm. We have a lot of events happening next month: Christmas parties, company get togethers, it’s going to be busy. And I just found out today that we’re losing another attendant for my cafe next month as well so that sucks. We’re already looking for two and after being stood up by all three persons contacted for interviews, my boss and I have sort of given up for now.
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I’ve been having a difficult time relaxing lately. Like more than usual. And I’m concerned about my anxiety attacks before going to social events. I had another one while driving Vivian to a Trunk-or-Treat. I literally started to cry and I really hate that. It could be my Aunt Flo making her way into town or it could be that I haven’t been consistent with my mood stabilizer and antidepressant. Anyway, Mark brought it to my attention that I’ve been in a bad mood for the majority of the “Holiday season” which I guess includes school supply shopping and now Halloween. To be far, I was irritated with school supply shopping because we waited until the last minute and couldn’t find an item on our list. We had to order it and wait for it to ship to complete our list that we’ve had access to for months. That was entirely his fault. But the anxiety attacks are prohibiting me from living my best life. I wish I had something stronger. And I wish I had the gastric sleeve surgery so as to feel better about myself.
Now with Halloween, I just felt overstimulated and rushed. Work was meh and I left early so I could get Viv ready. Once I got home, I just wanted to veg out but had to get myself ready and her ready and eat their crappy dinner when I had planned on getting us fast food. I forgot her makeup, I forgot my shoes. Like I mentioned on the way there, everything boiled up and I literally considered buying a bag of candy and lying to everyone, claiming we had a good time but then I thought about the lack of photographic evidence. Ugh. So we went. Thankfully we found a good parking spot while lots of others were left aggressively searching. Vivian’s church always has a great Trunk-or-Treat so she had a good time. Lots of people, lots of pictures, lots of anxiety. There weren’t as many trunks this year which is a shame because it didn’t rain until about 8pm. It motivated me to sign up for a themed trunk next year to avoid the craziness of having to be here and there, pulled in too many directions.
After that event, we went to another church nearby that usually has a Trunk-or-Treat event but this year they went with a Halloween Party instead. They had games and a bouncy house, Viv had a good time. I was exhausted, emotionally from having to put on a happy face and physically because I haven’t truly relaxed in weeks. After that spooky flop, we went to Mum’s work for some shrimp and fries. She bought some macarons from the Italian Deli next door and they were fabulous. Delightfully delicate crunch with amazing flavor in the middle. I need more of them in my life. Anyway, when I got home, that’s when Mark brought to my attention that I only have so much time, on this earth and with her, so in more words or less, I better start being in a better mood for big events. I tried to explain to him that being the “fun parent” as he has lovingly labeled me is exhausting… he didn’t understand. I even asked him before we left if he wanted to go with us and literally avoid the crowds by waiting in the car, but he said no. He really pissed me off before we left too: poking fun at me any chance he could get. That shit gets old. Half of me wishes I had a man that knew the difference between being funny and being disrespectful and the other half can live without love and romance. Mark used to be good at it but then he fucked up with a blonde co-worker at a pool bar he actually took me to first.
Currently, I’m at Mum’s house, having a sleepover with her and Viv even though I said I wouldn’t this weekend because I’m sick of traveling. I’ve even looked into renting a house so Mum and I could just live together so I wouldn’t have to drive across town and also wouldn’t have to hear her complain about needing a roommate. No such luck on the rentals, not this time of year. Anyway! On the way over here, I started thinking about how I wish I could be my own boss and get back into the restaurant industry because I really liked it when it was does properly. I thought about the organic cafe in my hometown that we visited on vacation and wondered if I couldn’t bring that kind of flair to my new town. Now I’m obsessed with creating a menu and taking the steps to make a business, something I’m passionate about, something to leave to Vivian that she can either take and run with or begrudgingly sell my life’s work.
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Ive been having a few bouts of motivation and get things done. It’s just tough, I still feel like I haven’t had a true break. Like, nothing to do, guilt-free… maybe I feel this way because in the past, the way I would relax is with a pint of whiskey. I’m still staying strong. Today is Day 13 of sobriety from alcohol which is a miracle considering I was drinking two, sometimes two and a half pints of whiskey plus energy drinks as a chaser. I have to tap in and truly focus on relaxing. I woke up this morning around 5am and decided to stay up. I’m determined to stay awake also, that’s always where I screw up: I’ll fall asleep like an hour later and then miss my alarm because I’m in such a deep sleep. I’m sick of that happening! Then my day is rushed and I’m stressed because I’m being rushed.
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Thankfully Mum’s car started after being in the economy lot for nine days because the following day, she had issues with it running. I love to travel but I hate it at the same time. The vacation of 2025 was an utter failure. Next year, it’ll be totally different. I made notes regarding every complaint I had to make the next trip a success.
Work on Tuesday was grueling. I mean, it was an easy going day, however I had to battle the whiskey monkey AND the “I want to leave early” monkey. It took so much motivation just to get there and I was forty-five minutes late. I blamed my car. It’s getting easier to stay. Probably because I’ve decided to quit alcohol. After seeing Mum’s behavior and trying to remember the events that lead up to getting to our first destination, I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of drinking all the time so I’ve finally decided to quit. My last sip of alcohol was early Sunday morning. It hasn’t been easy but I have to keep reminding myself to change my habits. Like yesterday, I went to the cafe for a drink and when I was dispensing soda water, I thought “oh I need something flavored, a chaser… oh wait, I don’t have alcohol”. It’s that easy, sort of.
Mark actually had the nerve to tell me that the reason he hasn’t had a job all this time was to give me a chance to work… I was literally speechless. The audacity. We were talking about how nice it is that his parents are able to watch Viv on days when I work and he works and there’s no school. I think he’s spent so much time away from people that he thinks he’s telling an excellent lie. I don’t trust him, not with my feelings, not anymore. I trust him to be a good Dad to Vivian but our relationship is pretty much dead. I can’t keep living in the future, dreaming of my house and my car and my new life. That isn’t going to happen for a while and that’s a good thing. Inheritance can be bittersweet.
I may be angry, but seriously, fuck everyone from the desert. I’ve deleted the instagram page I set up for our reunion, I’ve deleted the website I created for tickets, I’ve deactivated my personal instagram page, and switched Facebook profiles so I don’t have to see updates about their lives. I’m disappearing and I’m sure no one gives a fuck. But it’s made me feel better. No one needs to see pictures of Viv, I don’t need to waste my time pretending that my life is so glamorous because it isn’t. I hate taking selfies now. I’m just done with the social aspect of social media. I just like the “media” bit. I’m disappointed that one of the people I was most looking forward to never got back to me all because he has a girlfriend. This is what inspired my removals and deactivations. Another thing was opening the instagram page before the drama on Saturday night and seeing all the “Sorry, can’t make it” messages. There was another alumni night planned a couple of weeks after my event by the Foundation, an organization of past alumni’s from my high school. The head texted me, inquiring about my event and said she would get back to me after talking with her committee… she never got back to me. So anyway, fuck them. The desert is a great place to visit but I’ll never move back.
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Last night was absolutely ridiculous. It was the night of the reunion banquet and after the embarrassment of having to refund people their money, I really didn’t want to go. Mum got drunk and literally forced me. I was in tears, in the hotel, in the car, at the table, it was weird. When she asked me what I was going to eat, I said nothing (my stomach had been really funny with all the eating out). That was it. She stood up and yells “well then let’s just get the fuck out of here”. She laid into me, causing a scene, yelling at me in the parking lot, all in front of my daughter. I asked her to stop saying so many obscenities but she said she didn’t care. She made fun of me and called me and my entire family selfish. She angrily drove us back to the hotel and then we had to sit there while I apologized (… I apologized for having a panic attack) and she continued to belittle me (all in front of my daughter), saying she knew I shouldn’t have put together a reunion, etc, I don’t listen to her, etc. She even brought up how a year ago she was the bad guy, the unstable one when it’s actually my father and I who are psycho. It was quite psycho of her to be honest. Eventually she drove us back to the restaurant and they got to eat. I only saw one person from school and I didn’t even say hi. I’m like, the heaviest I’ve been in a while and being yelled at like by my Mum, I wasn’t in the mood to pretend even further that I’m happy.
I was literally contemplating opening a business with her, offering her a room in my house when the time comes… fuck all that. She drinks all the time and even when she isn’t drinking, she’ll take an innocent mistake, misinterpret it as disrespect, then her whole attitude changes. I literally have to tame the beast. For instance, we went to a health food restaurant, we were looking at the menu which was next to the register. While we were doing so, someone walked in, grabbed some salads from the reach-in fridge, and set them next to the register to pay for them. Mum was ready to order so she just turns around and starts to order her lunch… but the cashier says “oh let me just ring her up for these, just a moment”. That set Mum off. When she was ready to ring us up, Mum says “oh is it our turn now?” Her sense of entitlement is so off-putting. I turned around with a smile and had to order for us, I wasn’t about to let her order with a shitty attitude, then the food is shitty, then the experience is shitty… she doesn’t understand that her example of popping off has trained me to be a reserved person that is absolutely too self-aware. Anyway, at the table, she’s just mad and her “elixir” doesn’t taste like it should. I just kept changing the subject, “what do you want to do?” She’s like a fucking child. While berating me in the car last night, she literally stopped in the middle of the road to gps our hotel. It made me so nervous: an angry driver fed up with her bullshit could have come up behind us and made the situation worse, a cop could have strolled up and pulled us over, arresting her for driving her daughter and granddaughter while drunk (and angry). I’ve literally spent all of my money and then some, I don’t have bail money. Her behavior on this trip plus my daughter’s sassiness has turned it into a nightmare. I can put up with Vivian, but my mother, a grown-ass woman who should know better, popping off because her daughter is having a panic attack? That is bullshit. If the tables were turned, I would have respected her wishes and left, not making her feel like a piece of shit. Blasting your music from your phone and dancing in the lobby of your hotel is not a good choice. I won’t be traveling with her anytime soon. I need some fucking alone time. Currently I’m in the hotel in Indian wells while they’re out swimming. Mum said some half-assed shitty apology to Viv and me before leaving for the pool but last night, I won’t be forgetting anytime soon. I don’t accept her apology because I’m sick of her treating me that way and saying “sorry” when I know that she’ll be doing it again in the future because she’s that type of woman.
I have no money and no money coming on this next check. I’ve decided not to pursue digital prostitution so becoming a cam girl isn’t in my future. I’m so fat and ugly, I have to work on myself. Also, I’m not traveling until I have my own credit card to do so. I really have to work on my credit. I have A LOT to work on, it’s just being put off because I’m drinking all the time. I have hobbies that I don’t pursue because I drink all the time.
I have a lot to do to better myself.
This trip has brought to my attention that I’m an introvert now. I’m also a homebody. I don’t like attention and prefer to stay at home versus going out dancing. I literally cannot wait to get home, to lay in my bed, with my led lights. I miss my backscratcher and my percussion device to knock out the pain in my neck. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to be away from Mum. I really regret telling her about the trip but she would have found out eventually and been mad about me not telling her. I love her and it’s hard to manage her personality when she’s been drinking. This wasn’t a pleasant trip away from home. This was a stress-fueled, expensive trip of having to go here and then go there. I’m tired and sunburned and emotionally drained. We don’t even have the room situated for tonight, I couldn’t press her to do it anymore yesterday. She tends to put things off until the last minute and then gets mad when it doesn’t go the way it should.
I’m starving. I miss my conveyor belt sushi and Buldak noodles.
